Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Why don't cheaters have the guts to tell you the truth?

50 replies

Bradybounce1 · 11/12/2017 15:09

Simple really..they minimise what they have done/the situation and won't share the truth with you.

Especially after it's over.

Why?

OP posts:

Offred · 14/12/2017 20:33

I think it is as simple as if they have cheated. Following the cheating they’d prefer to also get away without taking responsibility for the cheating...

Offred · 14/12/2017 20:36

You’ve already done something bad, doing something else bad to avoid being seen doing the first bad thing doesn’t seem so much of a leap.

HipNewName · 14/12/2017 23:19

I think that at some level, they believe they have a right to have things that are kept private from their spouse. Both the affair and the lying about it are both outcomes of the belief that their spouse doesn't really have the right to know what they do.

They lie because they just don't believe it is any of our business.

ChiaraRimini · 15/12/2017 00:51

Isn't this obvious?
It's because they don't want you to finish with them. If they thought you'd be ok with them being unfaithful they would have told you upfront...

NickyNora · 15/12/2017 01:03

I think its much more basic.
They want their cake & to eat it.
Not happy in the marriage but too messy, difficult or finances stop them going...

They don't think they will get caught.

revengeongc · 15/12/2017 11:03

What NickyNora said.

Because they're sad, selfish, entitled, arrogant cake-eaters.

They don't understand that most people don't tell lies as a matter of course. Or they do understand, and think telling the truth is weakness.

revengeongc · 15/12/2017 11:04

Also, they care not a jot about your feelings. So what if the truth would make you feel better (eventually)? What matters is HOW they feel.

revengeongc · 15/12/2017 11:04

How THEY feel, I mean!

Original poster

Bradybounce1 · 15/12/2017 11:05

chiara Is it a case of them waiting until they are ready to make the jump?

OP posts:

yetmorecrap · 15/12/2017 13:11

I think some know full well if they tell the truth, there is a good chance you would leave them and never feel the same about them even if you dont leave, many of them don't actually want that , so they say as little as they think you can possibly know and cross fingers that you wont find out more.

yetmorecrap · 15/12/2017 13:12

like someone else said. I would rather have the full truth and an air clearing exercise , where decisions can be made knowing full facts.

TheNaze73 · 15/12/2017 15:23

Probably to keep people as option for the future

BrokenBattleDroid · 15/12/2017 16:01

The people who have cheated on me were much more inclined to lie and be less open from the off, about everything.

I think if lying is part of your personality then you're more inclined to cheat as you are used to making excuses to yourself and have a low threshold for deceiving others.

Someone like that isn't going suddenly open up about it after to help their partner though it, it's just not in their nature. They brush it under the carpet and avoid giving it any thought. It would undermine their whole existence (not just their relationship behaviour) to examine themselves too closely!

BackInTheRoom · 15/12/2017 21:29

@HipNewName

I think you're spot on. Affairs are about entitlement and by this stage it's about what they want and their partner is not considered and not important anymore so why the hell is it any of their business.

Aroundtheworldandback · 15/12/2017 22:36

Because they have too much to lose. Ex-dh didn’t want to lose his kids and cushy life. He did though.

Elendon · 16/12/2017 12:23

They don't want their friends, work colleagues and family to judge them badly.

mummmy2017 · 16/12/2017 18:36

Aroundtheworldandback how goes it, followed your thread....

VioletDaze · 16/12/2017 19:27

I think most people are, at heart, selfish. And I think few people will do something that actively disadvantages them if there's no pay off for them.

Most of the time, a full confession would either mean you'd leave them (and they lose) or you've already decided to leave, and the relationship is over and they have nothing to gain from another fight.

Aroundtheworldandback · 20/12/2017 23:12

Mummy2017 which thread was that.. haven’t posted too much about ex-h as luckily he’s history and I’m very happily remarried

Original poster

Bradybounce1 · 21/12/2017 08:30

Well I had a heart to heart with my cheater yesterday. Some more details were offered up but so much was held back. Validates everything that has been said.

OP posts:

Chestnutsroastingaway · 21/12/2017 08:40

Because they are spineless and have too much to loose

Because in their minds they have done nothing wrong

Because they thought they could get away with it and never have to explain their actions

Because deep down they really only care about themselves not their partners or who they have cheated with if they cared about either of them they wouldn’t have cheated in the first place

Thebluedog · 21/12/2017 08:44

Lots of reasons I think

It makes them look like a scum bag
They’ve been caught lying
They don’t want you to leave
They don’t want friends and family to know
They don’t like the idea of people judging them
The list goes on really

Twoweekcruise · 21/12/2017 09:04

Because they are selfish people with very low self esteem. Telling the truth would mean exposing who they really are not of only to the outside world but to themselves and they can't handle that so they carry on in their little world of deceit thinking they can't possibly get caught out. I know a cheater and this person must be exhausted from putting on a show to the outside world, everyone thinks they are a wonderful person full of compassion and integrity, but they are far from that person!

keepingonrunning · 21/12/2017 12:33

Far from having low self esteem I think they have the entitlement complex of a super ego.
Other reasons:
Because they can.
Because they "want their cake and to eat it too."
Because they think they are so clever they will get away with it.
If they get found out they think others will be too ashamed for them / too afraid / too incredulous / too reluctant to get involved / feel it is better for the duped spouse if they are kept in the dark to expose them as a cheat. Then there are plenty of people who simply don't care about infidelity or accept it as c'est la vie, "everyone does it". So the risk of close family finding out can be low.
Low/zero respect for others to be honest and end their first relationship before embarking on another.
Their spouse is useful to them as a housekeeper, cook, nanny, provider of financial security, in line for an inheritance and they don't want access to those benefits to be jeopardised.

Chestnutsroastingaway · 21/12/2017 14:32

Spot on keep on running spot on

It’s about super ego not low self esteem, ego, arrogance and being selfish

Totally correct about not wanting to loose a housekeeper - Home, car, kids, retirement fund etc etc that’s what looks good to the outside world and what they think they need to have in life to be seen as successful

Affair gives them their sexual kicks and ego massaged and the side of them they’d rather not admit to being

Flip

1 2