Husband stonewalling me

[Beepbob]

My DH and I have been married for 23 years. I am a SAHM. My DH will not have a discussion with me if I disagree with him at all. Not about business, kids, needs, wants, etc

He has started starting at woman in shopping centers, flirting with every teller, etc l. So today I just walked away and when he came out the shop, he said "you just left me". I said "no you were flirting". It has blown up and he apparently will not be told what to do by me and will do as he pleases and the solution is that we can no longer go shopping together and that's not. No discussion, he will not engage at all. Once again, if I do t like it, I can see an attorney. I have called his bluff on this threat and said fine, go and see one. He just disengages and we do not speak for a week or two and then he pretends nothing happpened. There is obviously many more instances like this but please, I need advice as to how to be heard and how to not have my opinions/feelings/, etc ignored and made to feel invisible and not important.

Unfortunately Beepbob I have read into this alot. I have watched and learned and I have even had counselling with him.

I have come to the understanding that there is nothing I can do to change the set pattern at all. I am not in charge of the dance, he is.
So no rethinking of my approach, no rewording my careful sentences will ever trigger the decent human reaction within him. Not ever.

That realisation is sad and heavy because of the 18 wasted years I spent trying to understand and make it better which just resulted in making myself smaller and smaller.

However, it is also really freeing and that's what I am holding onto.

Meme, I want to know he hears me so that hopefully, when he does it again, he will be aware of me standing there and maybe not do it

Unless I have misunderstood and your DH has a hearing problem, then of course he has heard you, he just doesn't care about you, your needs, anyones needs other than his own.

You say you want to know how to not have my opinions/feelings/, etc ignored and made to feel invisible and not important.

This is never going to change with this man, stop trying. Plenty of people will be happy to relate to you without making you feel like shit, he is not one of them.

I'm sorry, I know I am going on but what am I supposed to do from here? He is refusing to speak to me other than "leave me alone". I feel panicked and so small.

Would you consider speaking to an organisation like Women's Aid? The way he treats you is emotional abuse.

Women's Aid can help you work out what you want to do next.

Don't apologise - nobody here is judging you - it's him we are judging.

He is the reason you feel so panicked and small. That is how he wants you to feel as it enables him to keep you "in your place"

0808 2000 247 is the number for Womens Aid.

How old are your children? Do you own or rent your home?

he's a disgrace.
how have you lasted so long?
find your pride and divorce this utter, utter prick.

Please speak to Womens Aid.
This is NOT normal behaviour.
You are conditioned after 23 years of this crappy abuse.
Time to find you and find your voice.
Listen to your own voice.
Sod him.
He'll never listen. You will NEVER be heard by him.
He doesn't value or respect you or your opinions.
I would imagine it would be the same with all women.
Time to find strength and stop putting yourself in last place.
Time to put you first after 23 years.
Get out. Find freedom, Find yourself.
It's truly liberating.
Freekin' scray but so good!
Trust us!

Thank you everyone. It sounds crazy but I feel ill at his ignoring me again. Like I will
Do anything to get him to acknowledge me. That just makes me so angry at myself. How could any human refuse to speak to another that they are supposed to love. How do you not want to find solutions. I just don't understand. Does he really hate me?

He may not hate you but he certainly doesn't love or respect you.

But I get the sense you will carry on putting up with it. Good luck

He can hear you all right. But he doesn't care about what you're actually saying...in fact he would like you to stop saying it; he would like to shut you up.

And he thinks that's fine. It isn't fine with you. But he's only concerned with what he thinks, not what you think. This is only going to change if you change it. And the only way for you to change it, is to not tolerate it. And the only way to do that...is to get out of this relationship. Because only you care about it. He doesn't. This isn't love.

It's not crazy to feel ill at someone you live with and care for ignoring you and being cruel to you. I doubt he hates you, I think he'd probably prefer it if you did exactly what he wanted and were quiet and compliant about it. He doesn't want to find a solution as he doesn't want to compromise, he wants you to go back to doing as you're told and being quiet about anything that upsets you.

You've spent a long time in this kind of environment so it may well take a long time to free yourself from it. There's something online called the Freedom Programme that might help, worth a look I think.

Sorry - I’ve No advice for you OP. Can sympathise with situation.

