Sibling help?

[greenhairybottle]

How much do you expect your siblings to support you through life's ups and downs?
We have just been attacked by dh's sisters and we are floored, we had no clue we were apparently so awful - we have genuinely tried our best to help but every gesture has been viewed as selfish, we are really hurt - dh especially, our parenting has been attacked, our diet- despite us cooking for ourselves! our approach to life.....we don't want to walk away but it's not looking good at the moment.

Can you give more detail without outing?

What do you want to know?

I've name changed to avoid being outed but the situation is pretty unique.

My only sibling, J, totally blanks her family (DPs, cousins, aunts & uncles) and has done for 10+ years. She had a rant at DPs about awful childhood (normal 70s & 80s, happy & stable, dull if anything!) then NC'd.
So don't expect anything.
That said, they seem irrational & cruel to you & DH; they've obviously discusses something & exaggerated it and blamed you for all the worlds ills. If you know you're right, try to ignore their bitchiness & continue with your own lovely family and friends, ignoring them

We have tried, really we have - we are not perfect, we'd have been open to doing more to support if asked but instead we have been criticised for not being like local people and not satisfied, too ambitious, dh has been called an ambitious shit and while he is ambitious, a shit he is not!
I'm struggling, I feel betrayed, they are dh's siblings and they are annoyed that he has shown me their texts but we share everything. No one agrees with everything that siblings do, we all have our own life to live.

TBH I’d just tell them to sod off. If they’re just going to have a go at you for no good reason then you don’t have to listen to them.

DH's siblings had a lot of financial support from him before he married me as to be honest it was a too much. One sibling owes him £2k from about 10 years ago and another owes him £500 which he'll never see. Amusingly one of his siblings on their third child rang him to tell him that they were having a baby and he was going to help them out. He replied well you've got a partner and I'm expecting my own baby soon. It's hard their lives aren't great but I haven't got a magic wand to solve their problems or a pot full of cash either. We're very careful with the small amount that we have that may give the impression to others that we are richer than we think rather than extremely frugal.

greenhairybottle
What do your DH's siblings mean by 'not being like local people and not satisfied and too ambitious'? Did you move to their area from elsewhere? Did you grow up in a different part of the country?

What are they referring to when they call your DH too ambitious? Ambitious in his career or in life? Are DH's sisters 'ambitious'?
Do DH's sisters expect financial or emotional support from you?

I guess there's a massive back story here.

What has set them off? What ups and downs are happening that they are attickig you for?

I don't particularly expect them to support me through life's ups and downs. I would go to my H and my friends first for that.

But I wouldn't expect them to criticise me so vehemently to my face either.

My siblings are all different to me, have different ambitions and lifestyles and attitudes. We sometimes grumble about each other to our spouses and friends and there have been the occasional snippy exchanges at family gatherings but nothing like what you describe.

What's the issue about doing more to support if asked? Support who? Parents or siblings? Why do they need support?

If your H has elderly parents and his siblings are supporting them but you aren't, then they might have a point. I understand if you don't want to disclose the detail, but have a think, might they have an underlying genuine grievance, even though their way of expressing it has been over the top and throwing in every unreasonable annoyance they've been suppressing for years?

Sorry - duplicated posts. Have reported.

Dh moved away to go to University, he is a very hard worker,always has been, they didn’t go to university and they live s different lifestyle - we have very little in common but I never thought that really mattered so much with siblings. I suspect the event that has set them off is the end of their marriages....we have tried to be supportive, done all the usual things -texting, calls etc but it’s not enough! Of course there’s a back story, in every long term family relationship there are things are are said and done by everyone. We are not angels I’m sure - our record is no doubt blemished by misdeeds - we had no idea by how much - what was started by them as a list of shit we were crap at turned into a desperate plea for help and we still don’t how we can help - we have asked, they seem unable to meet us half way - it’s all our fault, and after what I have heard from them I don’t feel inclined to lend my support.

HeddaGarbled we visit more often and stay with dh’s mum - we shop, cook and look after her. I more often than not end up sitting with her for hours chatting - I like her and enjoy her company, we can’t look after her more we live too far away and she refuses to travel. It’s about his siblings not his mother.

Might try and speak to Fil (divorced) and see if he understands what’s going on - although he usually doesn’t talk much!

Ah, in that case, I think you should back off, at least temporarily. I wouldn't bother talking to your FIL.

To some extent, this is your H's problem rather than yours, though I understand why you are involved. I would let them sort it out between them now.

The relationship will probably never be the same again, though you may reach a place or mutual tolerance and courtesy after many years of better behaviour from them.

greenhairybottle
Sorry that your SILs' marriages have ended. It must be hard for all concerned. Are your SILs expecting some kind of financial support from you and your DH? Or is it emotional support and/or practical help they'd like from you?

You mention texts and calls. How often do you see them face to face? Have you or DH suggested meeting up with them for coffee and a chat?

And what's with the accusations of being 'ambitious'? Do they refer to DH's job/career? And their criticism to your approach to life and your diet .That has nothing to do with their marriages collapsing though.

Could it be that your DH was - at least from their point of view - the favoured child in the family?
Also, how does your MIL respond to all of this?

When you say they, are we talking two sisters? I am just wondering what exactly they have expected in the way of support from your dh? Are you both wealthy? Is this about money? Or is this jealousy that he is in a secure and loving relationship when they are now divorced and unhappy? Is your dh just a convenient target for their misery?

