Need some things put into perspective Mumsnetters.
My DS dad really wants us to move in together. We are both 24. He wants us to settle down officially and make a go of it, to move on from the past, let go and look forward to the future. Sounds great ? My heart is telling me to go for it, give DS dad a proper chance to be a dad...be family and him taking a part, fully, in DS care. However, my head is telling me, no, that I might as well give up on life. He also mentioned to me that it's my fault that things are the way they now are...not living together, being stuck in the past. He even asked me "What good did you get from staying at your Aunty's house". I replied to him that "I got a degree ". Something I wouldn't achieve if I lived with him.
These are my reason why I'm cautious to make a go of things and "let go".
- DS dad and I got together in our early teens, not long after that DS was born. He was highly abusive, in every aspect. You name it, sexually, physically, emotionally. Social services were in and out of mine and, my then, young son's life. He asked me to move with him then but I couldn't. He was abusive, I knew I would make a huge mistake in living him. I also didn't want DS to grow up in that abusive environment. Thankfully, he is not like this anymore, social services were happy with the supervised visits, his allowed to see DS unsupervised and SS are no longer involved.
- He smokes weed. I know a few Mumsnetters on here who have no issues with weed. But DS dad smokes it too much. When we used to stay over at DS's dad in the past. I use to hate waking up in the morning to smell that foul weed smoke. I also don't want DS to be brought up in a house where he can smell or see his dad smoking a spliff.
- His not a "man" or a "father". I can't picture him when DS reaches his teenage years and giving him mature/ adult advice. Plus, his a bit childish... a minor example...DS really wants a Nintendo DS for Christmas, DS dad said he "will get him a PS4", I told him " Well DS wants other things for Christmas, he doesn't want a PS4". DS dad replied "Well..he will once I buy it for him". Can you see ? DS dad doesn't think about DS wants. He only wants to get PS4 for DS (which I highly doubt he will get anyway) as it's something he would want to buy for himself (even though he has one). ifyswim.
- We don't live together. But he doesn't support DS at all. Not financially, emotionally, doesn't see DS unless for special occasions..e.g. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, School plays. He now has his own place..2 hours away, he tells me "DS can't stay over yet as he still has to sort out his house". DS has only stayed over there once. Makes many excuses not to support his child, such as "is on benefits and has bills to pay "...he's now working but again using the same excuse " I have bills to pay, when you live by yourself then you would know what I'm talking about". Due to us having DS young, he got kicked out from his parents house and was homeless for quite a few years ( I helped him tremendously during this period). He reckons that his done "all of this" for DS and doesn't want to give up everything for DS again
. DS is very into football and he hasn't taken DS to his football classes or even kicked around with a ball in the park. His excuse is " I'm not into football". Well neither am I, but I take DS to his football classes, tournaments because it's his interests.
- Makes me feel like shit. He came to an event, which DS was participating in. He told me that the receptionist flirted with him and said " I can't believe DS is your son, he's a very handsome boy" to which DS dad replied " Yes, he got it from me" and she said "Yes, I can see that".
.
We were in the store with DS and he eyed up this woman and turned his head to stare at her. When we walked out from the shop. He then proclaimed that " he forgot to buy something". Which the real reason was so that he can check out this woman some more, as she was in the store. He tells me that I dress too posh and act like it too.
- Wants to have sex too much. Honestly, if I officially moved in with him. He would want sex at least 3 times a day. As a result, I fear I may end up with loads of kids with little to no support.
All that being said. DS dad wants us to have another go for a relationship, but this time move in together. Sort of like.... I don't know if any of you watch Eastenders and seen the Lauren and Steven's story-line. But DS dad is like Steven, where he wants to settle down and like (Lauren) who isn't too sure.
What would you Mums netters do ? Should I forget what happened in the past ? Should I go for it ? Is it my fault, like DS dad had said, that the reason why the way things are is because of me?
In honesty. I think this is a bad idea. I'm 24, I really don't want to end up in this revolving cycle and not move on from DS dad till I'm about 50. But, I don't know what to do. Should we try again ? Should I accept his proposal ?