36 years and may not make it to 37

[birdladyfromhomealone]

I have no one to talk to. You cant tell ppl in RL as no one wants to hear it.
Maybe writing it down will make me feel better?
My DH every Nov gets very depressed,It normally lasts a few weeks and then with Xmas coming in Dec picks up.
Its been like that for the last 5 years but he wont seek help and wont discuss it.
Outwardly everyone thinks hes a great guy, laid back, every one loves him.
This year it started at the end of Oct and nearly daily tells me he is sick of his life, our lives, his grown up kids disappoint him. He is bored with his life.He thinks how easy it would be to turn the car into oncoming traffic.
This year is worse.
I make him unhappy. I piss him off daily.
These are the things I have done wrong in the last month.
Had a glass of wine after pilates, had a glass of wine after Zumba. Leave him on his own 4 times a week whilst I go to my gym classes. Dont do his ironing regularly, don't do enough house work, talk over him, am selfish, have bought ALL xmas presents and wrapped them for the last 32 years so he sits there on Xmas day not knowing what presents he has bought when family open them, spend too much money every Xmas, Spend too much money on my hair and nails. Organise our social life without involving him, spend too much time on FB and social media and more.
He has finally had enough and says he doesn't actually like me.
Then wonders angrily why am tearful a lot of the time and why I don't talk to him.
We are retired, have a wonderful life ( I thought) beautiful home, Holiday home in Spain, more money you could throw at a stick.
I dont expect any answers really just need to see it in black and white. I am an awful person and wife. I dont make him happy :(

Umm has he got SAD? Try using sun lamps that mimic natural summer light round the house particular in the bedroom for wake up. If it’s only in these dark months it could easily be.

But also it’s not you it’s him. He’s picking on petty minor things because he’s got an issue so don’t think it’s you causing this.

Sounds like SAD

Make him get a blood test for vit D

Depression doesn't usually make you pick fights, though, does it?
Perhaps you could call his bluff and move to Spain without him for a month, as you annoy him so much.
And use that time to evaluate what YOU want from your life.
He doesn't get to be the only one who makes choices.
Is he recently retired? Used to being in control at work and finding it hard to adjust to not being top of the heap? Sounds like he wants to be the CEO of this partnership and you will be the cleaner and housekeeper for evermore. No wonder he is brassed off if you aren't available constantly.

If it's just with you, then is it depression? It sounds like he's dumping on you, because you are a willing listening ear. The more you are willing to listen the more the moan and whinge machine churns it out. So he can offload on you and then go on his merry way, with the blame happily allocated to someone else.
You have to stop listening to him. Tell him you are not listening to his constant moaning anymore. That he needs to make an appointment and see a counsellor and tell them his problems.
Say to him 'I am not the reason you feel like this. I'm really not. I'm not responsible for your feelings and I'm not qualified to help you sort this out'. Every time he whines say 'it sounds like you think I have done something wrong. I am behaving like I've behaved for the past 33 years'.
He needs to get a therapist and offload to them. It's not fair to you it's really not. Failing that, then you should go to a therapist and get the support you need to help you decide what way you want to spend your life.

Can you go properly south for a few months at this time of year (e.g., Australia where it is currently summer)?
You may need to wait until he is through this year's slump to discuss it rationally though.

And...

Can you get him (or both of you) involved in a larger cause that will help him see beyond his immediate situation?

Definitely sounds like Seasonal Affective Disorder, especially as he is nice for most of the year. I suffer from this and it starts to kick in October but the worst is November to mid December and finally gets better mid Jan. After years of suffering every winter, despite using a SAD lamp, this year I started anti-depressants in October which have made a big big difference, and will keep going with them till mid Jan.

I've suffered with this for about 20 years. The first 5-6 years I didn't realise it. I just thought it was various things happening in my life that were making me depressed. I'm sure if you try and get your husband to look at some information on it he will maybe go and see doctor

I would write all of this down in present it to him in a letter when he us 'better' and tell him he has 3 months to gp to go and self refer for assessment/treatment, or you are off.
I would be curious to see what he has to say then.
If he cannot appreciate how unreasonable it is to expect you to put up with this year after year, then he is perhaps not the man you think he is the other 11 months of the year.
Only he can be responsible for his own happiness.
Yes relationships are good, and having others in our lives can help them be fulfilling, but there has to be more than that.
And he is being very unreasonable in his expectations of you.

It is not you.

A MH issue is not an excuse for him to treat you this way. He is responsible for his MH and seeking help. If he is unwilling or unable to do so all you can do is consider YOUR options.

thank you so much- sitting here in tears, another row this morning and he went out all morning but i went out before he came back. now sat here in silence.

DH has SAD, he uses a light box and high strength vitamin D capsules which have made a huge difference. Once Christmas is over and the nights get lighter he brightens up. I have to say though that he's depressed and anxious, not horrible to me. That's tough.

This sounds utterly miserable. If he won't get help, I'd book to go away for 6 weeks next year and leave him to it.

I think realistically you need to discuss it once he snaps out of it and put a plan in place for next year.

You know it isn't you. Nothing you describe is remotely unreasonable.

There is nothing wrong with him.
The problem is me.

Is that what you believe, or what he says?

I'd go away from now until January. Let him know you'll be back when he's feeling better and will discuss things then.

I make him unhappy. I piss him off daily
These are the things I have done wrong in the last month. Leave him on his own 4 times a week whilst I go to my gym classes

Well you can't make him that unhappy if he can't survive four hours a week without you

Is he talking to you yet?
With a civil tongue?
Please don't put up with this shite.
Life is way too short.
Pack yourself and weekend bag and tell him you are off for the weekend as you can't stand his moodiness anymore and you are going to spend the weekend having a nice time.
Please do it!!!!!
He needs to learn and you enabling him is not helping him - AT ALL!

I am sorry you are going through this. My mum went through similar but on and off throughout the year every year. She left him and came to me. He came for her after a few days and they discussed things. He said his parents marriage was like this and he was behaving like his father did. He only lived for five more years but he never was awful to my mum again.