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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone awake? I've had a shit night.

39 replies

OneShitNight · 13/12/2017 03:59

Me and dh went out to a Christmas party. He drank way too much. He was an embarrassment. I'm not drinking at all so it felt more heightend I think.

We got back late and our child was awake with the babysitter gone 12am.

I don't trust dh or want him to carry dd up to bed so I put him off. He gets angry and demands I stay out of it and let him put her to bed as She'll just stay wide awake if I do it . I don't listen and ask him to go downstairs. Finnaly we are both downstairs and he is angry. Shouting that I don't listen etc. I overreact and feel threatened so I sneak upstairs and take (awake) dd into my room and lock the door. He spends an hour hammering on the door and threatening to break it down. It almost breaks. I tell him to back off and that he is scaring me and dd. He goes away, comes back and repeatedly, gently taps at the door. Dd ends up opening it and he wants us just to go to bed and fall asleep. I'm now asleep with dd in her room and don't know how I'll feel in a few hours when we have to get up. I'm meant to be doing an early shift so he's responsible for getting her ready and driving her to school in the morning. I think he'll still be drunk so I'm going to have to call in sick I think. I just hate him right now. I'm so upset and angry on behalf of dd and myself.

OP posts:

Original poster

OneShitNight · 13/12/2017 08:58

After school I'm going to have an honest conversation with her about last night. I've spoken to dh over the phone and he's now very sorry, saying he's an idiot and promising to cut out binge drinking.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/12/2017 09:08

Words are cheap OP and he will tell you simply what you want to hear.
This will happen again. Its actions he needs to take and he is showing no actual indication of wanting to address the root causes of such binges.

Look at his parents OP; do either of them drink heavily or like this?. I ask only as such behaviour can be learnt too.

Your DD cannot afford to grow up thinking her dad's drink binges are normal; she could well otherwise go onto choose someone just like him for a partner. Think carefully about what you are teaching her about relationships here.

Cockmagic · 13/12/2017 09:13

You're in an abusive relationship

Leave, show your DD that it's not acceptable for a man to behave that way.

SendintheArdwolves · 13/12/2017 09:16

You say this has happened in the past, OP, and now it's happened again.

How many times do you think it's ok for him to behave like this? If the answer (the honest answer) is "as long as it's only once a year or so, and he apologises after, then I'm going to accept it" then fine. But if the answer is "never ever again will I allow myself and my daughter to cower in fear while the man I voluntarily live with attempts to break down the door" then I think you should leave.

He's done it before, he'll do it again.

Lemond1fficult · 13/12/2017 09:21

Came on here to second what @NerrSnerr said - you need to chat to dd. I had a childhood of brushing unacceptable parental behaviour like this under the carpet and it left me anxious and hypervigilant - I still am.

Ideally your dh should also apologise to her and promise it won't happen again. And if it does, you should act straightaway so she knows you'll keep her safe.

Costacoffeeplease · 13/12/2017 09:32

He’s done this before, he’ll do it again. Give your daughter a better life

f83mx · 13/12/2017 09:38

Could you go and stay with DD somewhere else for a night - i think he needs to see the seriousness of this - I'm not saying LTB if this is obviously alcohol fuelled and its rare (as long as it is rare) but taking yourself a way for a night or two might kick the seriousness of this situation into him. If he can't handle his drink - he shouldn't drink, end of.

f83mx · 13/12/2017 09:38

(or ask him to stay somewhere else!)

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 13/12/2017 09:47

I put up with behaviour like this from ex h. My wake up call was when the health visitor told me it was my job to protect my child from abuse and if I didn't then I was part of it.

If last night's situation happens again it will be terrible again for your dd. If next time it's worse what happens then?

Hope you are taking some time to rest today after an awful night

LemonShark · 13/12/2017 10:42

If you stay with this man your daughter will grow up anxious, knowing that neither her mum or her dad can keep her safe. You have no idea the damaging effects witnessing violence and undergoing regular fight or flight response in your own home can have on a young child. If she speaks to anyone about this social services will get involved and want to see that you can keep her safe. She is not currently safe.

Sorry this seems harsh OP but it needs go be said. It's too easy from your perspective to convince yourself it'll be okay, he won't do it again, he'll stop drinking. All the while your little girl is the one who is helpless stuck in the situation.

She is watching you carefully to see how relationships work and what treatment you should put up with from a partner. Please consider ending this relationship, for the sake of your daughter and yourself. This is horrifying.

PhoenixRisingSlowly · 13/12/2017 10:52

This is abuse. You need to get out.

Loveatthefiveanddime · 13/12/2017 11:03

I am sorry you are finding yourself here OP. The urge to push this under the carpet and accept the apology will prove irresistible, I am sure. I feel so much for you here. You must be feeling so tired, raw and vulnerable now.

His behaviour and the scene you describe is truly shocking. It was appalling!. But you have been there before and so I guess if it didn't shock you enough the first time it will be less of a shock this time.
Next time it happens it will be less shocking still - more of a 'here we go again' scenario.

What is his behaviour like and drink consumption like the rest of the time? Is he an every

Loveatthefiveanddime · 13/12/2017 11:05

...sorry.. is he an every day drinker too, or only when he goes out? Does he binge every time he goes out? How much did he drink to get so off his face?

SendintheArdwolves · 13/12/2017 11:05

After school I'm going to have an honest conversation with her about last night

You need to think carefully about what you are going to tell her. Please don't minimise or downplay the seriousness of the violence she witnessed, or make excuses for her father's behaviour. You will be setting her up to make exactly the same excuses and justifications in her own relationships.

How are you going to communicate to her that she should never, ever put up with being terrorised in her own home by a man who claims to love her? Especially if you decide to tolerate it?

I've spoken to dh over the phone and he's now very sorry, saying he's an idiot and promising to cut out binge drinking

That is a worthless promise. No one sets out to binge drink - he will continue to drink as much as he feels like, and one day it will be too much again. And when he drinks, he will be violent towards you and your daughter.

Trying to break down a door to a room which has your DD in it is a violent act towards your DD make no mistake - he knew she was there and it didn't stop him. He wanted to frighten and dominate both of you - it wasn't just "he was angry with you and she happened to be there, but he would never hurt her".

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