DH trying to control the way I am grieving

[NotBurpeesAgain]

On Wednesday we were hit with dreadful news. I am 13 weeks pregnant and our baby has a 90 to 99% chance of not making it.
I manage to hold myself together (mostly) when the DCs are with me, but the second they are in bed it is another matter. I do not know how I am going to live through this.

I am really bothered about DH's attitude. Perhaps my emotions are running too high and I am completely misinterpreting his attitude, but it seems to me he has done nothing but criticize me since Wednesday.

On Wednesday night he announced straightaway that it was "out of question" to raise a severely disabled child. When I reminded him of my lifelong pro-life convictions, he said in a mocking voice "Well if a life is a life, why don't you feel bad about eating a steak? What about that poor cow". When I asked him if he was comparing our child to a cow, he got all huffy and I was the one twisting what he was saying. Then he criticized me for having been able to feed the DCs and empty the dishwasher. It means I don't care.

I feel I cannot do anything right these days. If I am howling it is easy for me, I am letting it all out whereas he is keeping it inside. If I manage to put a few sentences about the baby together without bursting into tears I am cold and heartless. If I laugh with the DCs and do housework, I don't care, but if I don't do it he starts tidying up and ranting about the mess. On Friday night I bought a takeaway on the way home from the DCs' after-school activities because I could not face cooking. It was the first time I had bought a takeaway in the 13 years we have been together, but he criticized my laziness.
He is not happy either about me sharing the news with my close family or colleagues (it is my 4th, I am showing, so everybody knows at work) - it means I am craving for attention.

I don't know what to do. DH will not talk about it any more. He will not take a few days off work. My baby is going to die and I cannot deal with a sulker on top of that.

I have to go for the day but I will be back tonight.

So sorry to hear what you are going through.

I wonder if your DH feels as though you are forcing his hand? Have you listened to his point of view, and his reasons for them?

Personally, in your shoes, I would terminate asap. Sorry, I hope that doesn't sound harsh. But by going to term and nursing the baby, knowing it's going to die, then having a funeral etc, will make this situation far, far worse/dramatic. To me, there seems no need to prolong the agony. Why put yourselves through it? In your DH shoes, I think I would feel that you were putting us both on the road to absolute agony, when you have a way out. I think that would make me angry.

My mum lost a few pregnancies at the stage you are at. She also had a baby that died shortly after birth. She would tell you, that the baby that went to term and died, was a far worse experience.

Horrible situation, I'm so sorry

Just taking your abusive arsehole of an h out of things completely...

If you are absolutely sure that you won’t want a termination under any circumstances then the purpose of further antenatal screening would be limited to giving greater understanding of what exactly you are dealing with which you may or may not want. People who feel they are committed to seeing the pregnancy through no matter what happens and will care for the baby if it makes it no matter what happens may not want to have the tests at all. People for whom it is very important to know what they are dealing with before they decide what to do may want to have whatever tests are available.

You sound very (understandably) mixed up as you seem to be on the one hand saying you wouldn’t want to bring up a child with a chromosomal abnormality such as Down’s syndrome but you absolutely wouldn’t consider a termination.

It seems to me that you will probably need to choose between these two things as they are not things which it is possible to have at the same time if your baby does in fact suffer from a chromosomal abnormality. Babies that are non viable (in terms of pregnancy) are usually miscarried prior to 12 weeks. It is very possible that you baby would therefore make it through the pregnancy. Further testing would give you a clearer prediction about what exactly you can expect which might make things clearer. But you don’t have to take the CVS.

At the CVS appointment do you think you could manage to simply say ‘it wasn’t explained to me that this appointment was for a CVS at the time of booking. I am not comfortable with having a CVS, I have researched the risks and would prefer to have an amnio’

I also think you should share this with whoever you want because your husband is being a horrible arsehole. I think you should get as much distance from him as is physically possible and get your emotional support from elsewhere.

dilemma I have asked DH but he will not talk.

I understand that everyone is different. This is the way I view things : a person is a person from conception. At the moment, I have four children. DC4 is very small and very sick, but it is as much my child as the 3 eldest. If I was told tomorrow that DS1 was terminally ill, I would not have him killed as soon as possible. It is the same here. This baby is going to have a very short life, but at the moment he/she is comfortable and loved and I can see no reason to end things now. It is not an "agony".
As I said before, even if I wanted to terminate as soon as possible, nothing would happen before 17 weeks at least. I am going to give birth to this baby anyway.

