Lack of intimacy, constantly sniping

[ThisisaNC]

Been together 20 years. Two grown-up kids, one living at home.

We've not been intimate for a number of years including hugging, kissing, cuddling. Disability has become more prevalent this past five or so years, one of us is bedbound. We may say "I love you" occasionally sometime but feels empty on both sides.

We snipe at each other pretty much daily.

I doubt either of us feels able of leaving though; fears of how both children would be affected, especially the one living at home; lack of financial resource; the bedbound persons lack of mobility; one of us has a life-threatening condition that would potentially cause death within a few days non-attention.

We are both fucked, aren't we?

That's rather powerful @BitOfFun

May I ask, as the bedbound person, should I grow old staring at a tablet and four walls, only getting out to appointments, fuck all finances and never any "treats"?. Although you're all right, bringing a baby into this environ wouldn't be wise.

Is the bed bound person different from the one with the life threatening condition?

I can't think of a single reason why having another child would be a good idea.

Despite what you said @AstridWhite yes we would. Whilst it wouldn't be wise, yes we absolutely deserve it due to the extenuating circumstances I won't detail, and have it in writing from both a senior consultant AND the local health authority.

Saying we don't deserve it is going a bit far, as is some other aspects of your post tbh.

Bedbound and life-threatening condition are with different people, yes.

should I grow old staring at a tablet and four walls, only getting out to appointments, fuck all finances and never any "treats"?

A baby isn't a fucking treat to stop you from being bored in bed.

Christ.

You have two living children?

Then you don't deserve it.

And that's before you take into account all the other reasons it would be a very very bad idea indeed.

Don’t want to be harsh OP but you can’t expect people to give you a rounded opinion on your life if you don’t actually give any detail!

Jesus, don't bring a child into this situation. It would be horribly unfair. You have two adult DC already - focus on them instead.

A child is not a "treat" - they are a living, breathing human with feelings, needs and wants. If you're resentful that you're bed-bound (understandable) then you need to see what you can do to achieve that. You seem to be very "with it" mentally so surely you can find something to stimulate yourself? Online courses, books, documentary series, puzzle books?

Does your partner spend time with you, or do you mostly lead separate lives? Are you hoping having a baby might force you to spend more time together again?

I wasn't referring to a child as a treat ffs.

Tryso, I've given lots of detail ?

Get a dog op

Ok so one of you has type 1 and you are bed bound for reasons unknown without treats and lack of finances.
Are you there for good for until surgery etc? Is this something you can do something about?
I have found it hard to remain positive and sometimes it has put extreme pressure on our relationship but how I am about it has a huge effect.... and on my children.
Introducing a small person to this would be catastrophic..... you know this though.

No, surgery won't "fix me", although I have early onset rheumatoid arthritis so surgery might relieve some pain, but having been bedbound some eight years (and wheelchair), it's been psychologically extremely difficult watching the kids etc, not being able to be active with OH, and generally live life. Friends gradually disappeared - not interested in someone disabled... so my friends are kids, OH, four walls and a tablet.

Online courses are a good call potentially, I have three degrees with OU from when I was active and in career, so could maybe look at them, although levels of pain and sleeping would need to be evaluated prior to sign up.

I have M.G ; M.E; PCS; Fibromyalgia; Central Sensitisation (Pain) Syndrome; Early onset Rheumatoid Arthritis; and some others...

A cat would be perfect. Cats just want to snuggle on beds. An ideal companion to someone who is bedbound plus stroking cats is very therapeutic.
Not a dog, dogs need walking.
Not even entertaining the baby thing tbh

Honestly you need to get up more. Even if it's in your chair. And get out....
Can you see the pain team etc? Specialist nursing? Get carers in? Change the dynamic of your relationship away from a caring role.

Excuse me? Do you even realise the impact of all these conditions?

I wish I could get up more. I've seen numerous professional teams; all they can offer is pain meds and the prognosis of surgery if the rheumatoid arthritis gets worse.

Think I've realised now baby is not a good idea...

Honestly you need to get up more. Even if it's in your chair. And get out....

Oh come on, really?

OP, I sympathise. A good friend of mine is mostly wheelchair-bound (not bedbound yet, though she has bad days) with similar conditions to you, and I know she finds just getting through the day utterly exhausting. She often falls asleep mid-sentence and finds it a struggle to even drink a cup of tea sometimes. I know full-well it's not as easy as "getting up and about more" like a PP liked to suggest!

I totally get it must be awful stuck in bed all day - I second a PP's suggestion of a cat. Lots of rescues will have cats that have to kept indoors for various reasons, so you could consider adopting one? They don't take a lot of work and your OH could feed/do the litter trays - mine only take up about 10 minutes of my time/day (work-wise).

If online courses are too much, you can do online study in your own time, with no specific deadline. Lots of them are free to do as well.

