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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He threw juice in my face

68 replies

Stressedandangry · 13/12/2017 10:47

I've nc for this one.

My dp threw juice in my face. Last night we argued, it was a follow of from the argument the day before.

The day before our kitchen flooded, I was up with the baby, I woke dp up at 10am when it started he got up I phoned the landlord. All the while I was the one putting buckets of water outside, talking to the landlord and looking after the baby while he just ranted about all the water (did nothing about it just moaned his face off). I got sick of it and told him he needed to start helping me out. I was stressed the baby has had bad colic and reflux so has been extra needy, screaming, crying fighting his sleep constantly and needing cuddles all the time. We ended up arguing again and he went to bed. This was at 2pm. So he left me to deal with everything all day. I was exhausted I'd been up most of the night with the baby, he knew this. He eventually got up at 7pm saying he was going to the gym with his friends. The plumber hadn't come out yet and it was the babys bed time. I was livid! I asked him not to go to the gym and stay and deal with the plumber as I needed To go to bed with the baby (we co sleep and it's difficult to sneek away lately with the colic and reflux) he said no he was going and I'd have to just deal with it. I'm not proud but I lost it (baby wasn't around, was in the bedroom). I said he was being selfish when I needed him to step up he crawled into bed and now fucking off to the gym. He said he didnt care and he was going. I had to walk away.

Got the baby to sleep, the plumber came around 8ish he was thankfully still here so dealt with it but of course let me know how pissed off he was that he had to stay behind whe he should have left. He the tried to make up with me, I said I was too angry, the then said fuck you and went to the gym, I went to bed.

Turns out the problem was a blocked pipe and the water coming up through the sink was the neighbours.
The neighbour came to the door with her brother in law who was a "plumber" so I spent about an hour and a half with them while the brother in llaw pissed about out the back with the pipe only to come up with the same conclusion the plumber had. I was exhausted they woke the baby up I had to spend about another hour getting the baby off to sleep I finally got to sleep at about midnight.

Dp was working early yesterday so had the morning again with the baby, waiting on the plumber and trying to explain the situation to the neighbour. Dp came home and expected everythig to be fine. I've never been so angry with him. We argued, I got the baby off to nap finally. Went back to the livingroom, we argued some more he then opened my Christmas present he got me (a ring) and threw it in my face saying he didn't want me to have it so I put it in the waste paper bin (childish I know) he went ballistic tried to grab my phone out my hand to break it when he couldn't get it he threw juice from a glass on the table in my face. It went up the walls I was soaked. He then proceeded to call me all sorts and tell me how fat and disgusting he thought I was how I was shit mum how shit I am at doing everything the list goes on.

There's more but I'm too drained. I want to leave him but we are tied into this joint tenancy until October next year. I feel so stuck and don't know what To Do.

No one needs to point out the arguing isn't good for the baby, I know. It stresses me out but he's not around for most of it and when he is we don't shout ect.

I don't know what I'm looking for, maybe just to vent. I know the advice will be to leave, to contact womans aid ECT. But I can't leave so maybe I need to vent. I don't want to talk to anyone in rl about it all they think he's great, he used to be but lately the past 6 or so months he's a different person. A horrible one.

OP posts:
Cantuccit · 13/12/2017 11:27

When we wanted to get out of our tenancy, the agent said they could see if they could find someone to take the flat. I think it would be worth talking to your LL.

Will you be ok to find somewhere else?

becotide · 13/12/2017 11:28

Call women's aid

www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/

PersianCatLady · 13/12/2017 11:28

I'll see if i can speak to my landlord. It's a nightmare tryintrying to get in touch with him and get anything done! But I'll try I doubt he will let us break the lease 10 months early but I'll try
I think that is a mistake to do that now before you have made any plans.

Other PP will be able to say if they disagree with me but I think it is too soon to throw away your accommodation with no other plans.

Personally I would get down to the CAB and get an idea of your rights and your financial issues if you split up.

Cantuccit · 13/12/2017 11:30

Forgot to say - what he did was assault. I would report him to the police. They will take it seriously. Flowers

becotide · 13/12/2017 11:33

I am absolutely certain he can be forced to leave. But you need women's aid to help you here. They have a lot of access to the court system.

Oh he's going to be SOOOO SORRYYYYY and then he will do it again, and then he's going to be SOOOO SORRYYY PLEASE FORGIVE MEEEE OR I'LL KILL MYSELF and then he'll do it again.

he's a piece of shit OP. but you arne't as trapped as you think.

IrkThePurist · 13/12/2017 11:34

Womens Aid can explain how to break the joint tenancy agreement and move on, you arent tied to him. You dont have to risk waiting til he hits you.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 13/12/2017 11:36

So sorry. Sounds very very stressful. Especially before Christmas.

Having a baby brings extra stress, and then household crises. My relationship got like this so I asked him to leave and I’m much calmer without him. My child was 9 months old.

I’d say go for an option that will give you temporary relief if you cannot break the lease yet. Be very calm. Make a vow to yourself not to lose it again. You need to conserve energy for you and your baby. Back off any argument. Walk away. It is now nasty and he’s crossed lines.

