Husband stonewalling me

[Beepbob]

My DH and I have been married for 23 years. I am a SAHM. My DH will not have a discussion with me if I disagree with him at all. Not about business, kids, needs, wants, etc

He has started starting at woman in shopping centers, flirting with every teller, etc l. So today I just walked away and when he came out the shop, he said "you just left me". I said "no you were flirting". It has blown up and he apparently will not be told what to do by me and will do as he pleases and the solution is that we can no longer go shopping together and that's not. No discussion, he will not engage at all. Once again, if I do t like it, I can see an attorney. I have called his bluff on this threat and said fine, go and see one. He just disengages and we do not speak for a week or two and then he pretends nothing happpened. There is obviously many more instances like this but please, I need advice as to how to be heard and how to not have my opinions/feelings/, etc ignored and made to feel invisible and not important.

Thank you Opal, your responses have been so insightful and supportive.

Thank you as well butterfly. I really appreciate your words. I am swinging wildly between deciding "enough, I am done" and "maybe if he just had a lightbulb moment". I am hoping the "enough" will stick 😢

How are you doing today?

What was there to stop him having a lightbulb moment in the last 23 years?

If he did have a lightbulb moment, what would that change? He has deeply ingrained habit, you have a deeply ingrained pattern with each other. If he decided to change everything about how he interacts with you, how many years of therapy do you think it would take?

You don't want a lightbulb, you want a magic wand to turn the frog into a prince. Put those thoughts into the same place in your mind where you spend your imagined lottery winnings.

He knows he has power over you as he senses how bad you feel by his silence. If you actually didnt give a dam his power would be gone. Then he would just be a fool walking around in a huff with no one caring.
If you feel unable to leave get some counselling for yourself to understand what the dynamic is. You were strong to walk away when he was flirting so good for you.
For the moment just ignore him and do something nice for yourself. Call a friend and go out to eat or go to a movie. Break the pattern in some way.

So many of us can relate to this. Its about power and once you truly understand he doesn't want a healthy relationship it will be freeing.Its not you, it's him.

I would highly recommend "the verbally abusive relationship" by Patricia Evans.

I left over a year ago.Its heartbreaking in once sense as our dc were so happy snd thriving, lovely home and no financial pressures.All dissolved because he couldn't have a healthy relationship.

Interestingly once I disengaged and put in place boundaries his anger/gaslighting intensified..which made it easier to see it as abuse.

Observe but don't absorb became my mantra.When you stand back its easier to see the ridculous nature of his behaviour however its painful to go through.

It sounds to me like you've always had chronic low self esteem otherwise why would you have married someone like this and and put up with this bullshit?

I am a SAHM......My sons are young adults other than the youngest who is 16?
I wouldn't call that a SAHM.......i'd call it unemployed.

You need to stop revolving the rest of your life around him - you've wasted enough time on him as it is.
I suggest you get a job so you can learn to be independent and have some financial independence too.
Work on your self esteem and confidence - you may want a man in your life but you certainly don't need one.
Go see a solicitor about divorcing this arsehole and get a good idea of your rights/what you can claim for in the divorce.

He's never going to 'listen' to you and he's never going to care about your feelings, because it sounds like he never actually has in the first place.
He's not going to change, OP, and you need to accept that so you can move on.

I know you will probably not want to leave your husband, LTB isn't the easy route out and I'm sure we all think we can salvage something if "we" try hard enough. It's nearly always us that outs in this effort.
However, my ex husband did this and after 17 years his total lack of ability to discuss anything whilst doing exactly what he wanted did destroy our marriage and I turned into a screaming harpy out of total frustration.
I really do think that a marriage cannot survive if one party refuses to discuss anything.
Then there is the small issue of why he thinks it is ok to flirt with other women right in front of you.
I'd be very blunt with him and ask outright if he is interested in keeping the marriage going.

Nothing has happened this side. I am (thankfully) reaching my limit. Tonight I said "are you going to ignore me forever" and he says "I see you are still angry, I can't speak to you when you are angry". I cannot explain how infuriating that is considering he has not so much as looked in my direction in days. I'm getting more angry, not less so. It is so incredibly disrespectful, it's unreal.

