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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

36 years and may not make it to 37

40 replies

birdladyfromhomealone · 13/12/2017 19:40

I have no one to talk to. You cant tell ppl in RL as no one wants to hear it.
Maybe writing it down will make me feel better?
My DH every Nov gets very depressed,It normally lasts a few weeks and then with Xmas coming in Dec picks up.
Its been like that for the last 5 years but he wont seek help and wont discuss it.
Outwardly everyone thinks hes a great guy, laid back, every one loves him.
This year it started at the end of Oct and nearly daily tells me he is sick of his life, our lives, his grown up kids disappoint him. He is bored with his life.He thinks how easy it would be to turn the car into oncoming traffic.
This year is worse.
I make him unhappy. I piss him off daily.
These are the things I have done wrong in the last month.
Had a glass of wine after pilates, had a glass of wine after Zumba. Leave him on his own 4 times a week whilst I go to my gym classes. Dont do his ironing regularly, don't do enough house work, talk over him, am selfish, have bought ALL xmas presents and wrapped them for the last 32 years so he sits there on Xmas day not knowing what presents he has bought when family open them, spend too much money every Xmas, Spend too much money on my hair and nails. Organise our social life without involving him, spend too much time on FB and social media and more.
He has finally had enough and says he doesn't actually like me.
Then wonders angrily why am tearful a lot of the time and why I don't talk to him.
We are retired, have a wonderful life ( I thought) beautiful home, Holiday home in Spain, more money you could throw at a stick.
I dont expect any answers really just need to see it in black and white. I am an awful person and wife. I dont make him happy :(

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 13/12/2017 19:45

Do you love him?

Blackteadrinker77 · 13/12/2017 19:46

Mental illness is tough on the families.

Can you reach out for help for yourself?
Headstogether.org has some great information.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 13/12/2017 19:51

Money isn't a problem. I'd be off. I wouldn't have any proportion of my year spent like that.

RainyApril · 13/12/2017 20:01

If he is wonderful from January to October then I'd investigate why this dark cloud descends in November, and encourage him to seek support for his mental health.

If you don't love him, if he is like this to some extent throughout the year, if you really believe that he doesn't love or like you, if he refuses to get help...well then I'd be off.

Life is short. Enjoy your retirement without walking on eggshells and feeling like you're a disappointment to the person who is supposed to love and cherish you.

7to25 · 13/12/2017 20:05

Have you tried a SAD light? It helps a lot here although the nadir coincides with Christmas.

Caken · 13/12/2017 20:07

None of this sounds like your fault and none of this makes you a bad wife or person. I get that he’s depressed, but you don’t have to be made to feel so bad yourself.

He could do his own ironing.
He could do some housework.
He could have bought some Christmas presents instead of leaving it to you.

Don’t feel you can’t socialise or do your gym classes or any of that just because he’s not happy being left at home. He needs help but he needs to realise he needs help and from what you’ve said, I don’t think he will see that any of the problems lie with him.

Sorry I don’t have much to add, I just wanted to say you shouldn’t be made to feel low when you’ve done nothing wrong. I suffer with depression myself so I know to some extent how awful he must feel, but it doesn’t make his treatment of you ok in any sense. Flowers

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 13/12/2017 20:10

Don't let him bring you down too.

Help him if you can. If not, I'd be off.

pointythings · 13/12/2017 20:10

If he is only like this in winter, then he needs to seek help. A SAD lamp can make an enormous difference - DD2 has been using one since mid-October and she is transformed. If he does not seek help, he is a dick.

If he is like this all year round then he is just a dick, and you need to think about what you are getting out of this relationship.

Original poster
birdladyfromhomealone · 13/12/2017 20:11

He is the most wonderful caring husband for 11 months of the year. I adore him but he does this every November but 1000 times worse this year.
There is nothing wrong with him.
The problem is me.
He says he has been tolerant of me for years but no more.
I agree with everything he has said I am guilty of all these things above, but thats marriage after 33 years isnt it?

OP posts:
pointythings · 13/12/2017 20:26

Of course there is something wrong with him. No wonderful caring husband would allow his wife to go through a month of hell every year and not do anything about it.

And since you are both retired, he should be doing his share of the housework. And unless you have an alcohol problem, you are allowed a glass of wine here and there. You are allowed your own hobbies and interests. Why do you think you are not allowed these things?

OptimisticHamster · 13/12/2017 20:33

The fault is not with you.

yetmorecrap · 13/12/2017 20:34

No OP the problem is not you, get that out of your head right now and gave a glass of wine whilst you are at it, no make that half a bottle!!! The problem is him.,!!!! Two choices, either tell him in future you will be taking 6 weeks from late October till early December on an extended abroad holiday on your own or with a group on a special interest holiday , or he books 5 weeks inLanzarote etc together or he gets his shit together and dedicates November to doing all his ironing plus yours and wrapping all the Xmas presents.

