Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me persuade him this is not going to ruin our family.

27 replies

coalwife · 10/12/2017 11:03

I have been a stay at home mum for 8 years. Before that I was a nurse. I do not want to go back to that. It was hell and is no better now by all accounts. I have started my own business as a VA so I can work from home. It's going really well because I'm good at my job I actually have a waiting list for clients.

My husband is not convinced. He works away during the week and is concerned this will change the dynamic in our house. (Ie he might actually have to do something!)

Recently I had some great publicity and I emailed it to him to see. He still hasn't mentioned it. (It was on Friday)
I want to confront him tonight about his apathy. How can I
A. Bring it up
B convince him this is a good thing.

(Ps. We don't need me to work in terms of money so he doesn't see why I'd want to)

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 10/12/2017 11:10

What is a VA? Is he usually like this when you enjoy doing stuff?

TatianaLarina · 10/12/2017 11:10

You shouldn’t have to convince your DH that working is a good thing.

He should be please for you and supportive. If not there’s something wrong with him.

Ultimately it’s his problem. Get on with your life.

ladystarkers · 10/12/2017 11:12

Whats a VA?

BrutusMcDogface · 10/12/2017 11:12

Yes, what is a va?

But he is being a bit selfish, if you ask me. He is indeed worried that he might have to step up and do a few more of the shitwork tasks if you're working. Angry

SandyY2K · 10/12/2017 11:12

I can't see his problem. Is it that he'll have to help with household chores? Can he explain in plain English what dynamics will change and why?

Why does he think your ambition and aspiration is to never earn money of your own again?

Personally, I'd let him know it's something you want to do and need to keep your mind active. This sounds controlling of him.

In my opinion.... you can be in a weak position as a SAHP.

What age are your DC ?

TatianaLarina · 10/12/2017 11:14

Virtual assistant?

TatianaLarina · 10/12/2017 11:14

Ie home based secretarial and admin support.

username7979 · 10/12/2017 11:15

You have nothing to convince him about. The facts speak for itself.
It is your right to work.
Him wanting to dictate you to stay at home is control and coercion. (emotional manipulation). It says a lot about his fears and insecurities.

user1494670108 · 10/12/2017 11:22

I'm more interested in the job!! I'll have to google it but I'm in a similar position to you possibly.
After 11 years as a SAHM, my dh is very comfortable with the job splits - ie he earns and I do everything else.
I don't know how the dynamic would be if I worked but I suspect he would not like anything to change.

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/12/2017 11:24

Don’t try to convince him. Tell him you’re doing it, you expect his support, and if you don’t have it he will have to deal with the fact that your relationship will suffer.

He sounds like a sexist idiot.

username7979 · 10/12/2017 11:32

what atrocious says, he sounds like he wants women at home, that says a lot about how he considers them and you

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/12/2017 11:40

No, don't confront him. That implies he has power over your work choices.

Not surprising that he's unhappy he will have to start doing some of the shitwork. That is human nature. You don't have to respond though.

Carry on as you are, ignoring his grumps, he has to get used to the new normal in his own way.

He may well just get used to it and be fine.

GreenRut · 10/12/2017 11:52

How about you and what it might ruin in you if you DON'T work? Does that matter to him, does it matter to you?? And I think it's horrible behaviour for him to not respond to your email, supporting you, celebrating your success, sharing the pride in that. He sounds like a pig!

Original poster
coalwife · 10/12/2017 12:52

Yes VA is a Virtual Assistant. While I was a SAHM I did distance learning courses in Social media management and business administration. I have a natural flare for organisation and I keep abreast of software releases. So I have been successful in the short time I have been going.

He literally will not comment on anything to do with my work. The newspaper article has been sitting open on the coffee table all weekend. My picture is screaming out of it and he hasn't even mentioned it.

I tried taking to him about it when I got my first client and that's when he said about the dynamics changing. He said when I do something I throw myself at it 100%

I feel in this he has been hugely unsupportive but I think he sees supportive as a money thing so he will disagree.

I just want him to show an interest. Be excited for me.

OP posts:
butterfly56 · 10/12/2017 13:07

This must be a control freak's worst nightmare!
Especially when their partner ends up with their work being recognised in the Media.
You are going to have a tough time with this guy going forward because he is probably absolutely seething inside that you have the audacity to actually do something for yourself.