You have all these illnesses and think having a baby will be beneficial to you? What about the child?! How could you look after them? Very selfish imo.

R.A isn’t categorised as early onset, as there’s no average age of onset against which to measure this as being ‘early’.

However, OA (osteoarthritis) can be diagnosed as early-onset (as it is a disease of age-related and useage-related deterioration, and therefore can be ‘early-onset’ if it occurs in people younger than the average age of onset.

You mention you have fibromyalgia also. This condition is often confused with rheumatoid arthritis as they share a very similar presentation.

Have you been talked with openly about your actual condition? Would speaking more with a specialist help you to understand more about your condition/symptoms/abilities and limitations? For instance, you should have an OT involved in your support who would be able to discuss with you the functional impact of your conditions and whether it would be feasible to entertain taking-on the parenting role of a newborn/toddler.

I am not unsympathetic and I Also have numerous conditions which could result in me spending my life in bed.... I do realise my opinion might not be popular and there is no easy way of saying things but you may live another ten/ twenty/ thirty years. Do you really want to spend them in bed?
And sometimes it's worth pushing for a second/ third opinion....
you asked about how your relationship can improve- if someone is in the role of a carer and already unwell themselves I imagine romance is the last thing on their mind. In our case it's hard to relax, he takes on my of the donkey Work, he worries when I work, am out, pick things up (I have a large tumour, crohns and epilepsy)

I am not being mean.... this is from someone living that life.

I forgot to mention also... your DP (who you say has diabetes type 1) may well be experiencing lack of erectile function as a result of the neuropathy secondary to uncontrolled DM1.

This is a well-known symptom of DM1 in men, yet you don’t mention this in your post which is enquiring as to what people’s thoughts are about your lack of physical intimacy. This makes me feel even more so that both you and your DP aren’t fully aware of or on top of your actual conditions and their diagnostics/symptoms/impacts.

Which quite frankly I find odd. And even more odd that you’re thinking of bringing a baby into this confusing and confused scenario.

Yes, I'm realising now that a baby isn't in the picture anymore, it would be unfair to the baby and added stress for us.

Regarding the medical conditions I will see GP, likely in new year now, to ask for re-evaluation with specialists about the conditions. It's a lot to take on, and with the forgetfulness of M..E and Myasthenia Gravis it's indeed tough to keep on top of everything. Then there's the constant worry and stress about money matters - OH is primarily responsible for this but it's easy to see the stress mirrored on their face and the counting down to next pay day.

I have significantly elevated levels of infection markers, Acetylcholine Receptor .Antibodies (associated with Myasthenia Gravis) and Immuniglobulin A (associated with arthritic conditions). There's others that are associated with excruciating abdo pain that often lands me in hospital under surgical review too.

Wanna - I'm so sorry to hear of your conditions. I've been investigated for Crohns and Ulcerative Colitis before they settled on Coeliac, gluten is out of my diet since.

I don't see any of the last posters about medical things to be unsympathetic, it's good for me to get the thoughts in all honesty. But yes, at the moment getting up is really hard. Some days I can't even turn over to grab tablet, or go to the loo even. Sorry TMI there . Not sure what they can do, the neurological and rheumatology departments passed me between the two. Pain management was the most useful - at least they have me on painkillers strong enough to take the edge off the pain - although when excruciating abdominal pain strikes nothing touches it.

I also have problems with my eyes (probably related to the Myasthenia Gravis) and will likely need surgery next year.

Thanks again peeps

I have to agree with wannabe.

I have awful health; Addison’s disease which they struggle to control against my other conditions, thyroid problems, pituitary tumour, chronic back pain and recurrent urinary infections for which I take daily antibiotics. I currently take 20 tablets every single day - every one of those is essential to keeping me alive (none of those 20 is a painkiller, I haven’t included painkillers in that). It is deeply, deeply shit and I really do understand the depression and despair side of things. To add to our mix we have a 5 year old son with autism (that is severe enough that he attends complex needs school) and although I love him to the moon and back it is such hard work. I never get to rest properly. He is up every day at 4.30 / 5am for the day and is non stop physical and very active all day long (when he isn’t at school we need to get out of the house doing things for at least half the day). There is no way I could possibly lie in bed even if I wanted to - with my son it just isn’t an option. To add a baby into your mix would be a crazy idea....you could end up like me surviving on 4/5 hours sleep every night and even more unwell than you are. (My dh also has health issues but is able to work full time in a low paid job, every day is a struggle).

I think I would try to focus on doing whatever you can to improve you own health. Push for second opinions, joint support groups, give yourself little targets every day. I downloaded an app called Active 10 where it counts how many “brisk” steps you do when you walk- just 10 mins of walking every day really improves your health (if you can manage any walking at all, I’m not sure, I’m just putting it out there)!

A cat or lazy dog is also a great idea for company - greyhounds love to snuggle up and sleep!