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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone awake? I've had a shit night.

39 replies

OneShitNight · 13/12/2017 03:59

Me and dh went out to a Christmas party. He drank way too much. He was an embarrassment. I'm not drinking at all so it felt more heightend I think.

We got back late and our child was awake with the babysitter gone 12am.

I don't trust dh or want him to carry dd up to bed so I put him off. He gets angry and demands I stay out of it and let him put her to bed as She'll just stay wide awake if I do it . I don't listen and ask him to go downstairs. Finnaly we are both downstairs and he is angry. Shouting that I don't listen etc. I overreact and feel threatened so I sneak upstairs and take (awake) dd into my room and lock the door. He spends an hour hammering on the door and threatening to break it down. It almost breaks. I tell him to back off and that he is scaring me and dd. He goes away, comes back and repeatedly, gently taps at the door. Dd ends up opening it and he wants us just to go to bed and fall asleep. I'm now asleep with dd in her room and don't know how I'll feel in a few hours when we have to get up. I'm meant to be doing an early shift so he's responsible for getting her ready and driving her to school in the morning. I think he'll still be drunk so I'm going to have to call in sick I think. I just hate him right now. I'm so upset and angry on behalf of dd and myself.

OP posts:

User24681012 · 13/12/2017 04:04

I'm up, that sounds shitty for you. what can I do?

Original poster

OneShitNight · 13/12/2017 04:06

Sympathy is enough . I know it sounds petty but what I'm really worrying about now is missing another day off work when I was off sick genuinely ill last week.

OP posts:

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 13/12/2017 04:06

I’m up too also, I’m sorry you’ve had a shit night
Is this usual behaviour from your dh?

User24681012 · 13/12/2017 04:07

It's not petty, that would stress anyone out!

Original poster

OneShitNight · 13/12/2017 04:09

It's happened a number of times but not for over a year now. I thought I'd seen the end of this behaviour.

OP posts:

hatty44 · 13/12/2017 04:14

You poor love.
Could you keep DD off too.
Sounds like she has not had much sleep and an emotional evening. Maybe better for you two to have some snuggly time together?

laudanum · 13/12/2017 04:14

His behaviour is abusive and a massive red flag. I'd take the child and leave.

LadyB49 · 13/12/2017 04:19

I'm sorry you had such a horrible end to what should have been a fun evening.

Will dh be sorry in the morning. And will you believe him ?

Original poster

OneShitNight · 13/12/2017 04:21

I'm thinking of keeping her off too. She finnaly fell asleep at 3:30 so I won't wake her for school at least.

I agree it does sound abusive written down as a snapshot but this is thankfully a rare occasion, fuled by alcohol. It's not day to day life.

OP posts:

Original poster

OneShitNight · 13/12/2017 04:22

He'll try to brave it out or ignore it initially and when he realises how upset I am he'll be very apologetic.

OP posts:

User24681012 · 13/12/2017 04:33

A day off sounds good! How old is DD? Will you need to talk to her about what happened? X

dubmumof2 · 13/12/2017 04:35

I'm up too. Sorry OP that you seem to have put through the wringer tonight (and your DD) .

I know work tomorrow seems like the thing to be focusing your worries on right now but to be honest, will your DD be able for school in the morning after the night she has had? If you and she take a duvet day tomorrow - will your "D"H also be around? I don't think I'd want to see or engage with him at all. Is there somewhere else you and she could cuddle up on a sofa and catch up on sleep?

Curious as to why you feel you "overreacted" by taking DD into your room and locking the door. Your DH was drunk, angry and shouting and it seems from your later post that he had form for this kind of behaviour. Worried that you would already be considering justifying his escalation and putting yourself somehow in a position of blame....? FWIW it seems to me like a perfectly reasonable action under the circumstances.

Maybe now might not be the time but when you have some perspective on tonight's events and his attitude towards you and DD - which seems to be all about insisting on what he wants to do when he wants to do it with little regard for her safety, emotional well being or yours - in your shoes I might be evaluating the future of my marraige....

laudanum · 13/12/2017 04:56

Him being drunk doesn't excuse his behaviour one iota. He needs to face the consequences of his actions in the least love.

Babipotjam · 13/12/2017 04:58

Take a day off.
Does he normally act like that?

ChickenMom · 13/12/2017 05:05

If this is his behaviour then he should be completely tea total. Hammering on the door like that and upsetting the both of you is not acceptable behaviour. Remember that your DD saw and heard all of this. If she talks about that at school they would see it as a safeguarding issue and call in social services. You should seriously tell your DH that alcohol needs to be a no go from now on and if he can’t commit to that then you and DD are out of there. You felt unsafe and rightly so. Please don’t minimise this.