If you can get him to move out then do. Even temporarily. Get through Xmas with other people and family. Become very unemotional if you can. Refocus not on your relationship but on your baby and you. Think healthy food, sleep, rest, play. Don’t try and pull off a big break up all at once - too much conflict. It may well just backfire and increase the intensity. Separate physically. Minimize contact. Take ever one step at a time. Just keep repeating to him

It’s time for peace and calm in the house
I would like you to move out if possible
If not I would like to just have a lot of quiet time with the baby
No long relationship discussions
I value you as the babies father

Calm calm calm

teaortequila23 · 13/12/2017 11:37

Do you not have a 6months break clause?
Did you sign a full one year contract?
Also if you could find someone willing to take over the lease the landlord would be more willing but u may have to speak to him first just tell him I’m sorry but I’m leaving him and I want to go if I find someone willing to move in can we do this?

Also if you got housing benefits would you not be able to cover the rent?

My sister and her husband broke up last year and she spoke to the council they told her to go to her flat and they would ask him to leave.

Annorlunda5 · 13/12/2017 11:37

I don't think throwing juice at you is that much of a big issue. I've thrown vodka at my aunt before and she did it back... We're fine now :)

HOWEVER, everything else you have mentioned about us behaviour and the verbal abuse IS a problem. You need to leave him for your own emotional well-being.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 13/12/2017 11:37

Get your name off the tenancy!

All you need to do is tell the landlord you're leaving and he's staying.

Or, he's leaving and you're staying. As long as he gets his rent he won't care and it's perfectly legal.

You can't stay with such an arsehole!

Autumnskiesarelovely · 13/12/2017 11:38

I’d also echo what other posters have said. Women’s aid are great.

You need a plan. You need to regain your strength.

SquirrelPlantedBeech · 13/12/2017 11:38

He's been worse since the baby was born? Classic abuser showing true colours during pregnancy or following baby's actual birth.

You've had some good advice on this thread. I do think you need to find a way to leave.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/12/2017 11:40

op assuming you are in England or Wales.

You can go to court (and yes you can get reduced court fees based on your sole income) and request an occupation order that will remove him from your tenancy and prohibit him from entering the house.

StormTreader · 13/12/2017 11:40

"No one needs to point out the arguing isn't good for the baby"

Its not good for you either! Flowers

becotide · 13/12/2017 11:41

Calm calmcalm is a good point, but don't fall into the trap of thinking the relationship is now fixed as long as you never, ever challenge him.

If you really cannot seperate, can you put a camp bed in your baby's room, and a bolt on the door, and basically move in with your baby until the end of the tenancy

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 13/12/2017 11:41

Do you want out of this abusive relationship? Or are you going to forgive him again, and again and again until you wake up and realise that the best years of your life have passed you by and they were still awful?

Would he expect you to pay half the rent or is he the type who would take it all on himself if you left? Do you have a job to go back to after maternity leave or would you be trying to live on benefits? Is he liable to pay you a decent amount of child support or would he be one of those bloody minded types?

Maybe get in touch with woman’s aid if you want out, if he doesn’t know where you are can he chase you for the rent, don’t forget if you and the baby just up and vanish, he won’t only pay half the rent as he would be putting himself at risk of being evicted. Then if he says you owe him the rent, tell him he owes you child support so you’re both even.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 13/12/2017 11:43

Does he go to the Gym often, could he be using steroids ?
If he is, you need out, for sure.💐

SparklingSnowfall · 13/12/2017 11:44

Please just call Women's Aid. You don't have to do anything just now if you feel it's too soon but at least find out what your options are as longer term you really do need to leave.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 13/12/2017 11:45

becotide totally agree. Calm is hopefully to start to buy you time, energy and perspective to reduce arguments and refocus on building up your resolve. Please don’t take this as your relationship is now better because you are backing down. It’s no way to live.

trevthecat · 13/12/2017 11:45

Double check your tenancy about being able to give notice and leave early and speak to your landlord. These are exceptional circumstances and should be taken into account. Speak to woman's aid. They are fab. They know the facts, they know tips and bits to help. They were a god send to me. It's a shitty situation but you can sort this. As a pp said he will be soooooo sorry etc but it won't change. This is your life and your babies life. Get out and start fresh and enjoy it

Bluntness100 · 13/12/2017 11:46

Other PP will be able to say if they disagree with me but I think it is too soon to throw away your accommodation with no other plans

Yes, I disagree, if she can break it she can find a place she can afford on her own,and break from him. She can sort timing to suit moving into a new place.

Staying for ten months isn’t feasible, it’s over.

Op. How much does he earn, do you know the level of child support you will be entitled to?

PersianCatLady · 13/12/2017 11:47

All you need to do is tell the landlord you're leaving and he's staying
No, the LL can still come after the OP for all of the rent if he choses not to pay.

Most leases specify that joint tenants are joint and severally liable for the rent.

If the OP leaves, where is she meant to go??

PersianCatLady · 13/12/2017 11:48

Yes, I disagree, if she can break it she can find a place she can afford on her own,and break from him. She can sort timing to suit moving into a new place
I should have clarified.

I think it is wrong to call the LL right now until she has plans in place.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/12/2017 11:51

It also may be worth noting that it’s possible for one tenant on a joint tenancy to give full notice with out even telling the other And as such making the other homeless.

An occupation order can also be used to prevent this.

Hissy · 13/12/2017 11:56

Yeah ds is 5 months old

He's always had "moments" but it's gotten a lot worse this past 6 months or so

Abusers get worse when they think they have you trapped with no way out.

When you get married/get PG/have the baby

When the baby is tiny and all demanding, they use THIS as the weapon of choice, knowing that you are exhausted, that you have no choice, they have 'naps' and fuck off to the gym, or a new hobby

You need to focus every ounce of effort you can possibly muster to getting this guy out of your lives as soon as possible.

Until then, just survive as best you can, get out and about, tell your friends and family what is happening and ask for their help

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