Can you complain about a lack of intimacy...

[athlana]

If you never initiate any physical contact?

I know my dp feels there's not enough intimacy. We kiss and hug, but sex or indeed anything beyond kiss/hug has been once in the last 6 months.

Every kiss is me kissing him. Every hug is me initiating it, he does hug me back if I ask for a hug.

He's clearly not happy at present. He does have a lot of other stuff going on, but I know this is part of it, and if U ask him what's wrong he'll say the lack of sex.

He raised this a couple of months ago, how I don't stay at his, etc. I arranged to stay at his, and initiated sex. Since then I stayed at his another 4 times. The first I made a move, he clearly wasn't interested. So I thought I'd leave it to him. The next 3 times he didn't come anywhere near me, in fact complained I was taking up too much space.

So the last couple of weeks I've not made the effort to stay. I've noticed he rarely compliments me. I got a small promotion recently and he barely commented. I don't feel he likes me very much at the moment so don't feel I want to make much effort.

Is that wrong? I've been told before I'm selfish. Maybe I am being?

Sometimes people overcompensate for their perceived faults and therefore don’t have adequate boundaries though too.

Did you ask him to move nearer to you?

I don't think he would go for relate, he had a poor experience with counsellors when his marriage was breaking down. I'm not ruling it out. I just don't know if he would be into it.

When we first met he lives an hour away. He then got a job about half an hour from me (not engineered by me, the best job available at the time), and moved about 15-20 mins away. However that property wasn't ideal, and a long way from public transport routes. He's now about 5-10 mins away from me, near the station etc. So it wasn't just for my benefit. He did look at properties less close to me, but they were more expensive, poorly located or just not very nice. I didn't force him into this one. Was I pleased he was living closer? Of course. I did say as much. But That's as far as it went really.

He's hard work, and a bore. My head would've turned already. Listless and non-exciting doesn't float my boat. There are other men out there you know OP. Cut this one adrift, especially as he's not that interested in you, you're "there", thats all.

You really could do with wanting more for yourself. You're over-thinking about an empty vessel. A lifetime with him doesn't sound a thrilling prospect at all so what's the point anyway. Leave.

To me it sounds like this relationship has simply run its course for both of you. It sounds like neither of you are that bothered and neither of you are making much effort.

Does he sound boring from what I've said? That's not how I see him at all.

I'm also not sure why it sounds like I'm not making an effort? In not staying at his place you mean? But surely my reticence over that is understandable given events the last few times I've stayed there?

I'm conscious this has been a difficult year for him so have tried to cut him some slack.

You're right, you go get touchy about a perceived criticism don't you?

I don't know, just the way you write about having to make an effort to try and stay at his more often, about how you're making an effort to instigate sex, he's gone off in s huff after a row, you need to schedule time to talk about this...just the impression i get is that you're both finding it hard going and too much effort and that neither of you is especially bothered. It shouldn't feel like that surely? Like hard work and ugh effort.

Like I say, just my impression from what you've typed.

Neither of you sound particularly invested in the relationship but can’t be bothered to split or want to be the ‘reason’ for the split. The detachment and resentment are symptomatic of the lack of investment.

What’s the point of long term plans if you can’t even agree on the present.

I don't think I was being touchy, it was a genuine question.

Anyway aren't (good, long term) relationships meant to require some effort? I don't know, with the exception of one dysfunctional relationship that limped on for 7 years but which I'd mentally checked out of after about 18 months, none of my relationships have lasted beyond a year. But I understand from friends who have been with their partners for 5, 10, even 20 years that they haven't got there without effort (on both sides). They've had to work at it...

For me, I'm older. I have a very busy life and a lot of responsibilities. I have a house, children, a job, all to fit around my partner, or to fit him around them is perhaps more accurate. If I was 21 I'd come and go as I pleased, stay at his as and when. I'm more than double that, so I have to plan. I need to be at home most of the time to get certain jobs done, or for my family. So I can't be that flexible. Hence effort being required.

Obviously though whether we are both prepared to work at it is a different question and one I don't really know the answer to get.

Yes relationships do require effort but it sounds like neither of you is sufficiently bothered to make that effort.

Plus the effort shouldn't feel like a chore (that makes sense in my head). You sound bored and uninvested.

And I completely understand what you're saying about having to plan and consider Home / job / kids etc. My life is the same (I don't live with dp of 4 years either). But surely your dp shouldn't just feel like another chore to fit in?

Like I say, just the impression I get from your posts. You don't really, for instance, talk about whether you love him.

My DH is my life, he is my best friend, he is my comedian, nurse, confidant and every thing else to me. This is after many, many years together. The thought of little physical contact from him is awful to me. We hug all night.

What you describe isn't a relationship in my eyes. Can you see things going on like this forever?

I think there's probably quite a few shades of happy between "can't be bothered" and "he is my everything" which is the relationship ground most couples occupy.

I mean I really love my DP. He's the loveliest man I ever met. I look forward to seeing him, love spending time with him, fancy him like mad, would walk on broken glass for him. But he's not my everything. I have my kids, and friends, and work, and hobbies, and Bryan Ferry

I do love him. I wouldn't have been in a relationship for this long otherwise. I didn't say it because I didn't think it was necessarily relevant. Our issues are still there irrespective.

And I don't consider him a chore. But he is a piece of my life, like home, children and work that I have to try and slot together, which for various reasons isn't easy.

He's improved my life but he isn't my life. I did believe that we would last. Now I still hope we will if we can get back to how we were BUT the thought of being on my own holds no fears. Been there and done that.

I've been reflecting on it and it's difficult because whilst I don't feel I'm getting what I need, I am conscious he's had a terrible year. Is it selfish of me to expect him to be affectionate and/or full of Xmas cheer if he's feeling unhappy and low?

It's difficult.

Do you go out for meals and do things together. If not then it does sound a pretty miserable set-up. But sex isn't that important to some people. He sounds very set in his ways. Has he lived on his own for a long time.

We go out normally fortnightly, thouhh sometimes more often, a meal, cinema, pub, something like that.

He'd lived on his own for about 6 months before we met, so I guess now he's lived a lone for 4.5 years? It's about double that for me.

So it's not as if he's lived for years alone. I wonder if it could be he is a little disgruntled that you have such a busy full life and he doesn't. I might be quite wrong but it's just a guess. Especially when you say he didn't really congratulate you on your recent promotion. He sounds a bit depressed and unhappy with his lot.

Ive recently just had a break up mostly due to him never wanting to stop at mine.
It hurt my feelings and made me question how much he actually wanted me.

There wss a whole host of different reasons why we split. Im just putting across that perspective on how he may be feeling with you not staying. Although it is understandable why you need to go home etc. It still may be getting to him.

I don't know that he's disgruntled as such, I certainly think he gets lonely as his family and friends are quite a way away. Depressed...yes I think so. He has frequent suicidal what's the point of life type thoughts (always has, not a new thing). I have often felt despairing but never that I wanted to end my life. So I struggle to relate to that.

If you can’t talk to him about how his actions are making you feel, you don’t have a relationship. Either talk to him or let him go.

I've not had an opportunity to speak to him this week. My intention is to do so when I see him next, either tomorrow or Thursday.