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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH trying to control the way I am grieving

41 replies

NotBurpeesAgain · 10/12/2017 08:51

On Wednesday we were hit with dreadful news. I am 13 weeks pregnant and our baby has a 90 to 99% chance of not making it.
I manage to hold myself together (mostly) when the DCs are with me, but the second they are in bed it is another matter. I do not know how I am going to live through this.

I am really bothered about DH's attitude. Perhaps my emotions are running too high and I am completely misinterpreting his attitude, but it seems to me he has done nothing but criticize me since Wednesday.

On Wednesday night he announced straightaway that it was "out of question" to raise a severely disabled child. When I reminded him of my lifelong pro-life convictions, he said in a mocking voice "Well if a life is a life, why don't you feel bad about eating a steak? What about that poor cow". When I asked him if he was comparing our child to a cow, he got all huffy and I was the one twisting what he was saying. Then he criticized me for having been able to feed the DCs and empty the dishwasher. It means I don't care.

I feel I cannot do anything right these days. If I am howling it is easy for me, I am letting it all out whereas he is keeping it inside. If I manage to put a few sentences about the baby together without bursting into tears I am cold and heartless. If I laugh with the DCs and do housework, I don't care, but if I don't do it he starts tidying up and ranting about the mess. On Friday night I bought a takeaway on the way home from the DCs' after-school activities because I could not face cooking. It was the first time I had bought a takeaway in the 13 years we have been together, but he criticized my laziness.
He is not happy either about me sharing the news with my close family or colleagues (it is my 4th, I am showing, so everybody knows at work) - it means I am craving for attention.

I don't know what to do. DH will not talk about it any more. He will not take a few days off work. My baby is going to die and I cannot deal with a sulker on top of that.

I have to go for the day but I will be back tonight.

OP posts:
LittleCandle · 10/12/2017 08:55

I am so sorry to hear about this. Either your DH is a total dick, or else this is his way of trying to cope with the grief. Everyone copes differently, but he is bang out of order taking it out on you like this. I really don't know what to suggest. Have you got other support near you, like your mum? Flowers for you.

cakeymccakington · 10/12/2017 08:56

I wonder if he's struggling with the grief himself and has no outlet?
Obviously it's not ok for him to be taking out on you though.
Is there anyone you can both speak to about it?

IJoinedJustToPostThis · 10/12/2017 08:56

What was he like before you got the news?

cakeymccakington · 10/12/2017 08:56

Also, I'm really sorry for you and I hope your little one makes it

IceBearRocks · 10/12/2017 08:56

I'm sorry your DH is behaving like this.
I'm a mum to a severly disabled child. Life is not a bed of roses but my DS is bloody amazing !!! We've adjusted and do have the other 2 kids.
I also have a friend who was told to terminate at 34 weeks and they refused. The child is 12 and lives a wonderful life. He horse rides and goes to a wonderfully inclusive school. He loves music and animals .... He lives and enjoys life!

It is your baby and it is your choice ... You need to deal with this in the best way you can ... Best wishes x

Original poster
NotBurpeesAgain · 10/12/2017 08:57

My Mum is the last person I would go to for support. She is like a ghoul that feeds off other people's miseries. I am not providing her with her next fix. It will probably end up with me cutting ties with her, but I cannot think about it now.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotBurpeesAgain · 10/12/2017 09:02

IJoined there have been abusive elements for years. It had been getting a little better these last few months - I was getting better at refusing to put up with it.

IceBearRocks I have not decided anything yet. I am going to refuse the CVS that was booked for next week because I do not want to risk a miscarriage just before Christmas. I would prefer my baby to go naturally, before or after birth. DH would like to end things ASAP.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 10/12/2017 09:02

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I would just go gently with all of this and give yourselves some time and space. If this is out of character for him, I suspect it’s his own way of grieving and dealing with the stress of what’s going on. I had a miscarriage back in April and I know certainly we both reacted in ways we wouldn’t have otherwise. I think I was probably more the angry one. Grief and uncertainty does funny things to you. Get yourself some support and someone to talk to about all of this and try to encourage him to do the same. His feelings are as valid as yours, but sometimes we have funny ways of dealing with them and the stress can really get to everyone.

Jengnr · 10/12/2017 09:03

Is he normally a dick or is this new?

If it's a reaction to the news it's still awful but perhaps understandable and fixable. If it's an extension of his personality run for the hills.

Itscurtainsforyou · 10/12/2017 09:03

I'm so sorry about your baby. Have you had counselling about the condition they have? Would it help to have more information? Or chat to other people? Have you been in touch with http://www.arc-uk.org? They're good for dealing with test results etc and what it means.

It's a very personal thing, deciding how to respond to news like this. I have friends who've had terminations (which I know you don't want), I've had friends who continued with the pregnancy but the baby died before birth, and some whose babies lived longer than expected. But you also need time to deal with the news and it sounds like you're not being given it by your OH.

He sounds horrible. I was going to say that maybe he just has a different way of coping, but I don't think anything can excuse him being so poisonous.

Has he just been like this since the diagnosis? What do you get out of this relationship?