Textbook emotional abuse there. You are now understandably responding to his behaviour towards you, but rather than him acknowledging his actions he is now trying to beat you into submission. It's head fuckery, I've been there and it also made me very ill. It took me a while to get to the point of leaving once I started waking up to it though. I hope you don't take as long as me I was a very broken women, scared of my own shadow by the time I left. However, I stopped taking my anti depressants and lost a shit ton of weight (comfort eating weight) pretty much instantly though...which says a lot.

He has just asked if I feel like doing the deed ! Unbelievable! I said absolutely not! And turned over. I just don't get it.

I guess he feels you have been punished enough ....and you have probably learnt your lesson now. Prepare for more stonewalling now until you act like you are meant to.

This chills me to read. I was you. I eventually realised that I couldn't do it any more. It was one mean comment too far on his part. He was bloody awful.

Years on, we're divorced and actually get on ok. Everyone is happier. The dcs are far better off not witnessing that dynamic as their norm. Mine were very young so don't remember it.

I found the Lundy Bancroft book really insightful. You'll gasp in recognition when you find your h in there.. please get rid and be happy.

'One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.'

Lundy Bancroft.

It is so incredibly disrespectful, it's unreal.

Actually it is incredibly cruel. He knows precisely how much he is hurting you - he gets off on torturing you emotionally, he enjoys it, he gets a kick out of it.

I beg you to leave this man. If you can't do it for you then I beg you to leave him for the sake of your boys.

23 years. He's not going to change now. He has absolutely no intention of ever changing. Why should he, he enjoys hurting you.

But he's hurting your boys. I can't express how decimating it is for them to witness his abuse of their mother and to be powerless to do anything about it. A great deal of damage has already been done BUT leaving him now, taking control of your life, calling a firm halt to the abuse (by leaving him), thus at last protecting your boys will go some way to help them recover. It is likely they will have lifetime issues because of living and growing up in a severely abusive dynamic.

Because this is severe domestic abuse. Immaterial that he doesn't hit you.

Save your boys.

@beepbob

Just a note to say I hope you are ok and wish you a Happy Christmas.

I've been with my husband for the same length of time and my husband does a fine line in stonewalling. He also maintains a a right to criticise me as and when he feels it suits and to defend himself against percieved injustices. We are finally getting divorced. Of course it had to be him who put in the petition. Whenever I had previously mentioned it he called me stupid and a coward.

Please do as others have advised and call Women's Aid. These relationships can (and do) go grinding on for years. It is difficult to unfold a long relationship, but it is possible with the appropriate help.

My husband has been referred to a course for domestic abusers. He is furious with mehmm. I told him not to speak to me the way he was and go shout at the police or the SS.

Today the removals people came and he accused me of doing things behind his back. Since I was only moving out of the house what belongs to me, I am perfectly within my rights to move whatever of mine I like, and do with it what I like. What a twat he is.

Your husband is abusing you.

He is being passive aggressive.
You don't need him.
Find a good lawyer and move on.
Good luck OP

OP please listen to the people who have taken time to reply to you, there is no point in you begging him to speak to you, asking him if he will speak to you etc. Stop.
You say you don’t talk to your sons about the abuse but they know it’s happening, all kids who have abusive parent/s know what’s going on and are hugely damaged by it. You must talk to your sons about the abuse and educate them that it is not ok, or remotely acceptable and do not put any of the blame for your choice to stay in an abusive marriage on them.

My mother’s abusive husband does stonewalling too, I remember walking on eggshells and ignoring him right back because I wasn’t allowed to say ‘you people are fucking insane, wise up, please divorce’, as an adult I choose to not have either of them in my life, I see my mother briefly once a week but she’s damaged me so much I will not allow anymore, any whining about her husbands behaviour or how miserable she is is cut off, I spent my entire life trying to protect her and have given her options to get away from her husband and she won’t.

So in essence, if you choose to stay accepting being treated like filth, you really can’t complain, there are agencies that can help, as posted through the thread. Your abuser won’t change and doesn’t give a fuck, change the focus to yourself and how your choice to stay in an abusive marriage is impacting on your sons.

what a DICK....

leave him

It’s emotional abuse. Do yourself a favour and spend your Christmas money on a good divorce solicitor