Is it my fault ? Should I move in with him ? Or end it once and for all ?

[piginthemiddle]

Need some things put into perspective Mumsnetters.

My DS dad really wants us to move in together. We are both 24. He wants us to settle down officially and make a go of it, to move on from the past, let go and look forward to the future. Sounds great ? My heart is telling me to go for it, give DS dad a proper chance to be a dad...be family and him taking a part, fully, in DS care. However, my head is telling me, no, that I might as well give up on life. He also mentioned to me that it's my fault that things are the way they now are...not living together, being stuck in the past. He even asked me "What good did you get from staying at your Aunty's house". I replied to him that "I got a degree ". Something I wouldn't achieve if I lived with him.

These are my reason why I'm cautious to make a go of things and "let go".

1. DS dad and I got together in our early teens, not long after that DS was born. He was highly abusive, in every aspect. You name it, sexually, physically, emotionally. Social services were in and out of mine and, my then, young son's life. He asked me to move with him then but I couldn't. He was abusive, I knew I would make a huge mistake in living him. I also didn't want DS to grow up in that abusive environment. Thankfully, he is not like this anymore, social services were happy with the supervised visits, his allowed to see DS unsupervised and SS are no longer involved.
   

1. He smokes weed. I know a few Mumsnetters on here who have no issues with weed. But DS dad smokes it too much. When we used to stay over at DS's dad in the past. I use to hate waking up in the morning to smell that foul weed smoke. I also don't want DS to be brought up in a house where he can smell or see his dad smoking a spliff.
   

1. His not a "man" or a "father". I can't picture him when DS reaches his teenage years and giving him mature/ adult advice. Plus, his a bit childish... a minor example...DS really wants a Nintendo DS for Christmas, DS dad said he "will get him a PS4", I told him " Well DS wants other things for Christmas, he doesn't want a PS4". DS dad replied "Well..he will once I buy it for him". Can you see ? DS dad doesn't think about DS wants. He only wants to get PS4 for DS (which I highly doubt he will get anyway) as it's something he would want to buy for himself (even though he has one). ifyswim.
   

1. We don't live together. But he doesn't support DS at all. Not financially, emotionally, doesn't see DS unless for special occasions..e.g. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, School plays. He now has his own place..2 hours away, he tells me "DS can't stay over yet as he still has to sort out his house". DS has only stayed over there once. Makes many excuses not to support his child, such as "is on benefits and has bills to pay "...he's now working but again using the same excuse " I have bills to pay, when you live by yourself then you would know what I'm talking about". Due to us having DS young, he got kicked out from his parents house and was homeless for quite a few years ( I helped him tremendously during this period). He reckons that his done "all of this" for DS and doesn't want to give up everything for DS again . DS is very into football and he hasn't taken DS to his football classes or even kicked around with a ball in the park. His excuse is " I'm not into football". Well neither am I, but I take DS to his football classes, tournaments because it's his interests.
   

1. Makes me feel like shit. He came to an event, which DS was participating in. He told me that the receptionist flirted with him and said " I can't believe DS is your son, he's a very handsome boy" to which DS dad replied " Yes, he got it from me" and she said "Yes, I can see that". .
   

We were in the store with DS and he eyed up this woman and turned his head to stare at her. When we walked out from the shop. He then proclaimed that " he forgot to buy something". Which the real reason was so that he can check out this woman some more, as she was in the store. He tells me that I dress too posh and act like it too.

1. Wants to have sex too much. Honestly, if I officially moved in with him. He would want sex at least 3 times a day. As a result, I fear I may end up with loads of kids with little to no support.
   

All that being said. DS dad wants us to have another go for a relationship, but this time move in together. Sort of like.... I don't know if any of you watch Eastenders and seen the Lauren and Steven's story-line. But DS dad is like Steven, where he wants to settle down and like (Lauren) who isn't too sure.

What would you Mums netters do ? Should I forget what happened in the past ? Should I go for it ? Is it my fault, like DS dad had said, that the reason why the way things are is because of me?

In honesty. I think this is a bad idea. I'm 24, I really don't want to end up in this revolving cycle and not move on from DS dad till I'm about 50. But, I don't know what to do. Should we try again ? Should I accept his proposal ?

[Littlechocola]

Do the opposite of moving in. Move well away.

If your friend asked if she should move in with her abusive partner, what would you say?

[saoirse31]

Sorry, just saw ur post re ds and inc likelihood of mental health issues. Even more important that you don't move in with him then for your ds sake.

Concentrate on yourself, your ambitions, your life. You think your envious of ur friends now, wait till you're depending on your ds dad. Really think about it, you have a fantasy that you know is never coming true. You have no responsibility for ds dad, none. He's an adult , if a particularly useless one. You have a massive responsibility for your son. He really has no one else.

[cestlavielife]

No no no
Nothing to gain
If he can't prove himself ftom afar he won't when he is near
He just wants you to provide and care for him.
Stay clear.
Move on.
Set boundaries.
Facilitate contact with d's on your terms and what is best for ds

[Altwoo]

Oh good lord don’t let go of the past - remember it all. All of it. Let it remind you why you deserve so much better.

And so much of this is still current! No maintenance?! Oh darling, no.

[Nanny0gg]

Do you really want to show your DS that this is what a husband and father looks like?

[MiMi78]

Its not often I'm lost for words, but I read your OP with my mouth hanging open.
So you're going to walk into a situation which you know will damage you and your son, because your mates are all settling down.

