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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HUsband having an affair

44 replies

Amaz24 · 09/12/2017 19:09

I have found out my husband has been having an affair this week as the person posted a letter telling me!had been going on 1 year as we were buying a house etc. I have kicked him out the house. We haven’t told our 6 year old. I’m falling apart.

HELP 😢😢😢😢😢😢

OP posts:
Kit1411 · 09/12/2017 19:23

Oh gosh I’m so sorry to hear this. What did your husband say about the letter being sent, or maybe he was in on the ideas, I presume he will go off to be with her, but if he thinks your daughter growing up will have any respect for this lady (albeit not the only one to blame, him just as much) then he’s got another thing coming. If you need any advice in terms of divorce, the house, income, maintenance etc let me know (just don’t want to over step the mark if it’s too soon for you or if you’ve already had advice).

Original poster
Amaz24 · 09/12/2017 19:49

Thank you. No he hasnt gone with her she was bitter coz she thinks there is someone else so told me. She was ok to have the affair for a year!,, only told me coz she’s hurting!,p sent me pics etc also. Things they’ve done that we used to do, our thing etc. They have been people at work! He wasn’t aware of the letter till I showed him when he came home. We have been together 15 Year’s and married 7.
I need all the advice I can get!
Just trying to get through each day and be strong for little one.
Also dreading telling little one, my hearts going to break even more! How do I not cry when saying?..

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Original poster
Amaz24 · 09/12/2017 19:50

According to him some things true but not all. Don’t believe anything he says!

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Original poster
Amaz24 · 09/12/2017 19:52

How does another women have an affair when they know they have a wife and kid at home!!!!

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Marveldc · 09/12/2017 19:59

I'm sorry you are hurting right now. In my personal opinion it is best to not involve kids until things have been sorted. In terms of if you are gonna give things a go or definitely end. It's confusing otherwise.
I think you need to if you can find an appropriate time to discuss your relationship, preferably when your child isn't around.
It's a very hard thing to get past or build trust again after infidelity.
Try and stay in control though, don't allow him to believe he can call the shots as to whether he wants to be with you or not. I'm sure there's a lot of questions you need answering before you can make a decision. Stay strong you can get through this.

Original poster
Amaz24 · 09/12/2017 20:12

Thank you. It's definitely over as I have forgiven him once before! I know this is the way it has to be. He's upset and it makes me angry as he's caused it! He says he loves me and I'm his best friend but how can I be? He wouldn't have done it!

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Original poster
Amaz24 · 09/12/2017 20:14

I feel we've got to tell little one as wonders where Dad is and you can only say at Work so often. And I'm the one having to say it and lie and why should I?
He wants to wait till after Christmas which I understand but I do t know if it's best? There's never a good time and the longer the harder it is

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 09/12/2017 20:18

She sent a letter because"she is hurting?"seriously?
Hell I feel for you,left to try and keep routine for your little one and then the trauma of telling her without being nasty about her dad.just too unfair.
I'd be tempted to change the locks if you can afford to and seek advice about financial support and your legal standing asap.
Even if you know where she lives or works don't feel tempted to retaliate/reply to her letter.(keep that and photos in case required for divorce)
Be the stronger ,better person.
If he comes to the house and you don't want him there call the police.they will assist him to leave .
Accept help from friends and family,this is a huge shock,be nice to yourself.
So sorry this has happened but you are better off without him and you will be fine without him once again,but you must take practical steps to protect you both financially as soon as you can.
Karma will ensure that their actions are repaid.
Don't blame yourself.Ever.
Sending you lots of hugs🌻💜🌼

Pinkpillows · 09/12/2017 20:20

You don't need to explain in detail to your DC just pick a time that you've got yourself together and say the basics.

You've made the right choice and what I will say it does get easier, you will be in a good place soon just right now it hurts really bad but you will get over this and find your life is so much better without him

BewareOfDragons · 09/12/2017 20:27

He's upset?!? I wouldn't hesitate to remind him that he's caused ALL of this, so he doesn't get to tell you he's upset.

And he doesn't get to make you wait until after Christmas if that doesn't work for you. It may well not.

niteandfog · 09/12/2017 20:33

Don't tell your little one, they honestly don't need to know. I think there is a big difference between falling in love with someone and simply having a physical affair. As far as I know a lot of people can come back from this but this is up to you (and to him as well, because if he's going to try to mend things but still seeing the OW, how is that trying??) I'm going through divorce and similar stuff as you, so happy to help :)

Original poster
Amaz24 · 09/12/2017 20:38

I think little one needs to know something

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Original poster
Amaz24 · 09/12/2017 20:39

Apparently not seeing her now. Never believe him now anyway. What's harder is I don't have family down here. I do have some friends. My family here was his!

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niteandfog · 09/12/2017 20:47

I feel you! All of my family is overseas and I have one friend who happens to be close to him so it's awkward! Your LO needs to know daddy won't be there, but doesn't need to know there was an affair involved

Original poster
Amaz24 · 09/12/2017 21:02

I just want to stop feeling like this. I'm not sleeping or eating properly as either not hungry, full straight away or feel nauseous. I'm trying to be sooooo strong for little one.

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Original poster
Amaz24 · 09/12/2017 21:03

I'd never say daddy had an affair I could never be that cruel no matter what.

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Kit1411 · 09/12/2017 21:12

I’m strongly hoping his family will see how wrong he has / is being and support you. Seems as your family is not here too. I’m glad you have some friends, hope they’re good ones and will be there for you. If you were near me (I’m in Essex) I would offer you some advice and support...you can’t change the locks if he also owns the house as it’s half his. However, he is legally entitled to have to pay half the mortgage and you and your daughter will be able to stay living there until she is 18. You must keep the letter and pictures though, this is your evidence if he did take you to court and try and make you sell the house. You can say you wouldn’t be able to afford a mortgage for you and your daughter so they’d let you keep the house - a solicitor would advise you of this and so would his, so he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Also because of his wrong doing, in the divorce (if you or he goes for one) you will be entitled to more percentage of the house equity (when you have to sell when your daughter is 18) but you need the letter as proof it was his wrong doing. Let me know if you have any more questions.

DiscoDeviant · 09/12/2017 21:16

I’m so so sorry. Same thing happened to me. More than once. I’m free of him now thankfully. I was a long way from family too. I’m south coast and they were all 200 miles away. It will be okay.

Original poster
Amaz24 · 09/12/2017 21:25

Yes I'm Essex and family 200 miles away!

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poppy54321 · 09/12/2017 21:33

I'm so sorry. Perhaps his family who are local to you will give you some emotional support?

poppy54321 · 09/12/2017 21:36

Perhaps you can plan a trip to see your family over Christmas. I feel like you need someone to really lean on.

DiscoDeviant · 09/12/2017 21:43

My ex’s mistress sent a pack of baby vests when DS1 was born. The fucker gave them to me too! He told me they were from someone else. I mean WTF! You’d just chuck them in the bin!

ferando81 · 09/12/2017 21:54

Like you said you've forgiven him once .Dont waste anymore time with this horrible man.Anyone can make a mistake once ,but to do the same thing again is unforgivable

Original poster
Amaz24 · 09/12/2017 22:03

He's here now and I'm putting it out there while he is with little one.
Should we tell little one about it before Christmas? I say yes the sooner the better he says no!

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aftertheevent · 09/12/2017 22:10

keep the little one out of it. Or you will end up using him as a pawn and damaging him. Stop it. FFS.

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