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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can you complain about a lack of intimacy...

45 replies

athlana · 09/12/2017 23:23

If you never initiate any physical contact?

I know my dp feels there's not enough intimacy. We kiss and hug, but sex or indeed anything beyond kiss/hug has been once in the last 6 months.

Every kiss is me kissing him. Every hug is me initiating it, he does hug me back if I ask for a hug.

He's clearly not happy at present. He does have a lot of other stuff going on, but I know this is part of it, and if U ask him what's wrong he'll say the lack of sex.

He raised this a couple of months ago, how I don't stay at his, etc. I arranged to stay at his, and initiated sex. Since then I stayed at his another 4 times. The first I made a move, he clearly wasn't interested. So I thought I'd leave it to him. The next 3 times he didn't come anywhere near me, in fact complained I was taking up too much space.

So the last couple of weeks I've not made the effort to stay. I've noticed he rarely compliments me. I got a small promotion recently and he barely commented. I don't feel he likes me very much at the moment so don't feel I want to make much effort.

Is that wrong? I've been told before I'm selfish. Maybe I am being?

OP posts:
username7979 · 09/12/2017 23:25

he really does not seem interested in you. You are wasting your time. You cannot make someone love you.

user21 · 09/12/2017 23:25

If the relationship is at this stage and you don’t even live together then it’s time to end it. That’s my honest opinion.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 09/12/2017 23:27

If you don't live together, I'd give it up as a bad job and look for someone who was more affectionate. Life's too short to spend with a man who's distant, blames you for lack of sex and isn't affectionate.

SandyY2K · 09/12/2017 23:35

It doesn't sound like a fun relationship to be in. If it's lacking the connection at this stage...I'd call it a day.

Offred · 09/12/2017 23:35

Do you mean he is expecting sex but is withholding intimacy and being distant then being angry because you aren’t giving him sex so being even more distant?

If so then no, you are not being selfish or unreasonable, he is being a dick...

Very few women will want to bother with the faff and poor satisfaction of being penetrated if their male partner is being a cold hearted dick and/or pressuring for PIV.

Original poster
athlana · 09/12/2017 23:42

He was more affectionate I'm sure in the past. I cant remember when it changed.

We've been together 4 years. There are various reasons why we don't live together, including that I don't want to live with anyone while my teens are still at home.

He says he loves me, we have long term plans for the next 5-10 years. He gas a lit of personal and health problems so I am trying to cut him some slack.

OP posts:
Offred · 09/12/2017 23:43

Why do his personal and health problems mean it is in any way ok for him to be a sexual bully?

Original poster
athlana · 09/12/2017 23:49

He's never pressured me for sex. When we first met he said he had a fairly low drive, was happy with 3 or 4 times a month. Which was fine, in a lot of my past relationships the men behaved like dogs on heat, it was a nice change.

But there's been a few times where he's kind of complained. But because I've not stayed at his, or whatever. I can honestly say there's not been one time I can remember where I've turned him down. I think there have been a couple of times where he cuddled me and I feel asleep. But I've never expressly turned him down, said I'm not in the mood or any other cliche. Because he initiates seldom enough that id always be willing on those rare occasions. If that makes sense.

OP posts:
Offred · 09/12/2017 23:54

But he’s complaining about the lack of sex isn’t it he?

If a normal person feels their partner might have gone off sex then they might be concerned they are unhappy not strop around being generally unkind and distant and then complain that sex is not being provided at the frequency they would like.

Offred · 09/12/2017 23:57

And if he is unkind to you why would you feel inclined to be affectionate/have sex/stay at his?

Surely he would have the self awareness to realise ‘I am stressed and being unkind to athlana’ rather than being both unkind/uncaring AND complaining about your reaction to his behaviour.

Original poster
athlana · 10/12/2017 00:17

I don't think he feels I've gone off sex. I've never rejected an advance, so he can't be assuming I don't want it.

When we last spoke about this he said he wanted me to spend more time at his, he moved last year to live nearer me but most of the time we spend together is still spent at my home. He feels it should be more even. I think in his mind if I was there more often our sex life would resume.