Fitbitironic · 13/12/2017 20:39

What about him, is he perfect housework wise etc? Doesn't sound it, so I don't know why you're agreeing with him. List his 'faults' and try to show him that's what you put up with, but still love him. Mountains out of molehills, and he needs help.

SandyY2K · 13/12/2017 20:44

What is significant about November? Is it the weather? Did he suffer a trauma in this month? Has it always been like this from day 1?

It sounds like his issues are his own and he wants to blame you.

He seems jealous of your social activities...but instead of finding his own thing to do...he gets bitter.

If he doesnt like you... he should be pleased when you go out.

I think he's disappointed in himself...but it's easier to blame you.

Be3Al2SiO36 · 13/12/2017 20:53

It sounds like a SAD thing. The pattern is there.

Leaving that aside, are your lives a little dull. What is your purpose in life?

ChickenMom · 13/12/2017 22:39

The problem is NOT you. Why November? If you are the problem then why aren’t you the problem in June or January? Can you see how weird and abnormal his behaviour is? Why don’t you just book a week away somewhere and leave him until the grump is over. Get some space. If he really doesn’t like you, then you’re doing him a favour right? Go to champneys or your place in Spain. Money isn’t a problem so just go. Then messsge him when you’re away and say “as you dislike me and my ways so much I thought you’d appreciate being away from me. I don’t know when I’ll be back so enjoy not being with the awful wife you seem to despise” then leave him to it and don’t answer any messages. It’s about time his toddler style tantrum was nipped in the bud. If you show some backbone he might sort himself out, you deserve better than this nonsense

Mary1935 · 13/12/2017 22:40

Hi is he just complaining to you or is he the same with others? Is he actually depressed? Symptoms would be low mood, poor motivation, changes in sleep patterns, no interest in anything , poor concentration, he may not attend to his personal hygiene?? There are others but they need to be some of the above and it needs to go on for at least two weeks. He sounds emotionally abusive to me - maybe I'm wrong - buts it's unfair to take what Evers going on for him - out on you. No advice really but please look up symptoms of depression and see if they fit. Good luck.

Original poster
birdladyfromhomealone · 13/12/2017 23:25

Mary- its just with me :(

OP posts:
Original poster
birdladyfromhomealone · 13/12/2017 23:27

No one would believe me.,
I told my daughters they told me I was being dramatic.
My son said FFS Im sick of hearing how he's bored with his life, I would love to be bored with life.
They just dont see him like it

OP posts:
BMW6 · 14/12/2017 09:21

Well as he's not pissed off with you and his life the other 11 months of the year it is obviously a problem with him, not you!
As you are both retired could he go somewhere for a month next year (the whole of November say)? One of my sisters goes to a retreat every year for a couple of weeks at minimal expense, so it needn't be out of financial reach.
Does he have a hobby he could go off to do for a prolonged period?

hellsbellsmelons · 14/12/2017 09:31

This is all HIM and not YOU!
Stop thinking like that.
Stop letting his manipulation get to you.
You are both retired.
He's a grown adult - he can use an iron and do his own bloody ironing.
I've never ironed for partners. Never!!!
Can you just get away for a couple of days?
Get your head clear and leave him to it?
This is not fair on you and you don't have to put up with it.
If money is no object, I'd be booking myself onto a cruise next year for the whole of November - ON MY OWN!!!

sonjadog · 14/12/2017 10:57

When he says he isn't putting up with it any more, what does he actually mean? Does he want to split? I would be tempted to go along with it and say yes, you would also like to split as he doesn't like you any more. I wonder if it were a reality he might get over himself surprisingly fast...

junebirthdaygirl · 14/12/2017 10:58

Can ye not go to house in Spain for November ..more light.
Or as already asked did he have a trauma in Nov even years ago.
Just ignore him if you know it will pass.

Loveatthefiveanddime · 14/12/2017 11:02

I don't think this is constructive, but I would be tempted to remove all ammunition from him and then see what new things to complain about. It would be my own little quiet experiment for a week or two. So don't do or do everything that he has complained about - stop going on social media, don't do your hair or nails, keep the house absolutely spick and span, stop the wine and don't go to pilates or zumba (this is only as short term experiment).
Although that all feels like it might be quite passive aggressive, I would be curious to see what he complained about next.

StormTreader · 14/12/2017 11:05

It does sound like theres Seasonal Affective Disorder going on there, its a medically recognised depression caused by the lack of natural sunlight in winter, a SAD lamp is definitely worth looking into.

THAT SAID, it doesnt mean that gives him a free pass to be a dick to you - he may not be able to control the depression, but he certainly can control what he says and does to you.

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