Original poster
NotBurpeesAgain · 10/12/2017 09:07

I am going to go to the hospital appointment on Wednesday even if I do not go through with the CVS. I am hoping DH will talk in front of the consultant.

I really have to go now. Thank you for your advice. I will try to be back tonight before he comes home from work (I did not want to write too much about his past behaviour in order to have more neutral opinions, but to give an example I am not allowed on Mumsnet).

OP posts:
dizzycatdance2 · 10/12/2017 09:34

Firstly, so sorry you are going through such a difficult time.,.................................... What has been his reaction in the past when you have stuck to a decision he disagrees with ?,..,............................. You are , quite rightly, making the best decision for you , from the sound of his controlling nature he's not taking you sticking to your decision well. ,.....................................it may be a reaction to the stress of the situation but that is less likely given his already controlling behaviour.................................. One take away in 13 years with 3dcs !!!!! That says it all to me (unless he steps up to do the cooking when you are struggling) ,......................I hope you can find some peace.

Ellie56 · 10/12/2017 09:45

You are "not allowed on Mumsnet"? Shock
You're an adult. He doesn't get to tell you what you can and can't do.

category12 · 10/12/2017 10:06

It sounds like he's taken the opportunity to ramp up the abuse again.

GertrudeCB · 10/12/2017 11:49

Darling, I am so so sorry that you are going through this. Your H is a gobshite who is actually using this awful time to emotionally abuse you.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 10/12/2017 11:54

I'm so sorry you're going though this Flowers

If there are RL people you feel comfortable speaking to, please do reach out and tell them. You need TO support.

SandyY2K · 10/12/2017 12:00

I am not allowed on Mumsnet

This is because he fears that people will tell you the truth about your situation and you'll see him for who he is and leave.

I recall a user saying her DH blamed mumsnet for their divorce.

Fishface77 · 10/12/2017 13:47

This an extreme situation. What is he normally like?

Fishface77 · 10/12/2017 13:50

Sorry op Flowers. But it a very difficult unusual situation. And this might just be his coping mechanism.

Nanny0gg · 10/12/2017 19:52

And this might just be his coping mechanism.

Well he can bloody well find a different one.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I hope you can find someone in RL to support you.

ElephantsandTigers · 10/12/2017 19:57

Being a shit to his wife doesn't make it better for him, surely.

Butteredparsn1ps · 10/12/2017 21:10

I'm sorry about your situation.

And I'm sorry if the following sounds blunt, but if you choose to continue your pregnancy you are free to make that Choice.

You H doesn't have to like it.

I'm sorry to ask, but if you had to choose between your baby and your H what would you choose?

Go with your heart on this one. It may be difficult, but you can sort out the details later.

Original poster
NotBurpeesAgain · 11/12/2017 09:10

Hi everyone.
My baby has severe hygroma (the nuchal fold was 11mm at 13 weeks) and there is some fluid in the abdomen.
The doctor was very evasive (and apparently in a rush to go home) but I have no hope. She did not mention the short femur, but I saw the measurements. So it is probably Down's syndrome, which is the worst possible scenario for me. If the baby were definitely non-viable, I would choose to continue the pregnancy and ask for palliative care. But I am not sure I could cope with a severely disabled child (and the most important thing, could I leave my 3 older DCs to care for a severely disabled sibling when I am gone).
Anyway, even if I accepted the CVS on Wednesday, by the time the results come back all the consultants will be on holiday and nothing will be done before January - I would be 17 weeks pregnant. I would like to go at least to 22 weeks so that my child has a birth certificate and a decent funeral (this is how it works in France). DH does not understand my point of view but refuses to talk about it. Two days ago he litterally turned his back to me and pretended to sleep.
I am afraid that I am going to lose my child and my husband in 2018.

OP posts:
raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 11/12/2017 09:48

Some practical questions- I think there may be a window of opportunity for a CVS - do you know aboit this? If you refuse it now would you have a chance to find out later?

What are the rules on termination? Do you need CVS "proof" for a late termination - if that's the route you decide to take if the baby is in the 1% that don't miscarry?

Very unfair of the consultant to rush off - will you be having another appointment where you can find out more info soon?

Original poster
NotBurpeesAgain · 11/12/2017 10:04

raisins it is already a bit late for a CVS. The procedure is twice as risky as amnio. Since I do not want to rush into a termination, I would rather wait a few weeks and have amniocentesis. There will be a diagnosis at some point (but basically it will be to determine which chromosomal anomaly it is, rather than if there is an anomaly).

The consultant told me the bad news in the scan room, with her back turned to me because she was busy typing the results. She then took me to the main desk to make an appointment in another, more specialised hospital and she left. I thought it would be an appointment to discuss all possibilities with another team. Later I found out (when I called the hospital) that I was booked for a CVS.
When I asked for a quiet place to call my husband and have a good cry, I was told to go to the waiting room, where I was surrounded with posters of babies and information about breastfeeding. I think France has a lot of progress to make.

I hope that I will be able to find out more on Wedsnesday, but sadly I think I have already been put on the conveyor belt towards a termination, and when I tell the doctors that I am not having CVS I am probably be going to be scolded and rushed out.

OP posts:
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