But honestly when I've stayed I don't enjoy being there. I'm waiting for him to make a move. Which probably won't happen. Then I'm trying not to take up too much room in the bed.

Am I being selfish in not wanting to stay?

OP posts:
debbs77 · 10/12/2017 00:28

Sorry but it's like the film says..... he's just not that into you.

He is letting you down not so gently. No guts to end it himself so is making it so you do

Offred · 10/12/2017 00:35

Why don’t you want to stay?

LineyRunner · 10/12/2017 00:37

Does he have his own flat? Why don't you like to stay?

Original poster
athlana · 10/12/2017 00:45

Yes he has his own place.

I don't know why I stopped staying previously, there were a few weekends I needed to be at mine, he didn't mention me staying, and then several months had slipped past.

More recently - since we last had the discussion and he said he wanted me to stay at his more - I stopped because after 3 times of being there, him not initiating anything, and also telling me I was hogging the bed/ duvet, I thought I'd rather be in my own bed.

OP posts:
Offred · 10/12/2017 00:47

So basically you don’t feel welcome or comfortable at his then and you don’t feel like he gives you any affection.

No, that’s not selfish. Why don’t you just tell him that’s why you don’t stay more often?

Original poster
athlana · 10/12/2017 01:01

I was going to try staying again this weekend to see if it was any different and then raise it, but we had a disagreement earlier so he went off back to his on his own, but as I think he'll mention me not staying there tomorrow i'll tell him then.

Just hope he doesnt come out with thr so its all my fault then line...

OP posts:
Offred · 10/12/2017 01:07

Does he often do that when you tell him how you feel?

Offred · 10/12/2017 01:11

Cos it is pretty obvious surely that if you want your girlfriend to stay more often then being cold and unaffectionate and complaining she hogs the bed/duvet when she comes round isn’t much incentive for her to come round more often...

MrsDilber · 10/12/2017 01:19

If you are keen to have more sex and are trying to be affectionate, when he brings up the lack of sex - be totally honest, like you have been here. Tell him how you really feel.

Casmama · 10/12/2017 01:37

This relationship sounds totally miserable. You want more sex but he’s the one complaining about a lack of sex?
Two choices as far as I can see, end it or learn how to communicate. Honestly I think you would be better moving on but that’s your choice.

TheStoic · 10/12/2017 02:44

It sounds like it has nothing to do with sex, he just can’t find anything else to ‘blame’ you for.

I’d let this fizzle out if I were you. It’s half-way dead already.

Original poster
athlana · 10/12/2017 07:23

It wasn't always like this. There have been a great many external stressors on our relationship, in fact probably every one of the most stressful events you can go through has unfortunately happened to me or him in the last 4 years. I thought we would weather the storm. But we don't seem to be communicating well now and I don't feel at times he likes me very much.

Which probably then reflects in how I am towards him, he would probably say he thinks I behave similarly to him.Some honest communication is required I think. Or we just call it a day.

OP posts:
Original poster
athlana · 10/12/2017 09:32

Also I don't know if I am being over sensitive? I don't take anything I perceive as criticism well. So I feel hurt if he says I'm hogging the bed or duvet. But then if I am, surely it's unfair not to expect him to say something? It's selfish of me to expect him to keep quiet/ put up with it, surely?

OP posts:
Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 10/12/2017 12:58

Sometimes the communication breakdown in a stale relationship leads to resentment and misunderstanding on both sides that just become a habit and it's very difficult to get out of the spiral of decline. You're hurt that he snipes about hogging the bed, he feels rejected sexually, you feel rejected too. If I'd moved to be nearer to you I'd be hacked off if you weren't staying with me more if that had been the agreed aim.

I don't know if you're at the point of wanting to break up with him or if you really want to salvage the relationship.

Have you tried writing down the pros and cons and really analysing what you want? If you want to stay in the relationship I almost think you might need a third party to help resetablish positive communication again - have you thought about Relate?