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Original poster

Overcoming fundamental differences in a relationship

44 replies

couchtospecialk · 14/12/2017 10:50

Hi all,

Opinions / experiences please... I'm seeing this lovely guy that I met online. We've had 10 dates over 8 weeks. He's gorgeous, funny, clever, caring, interesting and we have some big ol' chemistry. Agreed we both like eachother a lot but need to move slowly as a) we're both getting divorced b) we've each got two children under 10 and c) we've got some basic major differences between us. By this I mean:

He's Polish (speaks good English) I'm British (don't speak Polish)
I'm vegan (not militant about it) he's obsessed with meat
He smokes, I don't
I'm financially stable, he's financially precarious but honest about it and seems to have a plan to pay back his debt.

He's an amazing person... creative, hilarious, interesting, interested, caring, honest, hard working, intelligent, hot Grin and is a doting hands-on father. I'm so into him and it appears to be mutual. We've agreed to be exclusive though stopped short of saying we're boyfriend/girlfriend. We text constantly. I'm taking each day as it comes at the moment, we haven't met any of eachother's friends as decided it's too soon so we're basically in this bubble. Have made some forward plans to February, he asked me to go to his hometown in Poland... I said yes Confused

I think I'm intimidated by his cultural heritage that I know very little about. And Polish is such a difficult language to learn. And being vegan... food is such a social currency, how could I ever integrate into his world? And he seems cleverer than me and sounds like he has an odd mix of very intelligent friends Confused The finances are an issue too; he had an addiction to trading in shares and lost money. Also and this is a gnarly one; the difference that I've got the luxury of a comfortable-ish middle class life while he's not a British native and lives in a deprived area. I couldn't care less about this by the way but it's just another difference in the mix.

My question is: have you ever overcome any big differences in a relationship? Wondering whether it's even possible to speculate on a future together...

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 14/12/2017 20:24

No fucking way.
I don't care how "honest" someone is about being £25K in debt from gambling.
Interested in economics and share trading?
Well, that's less embarrassing for you than posting that he's lost it all on poker, bingo, slots, dogs...
But it's gambling nonetheless.

Everything else (except the smoking!) is just everyone being different.

You'll regret dating an gambling addict.

LoverOfCake · 14/12/2017 20:27

It depends how you feel about the differences but actually it also depends how he feels about them, because bear in mind that where he differs from you so in his mind you differ from him, iyswim?

So e.g. Him being a meat eater could present as a deal-breaker for you but equally being a vegan might be something he couldn't come to terms with if he thought that you might want to enforce those values in your relationship.

Language wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me in isolation however it would if he e.g speaks that language to his children and access visits so potentially 50% of the time he and his children spoke that language in your joint home and you didn't understand a word of it.

I could never date a smoker but that's a personal thing. However the fact that he smokes and also has a gambling addiction would raise huge red flags for me. Because even if he sorted out his finances and gave up smoking, the fact that he has two addictions is clear evidence that he has an addictive personality, and as such I would be concerned what could replace those particular addictions.

And gambling as a hobby when he's already been in debt to the tune of 25k shows that he hasn't dealt with the gambling problem at all. If you want to break an addiction then you have to walk away from it forever. No if's, no but's, and he hasn't been able to do that. Therefor he's a lot closer to slipping back into that addictive mindset where he gambles away the family money on the stock market than he would be if he'd admitted he had a problem but that he'd walked away from it when he realised. Iyswim.

Original poster
couchtospecialk · 14/12/2017 20:30

BestofChristmasIsland thanks for that, really interesting. I'm so intrigued by his culture but the language at least, seems so alien to me.

Yes you're all right. The finances are a red flag aren't they? I need to ask him more about it I think... he is very upfront. Admitted it very early on in our online dating messages which is a positive. But yes I have to proceed very cautiously...

OP posts:
Original poster
couchtospecialk · 14/12/2017 20:34

Loverofcake - I could never date a smoker but that's a personal thing. However the fact that he smokes and also has a gambling addiction would raise huge red flags for me. Because even if he sorted out his finances and gave up smoking, the fact that he has two addictions is clear evidence that he has an addictive personality, and as such I would be concerned what could replace those particular addictions

You're bang on... bloody hell. Glad I posted this thread. But I really like him ugh... but I can't be foolish... got mysekf and my girls to worry about.

OP posts:
Offred · 14/12/2017 20:37

Why do you need to ask him more?

Why is being open about it positive?

Ellisandra · 14/12/2017 20:38

I'm just imagining his wife posting.
"I just need a rant - I'm divorcing my gambling addict husband, and because we're married his fucking £25K debt is half mine..."

Wonder if he's planning to agree a fair decision of assets, after taking his gambling debts out of the equation?

InvisibleKittenAttack · 14/12/2017 20:50

Oh he's still gambling?

Agree that the smoking and gambling together does point to an addictive personality, you could never share your finances or expect your DD's to share their home with someone like this. So this will never be able to move on from 'dating'. If you are looking for more, this is just wasting your time.

scatterolight · 14/12/2017 22:14

With differences this great one of you is going to have to do some serious compromising. If you're an extremely malleable, laidback, personality type then perhaps you could get round this, however the fact you're posting this thread in the first place indicates you already have your reservations.

£25k of debt, gambling, smoking, along with continuing attachments to his home country which may tempt him back there at a later date.... all these are big red flags that say you don't have a long term happy future.

You've only had 10 dates. End it while it's easy and look for greater compatibility next time round.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 14/12/2017 22:20

You've had ten dates and you think he's your soulmate?

Can you see how that appears to us?

stickytoffeevodka · 14/12/2017 23:02

Jesus, £25k in debt?!

Run for the bloody hills woman!

scottishdiem · 14/12/2017 23:49

To be honest I was on the side of sticking it out with him as long as you are prepared for a life with no joint finances.

However, he is still doing the thing that got him into trouble. I would totally walk away because of this. The amount isnt the issue - people do things that cause problems. Its how they deal with their mistakes that reveal the true measure of a person. He is still doing it. That hobby can change to an addiction in the space of a few minutes. That means leave.

scottishdiem · 14/12/2017 23:51

Or take things very very very very very very (like about 10 years) slowly. No moving in together and no finances linked. No borrowing from you or you subsidising him or his kids at any point. You would always have to be watching him and money. But I cant get over the fact he is still doing it.

corythatwas · 15/12/2017 00:45

Agree with pp that it's the gambling and the smoking that would be the dealbreakers. There is nothing that ruins a relationship as quickly as not seeing eye to eye about money, and as others have said, two addictions really doesn't sound great.

You can learn to be tolerant about cultural differences and religion, you can learn a language, but you can't possibly learn to be happy about someone gambling away the family income.

Original poster
couchtospecialk · 15/12/2017 05:21

Thanks again everyone... got to love the collective wisdom of others. You're right of course Sad but I needed to hear this.

OP posts:
category12 · 15/12/2017 06:11

The now only trading shares as a "hobby" is the equivalent of an alcoholic saying "I only drink at weekends now".

Oblomov17 · 15/12/2017 06:18

Good grief. 25k is a HUGE amount. Imagine the secrecy and addiction that this entails?

hesterton · 15/12/2017 06:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ellisandra · 15/12/2017 06:57

Good point @hesterton

stickytoffeevodka · 15/12/2017 10:46

What worries me is that you didn't see £25k worth of debt as a warning sign on your own.

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