Is it my fault ? Should I move in with him ? Or end it once and for all ?

[piginthemiddle]

Need some things put into perspective Mumsnetters.

My DS dad really wants us to move in together. We are both 24. He wants us to settle down officially and make a go of it, to move on from the past, let go and look forward to the future. Sounds great ? My heart is telling me to go for it, give DS dad a proper chance to be a dad...be family and him taking a part, fully, in DS care. However, my head is telling me, no, that I might as well give up on life. He also mentioned to me that it's my fault that things are the way they now are...not living together, being stuck in the past. He even asked me "What good did you get from staying at your Aunty's house". I replied to him that "I got a degree ". Something I wouldn't achieve if I lived with him.

These are my reason why I'm cautious to make a go of things and "let go".

1. DS dad and I got together in our early teens, not long after that DS was born. He was highly abusive, in every aspect. You name it, sexually, physically, emotionally. Social services were in and out of mine and, my then, young son's life. He asked me to move with him then but I couldn't. He was abusive, I knew I would make a huge mistake in living him. I also didn't want DS to grow up in that abusive environment. Thankfully, he is not like this anymore, social services were happy with the supervised visits, his allowed to see DS unsupervised and SS are no longer involved.
   

1. He smokes weed. I know a few Mumsnetters on here who have no issues with weed. But DS dad smokes it too much. When we used to stay over at DS's dad in the past. I use to hate waking up in the morning to smell that foul weed smoke. I also don't want DS to be brought up in a house where he can smell or see his dad smoking a spliff.
   

1. His not a "man" or a "father". I can't picture him when DS reaches his teenage years and giving him mature/ adult advice. Plus, his a bit childish... a minor example...DS really wants a Nintendo DS for Christmas, DS dad said he "will get him a PS4", I told him " Well DS wants other things for Christmas, he doesn't want a PS4". DS dad replied "Well..he will once I buy it for him". Can you see ? DS dad doesn't think about DS wants. He only wants to get PS4 for DS (which I highly doubt he will get anyway) as it's something he would want to buy for himself (even though he has one). ifyswim.
   

1. We don't live together. But he doesn't support DS at all. Not financially, emotionally, doesn't see DS unless for special occasions..e.g. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, School plays. He now has his own place..2 hours away, he tells me "DS can't stay over yet as he still has to sort out his house". DS has only stayed over there once. Makes many excuses not to support his child, such as "is on benefits and has bills to pay "...he's now working but again using the same excuse " I have bills to pay, when you live by yourself then you would know what I'm talking about". Due to us having DS young, he got kicked out from his parents house and was homeless for quite a few years ( I helped him tremendously during this period). He reckons that his done "all of this" for DS and doesn't want to give up everything for DS again . DS is very into football and he hasn't taken DS to his football classes or even kicked around with a ball in the park. His excuse is " I'm not into football". Well neither am I, but I take DS to his football classes, tournaments because it's his interests.
   

1. Makes me feel like shit. He came to an event, which DS was participating in. He told me that the receptionist flirted with him and said " I can't believe DS is your son, he's a very handsome boy" to which DS dad replied " Yes, he got it from me" and she said "Yes, I can see that". .
   

We were in the store with DS and he eyed up this woman and turned his head to stare at her. When we walked out from the shop. He then proclaimed that " he forgot to buy something". Which the real reason was so that he can check out this woman some more, as she was in the store. He tells me that I dress too posh and act like it too.

1. Wants to have sex too much. Honestly, if I officially moved in with him. He would want sex at least 3 times a day. As a result, I fear I may end up with loads of kids with little to no support.
   

All that being said. DS dad wants us to have another go for a relationship, but this time move in together. Sort of like.... I don't know if any of you watch Eastenders and seen the Lauren and Steven's story-line. But DS dad is like Steven, where he wants to settle down and like (Lauren) who isn't too sure.

