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Original poster

Why don't cheaters have the guts to tell you the truth?

50 replies

Bradybounce1 · 11/12/2017 15:09

Simple really..they minimise what they have done/the situation and won't share the truth with you.

Especially after it's over.

Why?

OP posts:
ladygoingGaga · 11/12/2017 15:14

They have spent a long time justifying their behaviour to themselves, so much so they actually believe the story they have told themselves.

Reality is then a threatening prospect.

All to often they are also devoid of any empathy, or decency, a narcissist at best or sociopath at worst.

PaintingByNumbers · 11/12/2017 15:17

Because they think you will leave and tell everyone.

Magpie18 · 11/12/2017 19:19

Because they tell themselves they don't want to hurt you even more. Yeah right........

Original poster
Bradybounce1 · 11/12/2017 19:28

All relevant and true so far.

Not mature enough to face up to consequences of their actions so they'd rather run away.

OP posts:
Aminuts23 · 11/12/2017 19:32

Because that would confront them with what they have actually done. They’ve likely spent weeks/months/years weaving an elaborate web of lies. Telling OW/OM how bad their home life was, all the usual ‘script’ stuff that to actually admit their deceit to that level would be difficult. Also actual descriptions of when/where/how often etc would be the same. Maybe a trace of trying to be protective but for the main part I think desperately trying to save their own weasely lying skin

SandyY2K · 11/12/2017 19:39

Cheating and lying go hand in hand.

Telling the truth means facing up to what they've done.

PNGirl · 11/12/2017 19:40

They don't want to get a bollocking basically. Like when little kids say they didn't break the vase when they were the only one in the room.

flumpybear · 11/12/2017 19:41

Easy life!

IJoinedJustToPostThis · 11/12/2017 19:42

Cheaters want to be loved/adored etc. That's why many of them cheat - their 'main' relationship isn't enough for them.

They think telling the whole truth will make them less loved than telling lies/minimising, so they tell lies/minimise.

LaughingLlama · 11/12/2017 19:45

Shallow, selfish, disrespectful liars are what people who have affairs are. Why would anyone with those attributes have the desire to be honest?
Shit people with shit values in a nutshell!

uncoolnn · 11/12/2017 19:54

Genuinely believing they've done nothing wrong I think. My ex cheated on me but if you listen to him the relationship break down was all my fault Hmm

NellMangel · 11/12/2017 22:54

I had a phone conversation with my ex today, in the course of the conversation I reminded him about how, when I found out about his OW in 2016, I went into his emails and found emails to yet another woman in 2012. It wasn't a big accusation, just a reminder of how he'd dicked me around more than once, we'd already argued about it all last year

I had actual physical proof as I forwarded the messages to myself and to him at the time.

His response - he didnt remember that, then he started talking about his account being hacked etc.

We've split up, he's marrying OW this month, yet STILL he finds it necessary to lie and deny to me.

I told him he can drop the bullshit now as I see exactly who he is. He wont though. I think its cos he's built a big jenga style tower of lies and if he concedes one lie the rest will come tumbling down.

I just laugh at him now when he starts off on his stories, the anger has gone and I just see this pathetic man practically humping the leg of anyone who looks his way.

madeyemoodysmum · 11/12/2017 23:16

Nell mangle. Bless you. I'm glad you've moved on but your tale made me chuckle. It's the way you tell it.

NellMangel · 11/12/2017 23:26

I'm also at the laughing stage madeye. He doesn't know how to play me now I'm not all hurt, sad and angry. He just nods and looks at his feet a lot.

EyeSaidTheFly · 11/12/2017 23:38

Lauren Hill has the answer to this one, OP:

'Men who lack conscience will even lie to themselves
To themselves
A friend once said, and I found to be true
That everyday people, they lie to God too
So what makes you think, that they won't lie to you?'

HTH

Original poster
Bradybounce1 · 12/12/2017 09:46

All the responses are making me nod my head in agreement.

Especially when you know more than they think you know lol

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 12/12/2017 11:22

Cheater have a different reality in their heads.
Mine was paying me a £1000 CSA a month.. ur no £200
I had cheated on him,,, never had ever.
The children were not his... When someone asked him directly about getting a DNA test he said no point he knew 100% he was the kids dad.
Oh and then he seemed to have implied I split with him a year before and had been sleeping sofa... Kids soon put the new girlfriend right about that one.

greenberet · 13/12/2017 03:56

Cowards basically not to the outside world but to themselves -but they don't get it - they will not escape - life has a funny way of making us face our fears whether we want to or not - only when we have done this we are set free. Alzheimer's/ dementia I believe is somehow linked to this - a distortion of reality to the extreme that _ somehow you end up being locked inside yourself - unable to escape your past demons!

newbirds · 13/12/2017 07:16

His response - he didnt remember that, then he started talking about his account being hacked etc.

My cheater tried a similar approach, just shut down and said 'it's not how you say it is'. Even when faced with evidence to indicate it was exactly like that Hmm

newbirds · 13/12/2017 07:21

I can only assume cheaters convince themselves of a different reality to alleviate guilt. They know they've done wrong, but like someone else said, they think their actions will minimise their chances of getting the love and adoration they crave so tell themselves a completely different (also fictitious) narrative.

falange · 13/12/2017 07:22

Because they have told so many lies they can't remember all of them so they think it's best to say nothing, rather than get caught out.

Original poster
Bradybounce1 · 14/12/2017 17:15

I would have more respect for my cheater if the truth was told.

Their selfish agenda is awful. I wish my cheater all the best in the future...life goes on.

OP posts:
WinchestersInATardis · 14/12/2017 19:37

It's bizarre. I remember when I confronted xH and told him I knew but didn't tell him I knew all the details. He lied repeatedly, swearing that it was the truth and he's never risk our marriage by lying. Then he'd lie in the next sentence, and I'd say I knew that wasn't true, and...repeat.
It was fascinating. I could see the wheels turning each time I told him I knew it wasn't true.
Not once did he think 'hey let's be honest' even though I'd said I knew everything. Every single time he came up with the best story he could to minimise what he thought I knew.
I think some people are so used to lying that it just comes as instinctively as telling the truth, especially if they think the truth will make things harder for them.
They take the option that's going to make things easiest for them and the truth isn't relevant.

DrMorbius · 14/12/2017 19:47

Simple, there is no upside to telling the truth. Give me one good reason they should tell the truth.

PaintingByNumbers · 14/12/2017 20:29

The truth is cathartic sometimes. My dh lied lied lied but I 'knew' even if I didnt have proof. His denials drove me insane with anger. The truth cleared the air.

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