Lack of intimacy, constantly sniping

[ThisisaNC]

Been together 20 years. Two grown-up kids, one living at home.

We've not been intimate for a number of years including hugging, kissing, cuddling. Disability has become more prevalent this past five or so years, one of us is bedbound. We may say "I love you" occasionally sometime but feels empty on both sides.

We snipe at each other pretty much daily.

I doubt either of us feels able of leaving though; fears of how both children would be affected, especially the one living at home; lack of financial resource; the bedbound persons lack of mobility; one of us has a life-threatening condition that would potentially cause death within a few days non-attention.

We are both fucked, aren't we?

Aren't marriage vows in sickness and in health?

You should talk to each other, partner who's bed bound must feel so frustrated with their condition could contribute to alot of snipes

TBH forget about the dcs. They are adults and they will survive. Serioulsy, you separating will not have the same effect on them than I’d they were still 5yo.

Re the relationhsip, it looks like the love has just gone. Add on the top of thAt a very challenging situation, one person bedbound, the other (??) With a life threatening illness.
I thin’ you need a very frank discussion on your situation.
It might be that staying together is the best thing you can do BUT you will need to change things to make it acceptable to both of you.
It might be that separating would be the best butbthen you will bith need to see how best to handle the financial side of things.

Would it be possible for both of yu to have some counselling together to review ossicle solutions/organisation?

We aren't married. It's something we've "never gotten around to".

Also. Might have to get this post deleted at some point, but one of us wants more kids, biological clock is soon ending it's ticking in a handful of years or so, and has for a number of years. Other has, and is, been non-committal for same time. One is medically sterile, reversible with surgery. Or maybe IVF.

Don't really want a debate regarding children given our perceived ages given my posting.

We are both fucked, aren't we?

In what respect? If you mean getting your love life back on track then providing you both want to, it can be done, although it might take a rather different form to when one of you was more mobile/healthy.

But it doesn't really sound as though you want that anyway. I am not entirely sure what it is you are asking or saying here.

Don't really want a debate regarding children given our perceived ages given my posting.

Why mention it then?

You don't sound like you can afford IVF, or like you'd be eligible for it. Or like it's a great environment for bringing another child into.

I'm saying, even if we wanted to split we cannot due to one being bedbound with lack of mobility, or others life-threatening condition. (?)

That's the issue with another child, yes. We'd likely qualify due to extenuating circumstances.

Would you? What extenuating circumstances would they be then?

Oh stop with 'one' and just say who's in what position! Are you saying the person who is bedbound wants another baby or is that the other one who wants that?

How can you qualify for IVF if one of you is going to die without attention for a few days?

And if your children are adult, don't you think you've both gone past the point of having more children? It's normal to have a hormonal surge prior to menopause which makes you want more children; it doesn't mean you have to act on it.

sounds like a hell to bring another child into.

The extenuating circumstances would clearly identify me. We've checked and gone into it, we would qualify.

The person who is bedbound wants another child. The other when asked hasn't said 'no' but is less committed due to the need of surgery, and our circs. It would be non-bedbound in primary care if another child. It's suggested a child would improve bedbounds MH, (indirectly other persons MH too).

You can't have a baby to improve someone's mental health! You have two children already! Focus on them instead.

You, presumably are the bedbound person. Why would you want someone who isn't all for it to take primary care of the child?

I can't really imagine a relationship less suited to having another child to be honest.

Another child? - surely not?

Another child will NOT improve MH.
A child is hard work and has the very strong ‘tendency’ to put strain in relationships, let alone when you have added issues such as yours.

Bringing a child into the world in those circumstances basically means that the person who is not bed bound will be a single parent to two(??) children and a severely disabled person.
It will be a hell of lot of strain. Let alone of you are already snippy at each other.

Btw also worth remembering that having a child never solves relationships issues even when there are so other factors involved.

Other question is, will it be the person who is bed bound that will carry the child?
What will be the effect of the pg into that person? The strain from the body having to work overtime etc... (I’m assuming s9mwth8ng like MEis keeping the person bed bound there maybe??)

This would be a horrific environment to bring a child into! The reasons for doing so seem utterly selfish.
I’m sorry you are in such a poor situation but I think you really need to give up on the idea of another child.

The other children are adults.

And sigh this is what I expected about another child. I don't see it as mean or anything, it's actually great to get neutral persons anonymised thoughts.

Any thoughts about how to improve the relationship, make it survive, improve intimacy? 20 years of stress and shit has clearly taken its toll looking at things dispassionately.

Thank you for everyone's posts.

Also the insight of some people here is truly amazing..

Is the life threatening illness diabetes 1? You could potentially die after a few days non attention. Or live to a good age looking after yourself.

There are so many more pressing and important things to address before debating having another child. Have you both had counselling- I am in a similar position although not bedbound. You have to make time for the another person, can you get out at all If carers are arranged? It's not your eye is it? It's the fact your relationship changes to accommodate your illness...

Yes, insightfulness here is quite incredible.

Surely not type 1?

Sniping and lack of intimacy often go hand in hand. Even if it wasn't full sex, why are you not being caring, kissing, oral sex?
Thinking of each other? And showing care and consideration generally?

Really cannot place why or where the intimacy deteriorated and sniping increased.

We had a very active sex life with full intimacy including kissing, hugs, cuddling, oral. Affection in public too, not caring if others saw.

Maybe the lack of care and consideration occurred with the bedbound disability.

Yes, life-threatening condition is highly unstable T1 diabetes with numerous very severe full fit hypoglycaemic seizures/comas.

I can't really think of a situation less appropriate to bring a child into- I find it breathtakingly selfish, if I'm honest. Your priority needs to be to address the issues within your relationship, not to cheer yourself up and distract yourself with a sticking-plaster baby. Very unfair all round, really.