So sorry to sound so cynical but I have been in this situation and it did not end well.

Flowers
CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/12/2017 14:37

He should be doing what mine did - cheering you on, reassuring you that it will work, you are good enough and that he will be supporting you all the way.

My DH works away a lot and, in my busiest times, has come home on Thursday to find Monday's dishes still in the dishwasher and me sat behind a growing mound of paperwork. His solution is to sort out the dishwasher, make me a cup of tea and try to get me to agree to a reasonable finish time so he can cook tea for us to eat together.

That's how it is supposed to happen, isn't it? - not saying DH is an angel, he's just more than able to do any housework that needs doing!

HermioneIsMe · 10/12/2017 14:43

Basically he had a nice life doing very little, still getting all the perks of going to work, be the one who is sucessful etc...
He isn’t going to like to see you be yourself, be as sucessful (or maybe even more successful) than him.
He won’t like the idea that you will give yourself 100%, which means he will have to step up and do so work around the house/with the dcs.
Money is arena herring,
. The reason why you might want to work are never all about money. (Nor are his btw)

So far he has been very PA, refusing to acknowledge any of the great stuff you have done so far, refus8ng to acknowledge even the fact that that you are working.

I really wouldn’t sit down and try to make him see the light. Or have his approval.
I would sit down and tell him that this is what you are gong to do. And that you need him to do x and y and that he WILL do it as part of the team you are are together.
I would carry on with what you do the way you want to do it.

HermioneIsMe · 10/12/2017 14:45

And btw. You are not asking too much by expecting him to be happy for you, to be interested in what you do and to be cheering you on.
That’s what nice partners do.

The problem is what he stated. Youve changed the dynamic and he doesn’t like it. So in his world, you sought to go back to your little box and stop being you because it’s an inconvenience for him. :(:(

timeisnotaline · 10/12/2017 15:11

I wouldn't be interested in convincing him. I would remind him that marriage is a two way street and you need to be mutually supportive of each other, and if he wanted a life long housekeeper he should have hired one of married you and hoped for the same result.

Anniegetyourgun · 10/12/2017 15:17

You made it to the papers? The least he could have done was to fake a little enthusiasm. I'm excited for you and I don't even know you!

Hissy · 10/12/2017 15:19

Remind him clearly and concisely that if he doesn’t support you and your happiness/development as a person that he’ll kill off every last trace of love and respect you have for him and he’ll have to step up fully, 100% for the kids and chores in his house every other weekend and half the school holidays

He’s had you shelve your life for him and doesn’t want you to be happy.

Bullocks to that! He has ONE chance to put this right and be your biggest cheerleader or he’ll be needing to think about packing his bags.

Hissy · 10/12/2017 15:20

Bollocks... not bullocks 😂

Thebluedog · 10/12/2017 15:26

Firstly congratulations on your career and starting your own business.

Your dh should be helping and supporting and cheering you on - but I think you know that.

I’d simply sit him do what and say how disappointed you are in him. Firstly because he’s not achnowledged your success In the media. And secondly at how unsupportive he’s being.

I wouldn’t bother trying to come up with ideas on how to make him understand or get him on board. He’ll simply have to pull his weight. You could hire a cleaner etc but that seems to be platacting him again. He needs to learn to grow up and become a partnership with you. Rather than getting a PA

rememberthetime · 10/12/2017 15:46

You have already had to restrict your choice of career to one where you can work from home, so to have it further restricted by his inability to make it easier for you is going to be tricky.

I had this with my ex. I was sat down and told how my work was affecting the children and him and that it was selfish of me to consider doing something that would affect other people.

I worked from home in a similar role to you and I am still doing it 10 years later. It has been very successful - but whlile I was with my husband I never made a proper go of it. I felt guilt, time pressures, the need to put him first (never working weekends, always making dinner, picking up the kids from school). This was despite his work being flexible. When he took time off work I was expected to be there to do nice things with him - not carry on with my work.

You need t make it very clear your work is important. Do not carry on doing everything you used to. If he can't or won't help the family budget can now stretch to a cleaner and childcare. But that's his money too - just just from your earnings.

timeisnotaline · 10/12/2017 17:21

If he can't or won't contribute I know in your position my love for him would die a little every day until it was all over. So just as well you are doing as well at your job!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread