Is it my fault ? Should I move in with him ? Or end it once and for all ?

[piginthemiddle]

Need some things put into perspective Mumsnetters.

My DS dad really wants us to move in together. We are both 24. He wants us to settle down officially and make a go of it, to move on from the past, let go and look forward to the future. Sounds great ? My heart is telling me to go for it, give DS dad a proper chance to be a dad...be family and him taking a part, fully, in DS care. However, my head is telling me, no, that I might as well give up on life. He also mentioned to me that it's my fault that things are the way they now are...not living together, being stuck in the past. He even asked me "What good did you get from staying at your Aunty's house". I replied to him that "I got a degree ". Something I wouldn't achieve if I lived with him.

These are my reason why I'm cautious to make a go of things and "let go".

1. DS dad and I got together in our early teens, not long after that DS was born. He was highly abusive, in every aspect. You name it, sexually, physically, emotionally. Social services were in and out of mine and, my then, young son's life. He asked me to move with him then but I couldn't. He was abusive, I knew I would make a huge mistake in living him. I also didn't want DS to grow up in that abusive environment. Thankfully, he is not like this anymore, social services were happy with the supervised visits, his allowed to see DS unsupervised and SS are no longer involved.
   

1. He smokes weed. I know a few Mumsnetters on here who have no issues with weed. But DS dad smokes it too much. When we used to stay over at DS's dad in the past. I use to hate waking up in the morning to smell that foul weed smoke. I also don't want DS to be brought up in a house where he can smell or see his dad smoking a spliff.
   

1. His not a "man" or a "father". I can't picture him when DS reaches his teenage years and giving him mature/ adult advice. Plus, his a bit childish... a minor example...DS really wants a Nintendo DS for Christmas, DS dad said he "will get him a PS4", I told him " Well DS wants other things for Christmas, he doesn't want a PS4". DS dad replied "Well..he will once I buy it for him". Can you see ? DS dad doesn't think about DS wants. He only wants to get PS4 for DS (which I highly doubt he will get anyway) as it's something he would want to buy for himself (even though he has one). ifyswim.
   

1. We don't live together. But he doesn't support DS at all. Not financially, emotionally, doesn't see DS unless for special occasions..e.g. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, School plays. He now has his own place..2 hours away, he tells me "DS can't stay over yet as he still has to sort out his house". DS has only stayed over there once. Makes many excuses not to support his child, such as "is on benefits and has bills to pay "...he's now working but again using the same excuse " I have bills to pay, when you live by yourself then you would know what I'm talking about". Due to us having DS young, he got kicked out from his parents house and was homeless for quite a few years ( I helped him tremendously during this period). He reckons that his done "all of this" for DS and doesn't want to give up everything for DS again . DS is very into football and he hasn't taken DS to his football classes or even kicked around with a ball in the park. His excuse is " I'm not into football". Well neither am I, but I take DS to his football classes, tournaments because it's his interests.
   

1. Makes me feel like shit. He came to an event, which DS was participating in. He told me that the receptionist flirted with him and said " I can't believe DS is your son, he's a very handsome boy" to which DS dad replied " Yes, he got it from me" and she said "Yes, I can see that". .
   

We were in the store with DS and he eyed up this woman and turned his head to stare at her. When we walked out from the shop. He then proclaimed that " he forgot to buy something". Which the real reason was so that he can check out this woman some more, as she was in the store. He tells me that I dress too posh and act like it too.

1. Wants to have sex too much. Honestly, if I officially moved in with him. He would want sex at least 3 times a day. As a result, I fear I may end up with loads of kids with little to no support.
   

All that being said. DS dad wants us to have another go for a relationship, but this time move in together. Sort of like.... I don't know if any of you watch Eastenders and seen the Lauren and Steven's story-line. But DS dad is like Steven, where he wants to settle down and like (Lauren) who isn't too sure.

What would you Mums netters do ? Should I forget what happened in the past ? Should I go for it ? Is it my fault, like DS dad had said, that the reason why the way things are is because of me?

In honesty. I think this is a bad idea. I'm 24, I really don't want to end up in this revolving cycle and not move on from DS dad till I'm about 50. But, I don't know what to do. Should we try again ? Should I accept his proposal ?

[NewLove]

It sounds like you are talking yourself out of it (rightly) in your initial post...

My view on it is this - you have your degree, he has moved out and is on the dole and realising how expensive life is. He sees your potential and sees you as a cash cow to fund his lifestyle

[iamafraidofvirginiawolves3cats]

I got as far as point 1. NO, NO NO.- worst thing in the world for your child to be around this man. Let go of the past by moving as far away from this man as possible.
Whatever you do, do not sleep with this man or get pregnant by him.