Offred I do not think I am mixed up. Perhaps I did not express myself clearly.
I am ready to consider a termination in case the baby had Down's. I have not decided anything yet (I would also consider adoption) and I need to be able to talk about it with DH, which is not happening now.

It wasn’t a criticism. Not at all. I don’t think it is possible for even the clearest thinker/communicator to be thinking/communicating perfectly clearly just now.

It makes more sense now you have explained that effectively what you are concerned with is considering a termination (after 22 weeks so that you have the BC and funeral), adoption or possibly raising the baby.

This is the things that I believe matter then;

• you don’t find the increased risks of CVS acceptable.
• You do want to have further tests (amnio) to find out more information.
• You want to get to at least 22 weeks if you can because the BC and funeral is important to you.
• You are not sure what you will decide yet.

None of these things are really up for discussion with your h because they are things that you feel about what is happening to you.

If he can’t be supportive you need to get support from other people.

Sorting out what you want to do about him being an arsehole is for later.

Thank you Offred. I did not feel criticised at all and I am glad you gave me an opportunity to make my feelings clearer. You summed them up very well and this is going to be very helpful on Wednesday - I know the medical team is going to try to force me to undergo CVS and arrange termination in order to "bypass" the legal "reflection period" (there is a strong eugenistic culture in the medical field here in France).

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that this has happened and that I think that wanting to wait until at least 22 weeks when the child will have a birth certificate and funeral, should such things be needed, then that makes sense. You are not trying to ignore what is happening, but you want to acknowledge the baby exists. I would be the same, I think. I would want to be able to talk about my 4th child who didn't survive, rather than an abortion.

for you. Sorry your husband is being such a wanker about it. He may well be grieving, but he is being abusive, and that's not on.

Op I'm sorry that this is happening. I hope that the amnio gives you a clearer idea of what's happening.

I mentioned it in my previous post but please consider speaking to someone from www.arc-uk.org they are a great resource for people in your situation.

Hello everyone.
I have met the consultant. The secretary did not help when she asked me my due date... DH had to answer for me.
The consultant was respectful of my choices (even if I could see she strongly disapproved) and DH supported me, which I am really grateful for.
I am having a very detailed scan on January 8th, if my baby makes it so far. I will be "offered" an amnio.

After the appointment DH and I went to eat a sandwich before he went back to work. Things are a little bit better than a few days ago - I hope it will last.

I am going to try to enjoy my only Christmas with four children.

I’m glad that your h is being more supportive and that this has happened at the right time - at the appointment where you had to face going against the system.

I’m very glad that you have been able to get them to agree to do this the way you want with the scan and the amnio.

Take care and thank you for updating us, it wasn’t necessary but is appreciated.

I hope you can have a peaceful and loving Christmas x

I’m so, so sorry Burpees, there just aren’t the words

Please don’t feel that you have to update, but if you need us we’re here xx

OP, I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I'm thinking of you and I hope you're able to enjoy your Christmas.

I didn't think prognosis for a baby with Down Syndrome was so dire?
I mean in terms of the 90-99% chance of not being born alive?

In any case, I hope you can have a relatively peaceful Christmas OP and that the new year brings new hope

I didn’t want to read and run OP - I just wanted to send you , and to suggest you have a look at a Facebook page called Don’t Be Sorry, run by a lady whose little boy has Down’s Syndrome. I found it very helpful when I had worries during my pregnancy, though they turned out to be unfounded. I hope things continue to be better with your husband.

cakey it is not sure the baby has Down's syndrome. The problem is not only the nuchal translucency / hygroma. There is fluid in the abdomen, which is a very bad sign. It means the baby has a massive oedema and will probably not make it. The fluid will probably keep building up and the heart will eventually fail. The consultant could not / would not tell me the chances of losing the baby naturally.
Down's is the most common cause, but it could be another chromosomal anomaly or a serious heart defect.

That's so sad Burpees and it must make it even more difficult not knowing :-(

I liked what you said earlier in the thread though about your baby being safe right now. That's so true