What would you Mums netters do ? Should I forget what happened in the past ? Should I go for it ? Is it my fault, like DS dad had said, that the reason why the way things are is because of me?

In honesty. I think this is a bad idea. I'm 24, I really don't want to end up in this revolving cycle and not move on from DS dad till I'm about 50. But, I don't know what to do. Should we try again ? Should I accept his proposal ?

[harrietm87]

Don't do it OP. He sounds awful. If he wants to be a better dad he can (a) pay child support and (b) spend time with his son. If he's not willing to do these things why in hell would you give him a chance?! It sounds like you've been an amazing mum so far, don't ruin it now by making this terrible mistake.

[differentnameforthis]

I got to point #1. Will read the rest, but for now...

RUN LIKE THE FUCKING WIND!!!

[differentnameforthis]

Has he had anger management/counselling for his sexual & physical violence?

because if not, he is only not sexually and physically violent for now "anymore" because he is trying to "woo" you back. Believe me, once you live with him, he WILL start it all over again.

[noodlesandtomatoes]

You know the answer. You don't need anyone else to tell you. Do the best thing for you and your son. You can do it kid! X

[Allthetuppences]

I'm confused as to why you would spend anytime with this man at all? He can do the visits as agreed with social services. You can contact regarding dc but you've said this man makes no financial contribution to his son nor can he manage his own life on his own. Why on earth would anyone entertain the notion of sharing their living space?

[NotMyMonkees]

I think in this case letting go of the past would be to not let it ruin/dictate your future relationships with other men - e.g. Not either allow the same behaviour because it's what you know, or avoid all future relationships for fear they will be abusive. It absolutely doesn't mean getting back together with someone who treats you badly.

[FrancesHaHa]

There's an expression that the biggest predictor of the future is the past. That's not to say people can't change but he has shown no signs that he has or intends to.

You've said you want to give him the opportunity to be a parent. Well he already has that opportunity but he's choosing not to take it. It sounds as though he's not even that good at being 'fun dad' I doubt he's going to do the day to day stuff. Also raising a teenage boy is going to be a hell of a lot more difficult if he's seeing his dad being abusive to his mum. I wouldn't discount the fact that social services will be back involved at some point if you move in together either.

Please don't give up what you've worked so hard for.

[Anniegetyourgun]

The posters on MN who are cool with weed (bar, perhaps, the occasional infrequent visitor) are not cool with smoking it daily or with allowing it anywhere near children.

As for past abuse, ok, he was only a child himself then and has learned how to behave better since, but it doesn't sound as though his attitude has improved. He isn't looking forward to finally giving you the support he never previously gave - learning not to be so abusive so SS don't remove your child is not quite what most of us would consider "supportive", although I suppose it's a step in the right direction . He is blaming you for failing to make him a better person, instead of thanking you for what you've done so far (looking after his child with fuck-all input from him, supporting him when he was homeless, encouraging him to stop being a tearaway idiot).

What he's after is a live-in mum and housekeeper, hopefully one who will also earn a decent whack so he doesn't have to, and a ready-made son he regards as a little clone of himself rather than a human being with needs and preferences of his own. It's all about what he wants rather than what is good for you and DS. Do not be guilt tripped into this. Some people are fathers because they want to be, because they like children and will care for and about them, and actually do. Others are fathers because they couldn't be arsed to use a condom. Which one is DS's dad? Can he really make the transition from Type B to Type A, just by the magical expediency of you moving in under his roof? Is your magic wand really that powerful, or will he continue to blame you for not waving it hard enough? Think long and carefully. And then say no!

[Anatidae]

Look, moving on and letting go of the past is you moving forward to a relationship with someone decent. It’s stuff like ‘yeah I used to party a lot and stay out all night as a teen but I’ve really grown up and I’m a committed parent.’ It is NOT stuff like violence and abuse and rape.

Men who do that NEVER change. Not only do they not change, they escalate.

Do not move in with him . do not engage with him in any way at all.