[iamafraidofvirginiawolves3cats]

Just read a few of the more recent posts. Even if SS have given unsupervised contact, it doesn’t mean he has been ‘ cured ‘ of his abusive tendencies. They are still there...think about what that means for you and your little boy if you get together.
You have achieved so much away from him. You have your dreams and ambitions and your hopes for your son. That’s your future, not this no hoper.
Value yourself and the life you are building, get far, fa4 away from this horrible man and one your prince ( or at least a decent, non abusive man) will come to create that family you yearn for.

[iamafraidofvirginiawolves3cats]

One day obvs

[onanotherday]

OP it's a tough time of year to be a single mum. Also to look about and see friends coupled up ( although I wouldn't envy them ..too young IMO)
You have raised your DS and got a degree.
You have opportunities this manchild doesn't. You can get a well paid job..travel..build a great life.
He sees you as a meal ticket with benefits...he's abusive still
What does he brig to the table? is he working...have his own home...plans for the futher. Or are you his plan...money..sex...while he smokes weed and plays on the ps4. of cause he wants you yo love it!!! PLEASE DON'T

if I were you US get CMS involved and move away. Look ahead and only allow him in your ds's life if he can be a real dad
.that's paying for him and building a bond..from afar. Good luck and stay strong.

[onanotherday]

typos...too early

[toopeoply]

Good god no. I'm sorry I haven't read all the replies but you are young, give yourself a chance to move in. You are all your son needs. He sounds horrific and he will bring absolutely nothing positive to the family home.

[toopeoply]

Move on, I meant

[TheHoneyBadger]

Hey - agree with what everyone has said about this and am glad to see you've come round to knowing it's a terrible idea too.

You said several times 'how will i cope with this on my own' and i just wanted to state that anything you would have to cope with would be harder WITH this man.

I also want to say very tentatively that you might meet a decent man you know?

I say it tentatively because it used to annoy the hell out of me when people said it. I've raised my son (now ten) on my own from the start and his father has chosen no contact with him. When people would say 'you'll meet someone' or such like it would annoy me that they thought i needed that rather than us coping fine thankyou.

But I have now got a lovely relationship with a fantastic guy who I and my son love and who loves us both beautifully. He is moving in with us next week. I didn't think i wanted that and i certainly never expected it but there you go.

You are 24, you have a degree despite becoming a mum as a teenager and you have managed raising your child alone and without support from his deadbeat Dad. The world is the oyster of women like you I promise you. If this didn't hold you back or break you then what could?

[Greenshoots1]

He smokes weed

I got as far as this.

No.

[Angrybird345]

No way! He is a loser and will drag you and your son done and ruin your lives. He’s a waster. Keep him at a distance.

[AmethystRaven]

Be strong. If you waver just come back here for support.

Look at it from a different perspective. You want to settle down because your friends are - if you were to settle down with this loser they would all be thinking 'why is pig being such an idiot?'.

There will be more opportunities for the family life you want. This is not it.

[Mooncuplanding]

Please get your resolve firmly in place. Write down why you are not with this pitiful excuse for a man and then also your plans for the next 12 months and read it whenever he's back online being vaguely convincing he is a nice human.

When I read your posts I can literally picture this repulsive man and I know why he probably seems quite convincing. But he's such a cliche and they bring nothing to the world but negative drama and absolute misery.

Just to really bring that point home to you, if you do a list of all the reasons why you shouldn't be with him, see if you can write one single thing that is positive about HIM. So not that he is dss dad because that's currently just sperm provision- he is a dad but it not being a dad and that's very different. But see if you can think of any singular feature he has which is positive. Kind? Thoughtful? Supportive of my ambitions?

The one which occasionally comes up with men like this is "funny". I guarantee if you actually examine his hilarity, the jokes are always at the expense of someone else or simply just to make him look good when really humour is at its best when no one feels uncomfortable and it's funny for everyone.

I literally hate men like him and they hate me.

Otoh I have absolute total respect and all the time in the world for a young women who is making it despite the odds. You don't need this man, your ds doesn't need this man. Plan your next 12 months, see what you want to achieve and guard it carefully.

[Tattybear16]

Seriously, you need to wake up. This is not a relationship, do you have "welcome" stamped on your back. So he can wipe his feet. He can afford a PS4 and not help you financially? You need to move on, you are old before your time, there is no future with this man. You need to look to the future, he is not allowing you to move on by keep dragging you back emotionally. You don't mention love,. Why?

Before you know it, in the blink of an eye, life will have passed you by, time you can never get back. All of it wasted on this looser. You are young, there is a better life out there for you and your son. You deserve better, and only you can change that.

[QuiteLikely5]

Abusive men do not change. He has stopped abusing you because you have removed yourself from the situation.

He smokes weed - it stinks - costs money - it’s addictive- has side effects of paranoia/anxiety etc when you stop taking it

He’s not a good father now so would be worse if you lived with him.

‘Marry a man who you want your son to be like’

This man is a terrible role model and if you expose your son to the harmful dynamics of your relationship then his potential in life will already be harmed.

[piginthemiddle]

Hello all,

Sorry for not updating. I had a very busy week.

Thanks for all your messages, when I have doubts, I open this thread and re- read the comments.

Since I last posted. DS dad got paid yesterday and promised to take DS out, to make it up to him for not being able to attend somewhere with him. I was very casual, didn’t say much during the phone call and kept it strictly about DS. He noticed and asked me “ Why are you acting weird ?”. I then, sadly, let rip... I told him “ I don’t feel like you support DS...your useless...”. I also mentioned to him that “When you come to pick up DS, do not come Into my house”... (as this is where all the physical abuse happened”. He was hurt and said “ But that was a long time ago”.

He also asked me to come with him and DS to the place where he wanted to take him. I told him “No, as we are not like that, this outing is just for you and DS” (he doesn’t like going to places on his own and always wants someone to tag along). He was even more hurt, turned back home and said “I’m not taking DS out anymore, you disrespected me, I’m not taking it. Things between us are finished”.

I do feel bad for losing my cool and speaking to him like that on the phone as he didn’t see DS in the end, because of the way I reacted.

I do worry doing it totally on my own. DS is on the spectrum and as lovely as he is, he does have his moments ! Plus I don’t know what he’ll be like in his teens and would of wanted the support from his dad when he reaches this next stage.

[hellsbellsmelons]

he didn’t see DS in the end, because of the way I reacted.
You seriously need to get his voice out of your head.
HE didn't see HIS DS because he's a fucking cunt!!!
It really is that simple.
Don't over complicate it.
He chose to react in that way.
He chose to not bother with his DS to punish you.
He's using your son as a pawn in his controlling little game.
Do NOT listen to him.
YOU did nothing wrong here.
Don't let it get to you.
If he threatens that again just tell it's fine as you love spending time with DS on your own so it works out well for you.
He'll soon change his tune!

[PilarTernera]

He is selfish and manipulative, it is not your fault he is like that. You have done nothing wrong. He decided to throw a strop to try and get you to back down. Well done for refusing to play his game!

He refused to see his own son as promised. His is using your son to control you. That is not the behaviour of a loving father.

[bibliomania]

A good father would not punish his son because his mother refused to fall in line. This applies now, and this applies to your son's teens.

This man cannot be the person you want him to be. It is just not who he is.

(And PS congrats on the degree!)

[trappedinsuburbia]

Your never going to get the support of this man EVER.
As for dealing with your ds as he becomes a teen, you just do, as they grow you grow as well, just keep talking to your ds and keep good communication between you and you won't go far wrong.
(Speaking as a single parent of a hormonal moody teen).

[lazyleo]

I know you are probably hurting on your son's behalf but see it for what it is - another spotlight showing what a utter insert word of choice he is. He doesn't deserve you or your son and believe me, whether your son is on the spectrum or not, you are better off without him. I know someone who's marriage ended primarly because he could not deal with their kids, especially their littlest with ADHD. The way he spoke to and belitted their kids was enough for her to end it. And she copes amazingly with three kids, one with ADHD. You've already proven how far you can go on your own. Throw off the hold he has on you. You are capable. You are strong. You are your son's mum, protector, guider and leader. And he will love you for it way more than for allowing this shitbag to mess up your lives.

[StormTreader]

“I’m not taking DS out anymore, you disrespected me, I’m not taking it. Things between us are finished”.

And there it is, he was taking DS out purely to force you to play happy families and spend time with him. As soon as you said you wouldnt be, he refused to take your DS out because "things between us are finished."

[TheSecondMrsAshwell]

I know this came from further back in the thread:

How do you not look at other people’s lives... in my case... my friends lives who are settled, married, having more DC’s and focus on my life ?

Here is the news: there are other men out there. Men who will love you and treat you like the woman you are, not a meal ticket/housekeeper.

Men who will take your DS to football. Maybe the odd kickabout in the park (they might be rubbish at it, but they will do it).

Men who will have a family with you and muck in and do what a Dad needs to do for his children.

And men who will not exacerbate any MH problems your DS might have in future, like this flap of DNA will.

And in the meantime, you can bring your DS up to be all of the above.

Good luck.

[AcrossthePond55]

Good on you for 'letting it rip'! You didn't say anything that didn't need to be said, loudly and clearly!

His refusal to see DS is completely about him trying to use your DS to control you. He couldn't have said it more clearly.

He said "We're finished" because you refused to toe his line? Good!!! He's done your job for you. But just expect that you'll hear from him after he thinks he's 'punished' you with his absence. Instead, you use this time to realize how peaceful your home and your life is without him in it!

He would never, NEVER have been a source of support for you IF (not when, IF) your DS has 'troubles' as a teen. As a matter of fact, he would have blamed you for not being able to 'control' DS and would have fucked off anyway if the going gets rough. You don't need that. Far better to face any possible future 'troubles' knowing that you have to shoulder the load on your own than to think you have support only to have the rug pulled out from under you!

You'll be so much better without this waste of space in your life.