I'll be honest OP, settling down isn't all it's cracked up to be. Check out the 'facilitated men' thread on Feminist chat. Relationships and marriage seem to benefit men much more than women. Although I can understand the pull to have a loving equal partnership. But you're not gonna get that with him.
Look at what you do have, a stable life, independence with your finances, you can make your own choices without passing it by anyone else, you've got no one sticking their beak in telling you how to parent your child, you have no man expecting to be pandered to and cared for.
In a few years your son will be looking to become more independent himself, so freeing you up even more to concentrate on yourself and what you want.
If it's a relationship your after, you sound like an intelligent woman, surely you can look elsewhere other than with him.
Just a warning if you are getting back with him, go into it with your eyes open that you may come under SS gaze again, and second time around, presenting with the same issues is never good news.
Protect yourself and your boy.

[dentalplanlisaneedsbraces]

For gods sake op. You stop having contact with him except where you're forced to and you meet someone decent. Don't subject your son to living with an abuser because some of your mates are getting married and having kids!

[Booie09]

To be honest i have re read your posts and other comments and given all that you are aware of are you seriously thinking of moving in with him!! Why is it so important to have what other people have got!! Sorry but when you become a parent you put your child first if you move him in you will be putting you first to be like your friends! Do you really want ss involved and your son going into care.

[Reflexella]

Hell no!

[colouringinagain]

Please, please do not get together with him, for your sake and the sake of your son.

[piginthemiddle]

Hello everyone,

I’m overwhelmed with the responses. Thank you so much. I neeeded to hear this, I genuinely thought I was at fault but clearly I’m not. I want my son to be the complete opposite of his dad, caring, mature, respectful..: nothing like his dad.

I don’t know how my life is going to turn out. But, I know for a fact that I would not be moving in with DS dad. Like another PP said, my “fantasy” will not come true with this boy... I will be depressed, anxious, walking on egg shells and worst of all my son will witness this. No, I will not put us through that again because the last few years were horrible.

Thank you Mumsnetters. You have really helped me. I think I know what I need to do. I’m going to reduce contact with DS dad and only restrict it when it comes to DS.... the minute he spins the whole lovey dovey crap, I will hang up the phone. I think I can do this, I just need to be strong and keep on moving forward, never back.

[AcrossthePond55]

Beautiful! You take a deep breath and step into your future.

One day at a time. Write a little paragraph of what you want for yourself and keep it in front of your eyes when he calls. If you feel wobbly, read it and you'll feel strong again.

[Runningwithscissors12]

You need help. The fact that you are even CONSIDERING ruining your life with this imbecile , ruining your child's life too - means for me, that you need help.

[Rainbowqueeen]

Good for you OP!

Keep contact to text or email only.

This guy obviously knows how to talk and say the right things but just remember his actions show you who he really is

[Rainbowqueeen]

Good for you OP!

Keep contact to text or email only.

This guy obviously knows how to talk and say the right things but just remember his actions show you who he really is

[pullingmyhairout1]

Always here op. One day at a time. You can do this.

[FreshStartToday]

Yes, keep posting here, OP. Keep talking about this. If he's turning on the lovey dovey talk then he is still fitting in with the abusers typical profile. Abusers have to be very charming, very persuasive, otherwise no-one would ever get into a relationship with them, and keep going back, to be abused.

You will have a tough year or two, and maybe question yourself, if all of your friends are settling down (but you will have lots of nice wedding parties too, to maybe meet someone more on your wavelength??) However, don't assume that it will be a bed of roses for your friends.. I made the mistake of going though a bad patch in my own relationship when we had our first child. Many friends had husbands who seemed much more hands on with their kids than mine was, and who seemed to have homelife perfectly sorted. It was only when the friend who seemed to have the most perfect husband turned up with her kids in a hostel covered from head to foot in bruises that it dawned on me that it's never good to compare yourself to what you think other people have got.

You have pushed yourself and got a degree. Now concentrate on building yourself up, and growing in new and different ways - good friends, good hobbies, time for your ds to follow his football interests, time for you to do the Freedom Programme.

Best of luck

[ISpeakJive]

Well done, OP. Whenever you feel you’re having a wobble or you’re starting to doubt yourself, POST HERE! The wise Mumsnetters will give it to you straight!

Good luck.

[TheWorldIsMyCakePop]

Great to hear your update. I agree that you should stick to text or email. This gives you time to read, process and respond and take emotions out. It also means you can ignore any bits not about your DS.

Why not send a message to say you're not moving in, can we keep communication to DS and in writing. Then you can start 2018 with a new fresh outlook and set about building a life without him weighing you down.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Crikey don't ask him - tell him.
WE WILL now keep communication.... blah blah blah.
Well done.

[LJ25]

OP, I just want to let you know you already are a kick ass mom. Your doing amazing

[Stpancras]

Such a good choice OP! Be brave and stay strong x

[NotAChristmasCakePop]

How are you doing @piginthemiddle ?

[DasPepe]

Think about it this way. This man is getting in the way of you meeting someone great!

Unless you get some space and free yourself a bit and relax- you are just looking back. The idea of a family with this man is what should have/could have been. But that's in the past. You don't owe him happiness

[PushingThru]

It's the other way around: your logical head is telling you to cobble together an 'on paper' nuclear family. Your heart is telling you no, fly free x