Ropsleybunny · 13/12/2017 05:31

You can’t go on like this, I think you need to separate. I’m so sorry you are going through this. 💐

mathanxiety · 13/12/2017 05:35

Agree with Dubmum.

This is cyclical.
You are suffering by having to take a day off, or worrying about it.
DD is suffering by being frightened, possibly scarred, and having to take the day off school.
You are faced with a difficult conversation with DD about what happened.
The only person apparently not affected by this is your DH.

You are within your rights to phone the police if he repeats the performance with the hammering on the door, threats, etc.

I know it is a big step to contemplate, but seriously, what consequences will he face if he all he has to do to brush this under the rug is see how upset you are and then apologise? Words are cheap.

Shadow666 · 13/12/2017 05:40

Honestly, I don't blame you for being scared. If I behaved like that when drink, I'd never drink again. Put the ball back in his court and explain how scared you were and ask what he intends to do about it. No point in changing for a few months and doing it again and again. I'd say it was ultimatum time. No more drinking or he's gone.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/12/2017 06:33

Why are you together at all now?. This is no life for you or your DD for that matter because she could well grow up thinking her dad's drinking binges are normal. You also state this has happened a number of times before and that you thought you have seen the last of this behaviour from him. It will happen again. It does not matter how rarely this happens; the fact that he drinks himself into insensibility is a red flag here indicative of he having an alcohol problem.

Do not cover for him, accept his apologies or minimise this for your sake or your child's; this is a problem and it is not yours to fix this for him. He has to himself want to address the root causes of his binge drinking behaviours and you cannot do anything to help him not that he wants your help anyway. You could also contact Al-anon as they are very helpful to people affected by another person's drinking. BTW did you grow up yourself seeing similar behaviours from a parent?

Original poster

OneShitNight · 13/12/2017 08:10

Thank you for all the helpful replies. Dd was wide awake at 7 and keen to go to school so we will but I've had to call in sick for work. She hasn't mentioned last night and I tried to keep things bright and civil between us all this morning in front of her.
As I expected h took the route of ignoring everything and acting slightly like the injured party 'no goodbye kiss I expect' and has gone off to work. He will try and ignore his way out of it I expect.

I just feel wiped out but as you can guess by the lack of replies I conked out pretty soon after posting my issues here. Headachy from crying and exhausted so glad I'm not working. I'm not sure what my next move is. I was all mouth and no trousers last night telling him I'd call the police if he broke the door down but I don't think either of us believed it. It's just a shit situation.

OP posts:

SendintheArdwolves · 13/12/2017 08:20

This isn't ok, OP. For you or your dd.

He spent an hour hammering on the door, nearly breaking it, while you and your dd hid inside? That must have been terrifying for her - not just that her dad was violent but that her mum had to hide from him as well.

But the bit that really jumped out was that, after an hour of "softly tapping" it was your DD who opened the door. That is so messed up, op - that she had to be the one to take the decision to let him in. Why did you let that happen?

Original poster

OneShitNight · 13/12/2017 08:24

Believe me it wasn't planned. I wanted to minimise the fear as I sensed a shift in his behaviour away from volitile so I let dd wander round the room. I took my eyes off her for a second and she opened it. I didn't want to start shouting to leave it closed as it would scare her and I sensed he had calmed down enough not to be a potential threat.

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 13/12/2017 08:28

As a child I experienced similar. My parents never mentioned it the next day and it was really distressing and confusing. You need to talk to her about it. Also be aware that she might confide in a teacher as well, which sound like might be a good thing for her so she can talk it through. It must have been really scary for her.

ShatnersWig · 13/12/2017 08:32

The first time anything like this happened, I'd have told a partner that if it ever happened again, the relationship/marriage would be over. They would then be on notice. A sensible partner would then never get drunk/stop at two glasses/whatever.

If it happened again, even if it was years later, I would leave.

This is a most unhealthy relationship OP as while it's not an everyday occurrence, it has happened before and your H is well aware he's crossed a line by his behaviour this morning. Anything other than absolute contrition, tears, promises not to drink again would be grounds to kick his sorry arse out today.

DivisionBelle · 13/12/2017 08:45

Good grief!

Your Dd was barricaded in her bedroom with him shouting and banging and hearing you threatening the police? She must have been terrified!

No wonder she couldn’t wait to get out of the house to school.

Right. You need to talk to her. Tell her he was wrong to behave like that. HE needs to apologise to your Dd and say he was very wrong to behave like that, that he had too much to drink and promise (and mean it) never to do that again.

If he can’t / won’t do this, you need to leave.

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