You are my mum 25 years on. She is a worn down woman who’s husband has had numerous affairs but she couldn’t bring herself to leave him all those years ago. I wish she would have left my father but she says she stayed for us. She shouldn’t have - she could have found someone and been happy.

Good luck op. You don’t sound like you want to leave him and want to try to work on things - in my experience, men like that don’t do ‘work on relationships’. They just get worse and worse.

The only way to win this game is not to play.
Leave and let him be sulky and silent and disrespectful to the walls.

Don't talk to him, talk to a divorce lawyer. He has already told you that's the only language he understands.

If you are finding it hard to ignore his sulking, go out. Go out with your mates and have some fun, don't be in the house with him.

Do you have any family or friends you could visit for a few days just to get away from everything and get your thoughts together?

I think I could go to my Dad for a few days. I have never told anyone what goes on here. Only my sons know.

How old are your sons? Do they ever remark on their father's treatment of you?

He sounds like a punisher. He will be obeyed, and any sign of dissent and he gives you the silent treatment until he sees fit to speak to you again. I couldn't live like that, and I wouldn't want to raise sons who witness that and think that is an acceptable way to treat a loved one. Is he like that with your sons?

Please get help. His behaviour is appalling and maybe you have been around it for too long so it has become normalised to you. But listen to the reactions of others on this thread. It isn't ok OP.

Hugs xx

You don't have to tell your Dad exactly what's going on, you can just say that everything's a bit stressful at home and you wanted to have some time away from it all.

My sons are young adults other than the youngest who is 16. Yes, sadly they all see that he treats me badly but don't talk about it much.

Married also for 20+ years to a lovely man who just could engage in a discussion, sadly it was asking too much of him. We separated a year ago and he has not spoken to me since. We have two teenage children so it has been necessary to be able to co-parent but has not been possible. With every day, week, month and now year that passes, his silence, whilst so saddening, only serves to reinforce that I had no alternative but to live apart from him. I had become so resentful that it affected my health and my relationship with my children. Life is really tough but I am more healthy and as I enter my late 50s, my health is now my priority. My very best wishes to you for whatever you decide to be your next step.

Thank you HarvestMoon. Every time we are not significant enough to engage, it chips away at who we are. It makes us less. It honestly feels like someone is standing on my chest, it physically hurts. I keep getting told "I can't be bothered". How those words hurt when every day I have put him and the children first. Then to be cast aside will such flippant words and gestures, makes me less.

I really suggest you look at freedom programme and start reading around these types of dynamics.

Research is what has freed me from the eternal dance of trying to make yourself better/ smaller/ more deserving.

When you start to read it is shocking because this complicated painful situation you can't really explain because of it complexities is written about in detail.
It's not unique, it's played out and old.

I could be you, you could be me and sadly I doubt it would matter to our husbands.

They revel in your confusion and pain and any appeal you make is wasted because you are looking for a normal reaction but actually they enjoy your vulnerability and the chance to calmly hurt you again.

Stop offering yourself up for that hurt. I know the habits are so deep, I know you can't understand why he does it, I know the instinct is just to fix it. God the humiliations I have put myself through.

I also don't think you are going to do any thing at the moment, you sound so deeply still in the thick of the pain.

In my lucid moments when I saw the cruelty I was being subjected to I stopped trying to talk to him and I started writing it down for myself. Just factual accounts of what had been said and done. Then I started reading them as if it was my friends situation.

I couldn't hold boundaries on my own behalf but for my friend I could see the treatment was vicious. And all the more chilling for being delivered so calmly.

I hope I do not sound lecturing, I have nothing but empathy and hope for you. You deserve so much better.

Heartfelt post ,opal and so relatable

If you value your own emotional and physical wellbeing you will need to put yourself first.
His behaviour will never change, he is incapable of changing. He will never treat you the way you should be treated. He is in control of the relationship... there is no compromise or respect for you.

At some point you may have a change in mindset yourself where it dawns on you that you are not going to take anymore of this abuse... and it is Emotional Abuse.

I just hope you find the strength to leave this situation and find peace of mind behind your own secure front door. That feeling of freedom is difficult to put into words, but it is life changing.

I hope you find the courage to change your life.