Look, there are 3.2 billion men on the planet. There’s absolutely no reason to stick with a shit one, there are literally billions more fish in the sea.

Protect yourself, protect your child, don’t touch this arsehole with a barge pole.

[Startingoveragain26]

I can tell you right now, social service will be involved in your life again if you move in with him. Your son will go to school stinking of weed, the school will notice and inform social services.

Your son will see him smoking weed and think it’s okay for him to smoke it when he is older.

I cannot believe you are thinking of moving in with this guy, seriously your not thinking straight.

[Sparkletastic]

Don't worry about letting go of the past. Focus instead on learning from your mistakes.

[LuxuryWoman2017]

You'd be mad to even consider it, run away don't willingly walk into hell and don't inflict it on your child.

[Twinkie1]

Jesus woman, just one of the examples you've given would be a good enough reason to end the relationship let alone not move him with him.

Draw a line and get in with finding someone who would bring something to a relationship for you and your DS

[rollingonariver]

Oh Gosh op, I don't know how he's convinced you there's anyway you're in the wrong here?
Moving in with him won't help him become a father, he should prove he is a father and then you move in with him. You've not taken any chances to be a father away from him, lots of fathers live away and contribute financially and emotionally? Why is this man different?
He's a narcissist, he thinks he's given up so much to 'support' your son - which to him is doing the fuck all he does now - if you and your son live with him you'll feel like burdens even though you'll be the one doing everything.
He wants to be able to blame him being a shit father on you. 'You' didn't help him be a father, he wanted to blah blah blah. Actually, he just wasn't a good father.
The abuse is another massive thing. He will not get better. Abusive men stop being abusive for a while and then it starts again, he actually hasn't stopped he's still being emotionally manipulative to you, you just don't see it. You don't need to 'let go of the past' you need to remember what he did to you and what he will do again if you let him/ continue letting him. If he has another gf how much do you want to bet he abuses her too? Is he the kind of man you want your Ds to be when he grows up? No? Then why would you force your Ds to live with him?
Also, the thing of his house not being ready is 100% because he doesn't want to do any parenting on his own. That will be exactly the same if you move in with him except he'll be moaning to you that he's not getting enough sex and 'his' house isn't clean enough. Your life will be miserable. Don't think 'oh I'll try it for a little bit' either because he sounds like he'll drag you in and you'll be stuck in the cycle of abuse.
He wants a live in fuck buddy. That's all.

[Hernameisdeborah]

The title of your post gave the answer - if you have any doubts about moving in together the answer is no. Your post is terrifying . Get away from him, stay away. He will abuse you and your son if you move in together.. He has had ample opportunity to be a dad already and shown himself to be incapable of it, why do you think he will change? Trust your instincts here.

[NotSureThisIsWhatIWant]

I know you mention that some Mumsnet era do not see any problem with weed. But this is not organic tobacco. I know some people who use it and to be honest, they are far from being ideal parents and NONE of them smoke it while the child is in the house.

You are not providing normality, you are putting your child at risk. Do you think he is going to become a better parent by having his child around? He is only going to exasperated at the constant demands and limitations that having a child around brings.

[ivenoideawhatimdoing]

OP, the best advice I can give you is take your child and run.

This man will destroy you.

[Lweji]

I really think you should let go of the past and move on.

As in, he's your past, let go of him and move on to a happier life alone or with someone who loves you and respects you and can become a father to your child.

He's had his chance and he blew it. He's still not stepping up, which means he's the same.

Distance yourself from him. Cut all contact apart from handovers, and even so, you can arrange them so that contact is minimal.

Move on.

[Anatidae]

Don't worry about letting go of the past. Focus instead on learning from your mistakes

This. A million times this. Successful people (and I don’t mean just successful as in millionaire businesswomen) I mean people who have got their shit together do this.