Are your MIL and FIL still living? Is BIL older than them? I am wondering if perhaps they expect your DH to be their Father figure and sweep in to rescue them when they are in need. It certainly sounds like at some point their relationship has become fractured. I can pinpoint the date it happened with my younger brother although I think that was merely when I realised that my brother actively disliked me/hated me.

Can your brother write a letter, explaining things from his point of view and asking what on earth they wanted/ want from him? Simply blaming it on his having ambitions and leaving their hometown to go to University isn't enough. Certainly not for the venom they appear to have for him! He has a right to live his life any way he wishes!

Sorry I cross-posted and missed that MIL and FIL are divorced. Is this recent, or did your dh grow up being the 'man of the house' in a way? I am getting the feeling they expected your dh to behave like a protective father, taking them under his wing and helping them financially. How is their relationship with your FIL? Is MIL a narcissist to whom your dh was the 'golden child' and his sister's scapegoats? Did they have an abusive childhood?

Very interesting replies. Won't involve FIL - he take a back seat on all these things. Mil pretty normal old lady. It feels like sil has just read a book on family relationships, she was advised by the book to not hold back and she's an excellent student, it has all come tumbling out in a mass of dizzying confusion - stuff from years ago has been given the same weight as recent events. But if you are going to rake up shit from years ago and throw around wild accusations, you need to be prepared for the fall out, people have a different view on events, will defend their choices and generally do not give way way to unguarded criticism -maybe she didn't get to that chapter in the book . Dh is so upset and he has tried to calm things down but things seem to have worsened. I am beginning to think sil is really not very well, maybe that extends to both of them - it does seem we are to blame for everything going wrong in her life.

@greenhairybottle
But if you are going to rake up shit from years ago and throw around wild accusations, you need to be prepared for the fall out, people have a different view on events, will defend their choices and generally do not give way way to unguarded criticism

Usually when people rake up 'shit' from years ago it means that certain issues haven't been resolved properly.
Did your DH and his sisters have a huge disagreement in the past and maybe this was never resolved? Was there any ongoing sibling rivalry when they were growing up? Or were his sisters spoilt brats and they're now bitter and sad about their own lives and jealous of yours?

No there was no massive unpleasantness in the distant past - the past being raked up is more from we've all had kids. Don't think his sisters were spoiled.
I think they had expectations about family involvement that we have not fully understood - we are quite independent - we rely on no one for help, my family are very independent to, we live very separate lives, rarely keep in touch unless there has been a parental crisis.
The problem is the manner in which she has expressed her disappointment in our involvement and her request for help has been very bruising (understatement). I feel our relationship, that I stupidly thought was genuine, really wasn't. She has criticised every aspect of our lives - things that have no bearing on her. I know she is hurting but I no longer have the desire to help or support, I am not a punch bag - I don't trust her friendship anymore, I can't see how to change this.

@greenhairybottle
I think they had expectations about family involvement that we have not fully understood - we are quite independent - we rely on no one for help, my family are very independent to, we live very separate lives, rarely keep in touch unless there has been a parental crisis.

It sounds like your SILs have massively overreacted. However, based the information you have given so far, I think (and this is just a presumption so please forgive me if I got this wrong!) I recognise the feelings ...

Just like you my family rarely keep in touch except on special occasions such as weddings or funerals or when there is a family crisis. Years ago when my parent was ill and struggling and I lived far away I had assumed that my close relatives (who all lived within a 5 to 7-minute drive from my parent) would at least pop on a regular basis in to check if my parent was OK. They did not.
I did my best to drive over to see my parent and help out and clean the house and do the laundry, do the food shopping, drive to the hospital, the doctor, the chemist and run errands and do whatever was needed when I was able to (despite living 5 to 6 hours away) but most of my relatives didn't even bother to go and see my parent or pick up the phone for a chat even if they lived just around the corner.
I remember feeling very frustrated, angry, disappointed and sad at the time. They were all aware of my parent's situation.

I agree with your feeling that your sil is not well. This definitely sounds like a case of lashing out and making your dh the scapegoat/ enemy, who is to blame for everything that's wrong in her life. I suspect that deep down your sil realises that she is the orchestrator of her own misery! Rather than admit that she is responsible for her own issues, it is much easier to choose a target and blame everything on them (in this case your dh and yourself).

I would back away, your sil has chosen to behave this way! She has lashed out and been cruel deliberately. If I was your dh, I would perhaps write a letter/ send a Christmas card saying something along the lines of

'I am very sorry that you feel that I have been lacking in my role as your brother. I was very surprised by the depth of your anger and venom. I only wish you had addressed this with me earlier, instead of allowing your hurt and anger grow to the point of lashing out at myself and my wife.

I(we) don't agree with your interpretation of events, and we have never wished you any harm. As adults we all have the right to live our lives the way we choose, I am proud of my achievements and the life I have built with my wife and our children. I will not stand by and allow you to run my wife and the life we have built down. You have absolutely no right to do that!

I hope that you can find support to help you deal with what sounds like a lot of negative emotions. Until that point, I don't think it is wise for us to have contact. As your brother, I will, of course, be here if you need me. If your feelings change and you wish to apologise and repair our relationship, then we will be here when you are ready. Until then, I wish you and your family well and I hope that you will have a lovely Christmas. Much love dh and greenhairybottle