We all do stuff we regret. Some of us have shit upbringings. But the ones who learn from it do a million times better than the ones who don’t. Learning from your mistakes is so so important. The freedom program will help with this, because it will show you, ‘ right you were in this situation. This bad stuff happened. Here’s how to recognise that situation again and get out of it.’

When I say your mistakes I’m not blaming you - I’m meaning stuff that happened.

Learn from it. Your life be be infinitely happier. Right now you’re at a crossroads. You take him back, I’m sure he will be lovely for a while. Then it’ll all happen again. Violence. Abuse. Your kid will stink of weed. School WILL notice and WILL report. Your child will be anxious and fearful. They will see all this. It will affect the rest of their lives. He will not get a job. He will not contribute. You will be carrying him.

Or the other option. You tell him no. You move on. You live a safe life and your child grows up in a safe environment. You do the freedom program. You understand patterns of behaviour. Maybe you meet someone nice and maybe you’re single for a while, either is ok.

[Jammydodger81]

Do not move in on with him. End it permanently. Your instincts are telling you what to do, listen to them!

He smokes weed, yet can’t afford to pay anything for his son? Without all the other things that would be enough right there. Yours and your sons clothes will stink of weed all the time. Lovely. SS will be back on your case so fast.

He is still abusive. The PS4 is a great example of this. It isn’t what his son wants, it’s what he wants. He’s been told it’s not what he wants but he doesn’t care, does he? His feelings are more important than his son’s, even about his own Christmas present.
The Receptionist stuff is probably bollocks designed to make you feel bad. Same with the criticism of your clothes, ‘dressing too posh’. He’s trying to crush your self esteem and get you believing you won’t find anyone else and that he’s such a catch. The truth is actually the other way round. Stable, lovely, educated woman versus druggie, abusive loser who can’t afford/doesn’t want to pay for his kid.

I agree with pps who say that he has had the opportunity to show you he’s changed but he’s not taking it. He’s not stepping up with his son when he could easily put a bit more effort in.

Treat your post as a pros and cons list. You’ve already listed plenty of cons, and the only pro is he MIGHT be a decent father, despite all the evidence to the contrary. He won’t. He has the chance now when he’s on his best behaviour to win you back and he can’t come to football or get your son what he wants. He can’t quit the weed and give you that money. I’m a firm believer in actions speak louder than words. His are screaming at you that he has not changed.

[piginthemiddle]

Sorry for the delay in replying, just seen the messages.

...he regards as a little clone of himself rather than a human being with needs and preferences of his own

This is so true and what I’ve been saying to DS dad for many years.

In the past, when we used to sleep over at DS dad’s house and he was very helpful with DS. I don’t know, a part of me thinks if we moved in with him, this will him feel more part of family life.

What about my friends who are moving on with their lives. Having more children, settling down. I just feel like I’m in the cross roads.

Plus, DS has certain difficulties which will make him more likely to develop mental health difficulties. How can I cope with that on my own ? (sad).

I just don’t know what to do.

[Angryangryyoungwoman]

Why would you want to live with him? He sounds awful

[MorrisZapp]

You do know what to do. You just don't want to do it.

[Killerfiller]

Why don't you call social services and based upon their previous assessments and everything you have told us here ask if they think it's a good idea ?

[sonjadog]

Who has told you you need to let go of the past? Is it him, the man who is desperate for you to forget the shitty things he has done? In which case, he is not exactly giving you a neutral opinion...

You don't forget your past, you learnt he lessons and take them into your future life. Look at who this man is now - he makes you feel bad about yourself, he takes drugs, he makes excuses not to pay for his son, he doesn't follow him up like a father should, he demands sex that you don't want. What is it about the man he is now that is making you think that you should give it a go with him? I can't see anything there at all that would make it seem like a good idea.

I think you should move on from your past by putting all ideas of a romantic relationship with this man aside and starting to build your life elsewhere. I can understand that when you see your friends settling down you think that you would like that too. But your options are not this man or nothing. There are other men out there. Good men who will treat you well.