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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

HUsband having an affair

44 replies

Amaz24 · 09/12/2017 19:09

I have found out my husband has been having an affair this week as the person posted a letter telling me!had been going on 1 year as we were buying a house etc. I have kicked him out the house. We haven’t told our 6 year old. I’m falling apart.

HELP 😢😢😢😢😢😢

OP posts:
DiscoDeviant · 09/12/2017 22:20

aftertheevent She’s not bringing the LO into it. That’s a bit harsh. She said she’d never tell him his dad had an affair. I’d never tell my boys either. I don’t want them to have any idea.

Amaz24 · 09/12/2017 22:30

That's harsh!!!!!!!

I never said tell him details but tell him daddy's not living here anymore

OP posts:
Amaz24 · 09/12/2017 22:32

I AM NOT AND NEVER WOULD USE MY CHILD AS A PAWN!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 09/12/2017 22:40

aftertheevent .... have ypu ever been through anything luke being cheated on????

Amaz24 · 09/12/2017 22:47

I definitely wouldn't recommend it!

OP posts:
Graphista · 09/12/2017 23:04

Always so much crap info given in these threads as 'fact'

That the marriage has broken down due to his affair has NOTHING to do with what happens with the finances.

I'm 15 years down the line from where you are. My idiot got the ow pregnant!

You won't feel like eating/sleeping but try. Soup, smoothies, cereal, toast whatever you can manage the shock will dissipate and your body will adjust.

Mon arrange appointments to interview family lawyers and find one you are

A comfortable with
B doesn't pull their punches.

If you have joint accounts open an account of your own with a completely different bank. Withdraw what is legally yours, arrange for wages, benefits etc to go into your new account.

Get onto the child maintenance department, tax credits, child benefit, dwp, council Monday if you need to change who it's payable to or may struggle financially and could be entitled to help.

Inform the school and any child carers so that they can monitor and support dd. Children often don't want to "upset mummy" but need a listening ear. Also so they are aware if there's any issues re pickup/drop off etc

DO NOT assume he will play fair they hardly ever do regardless of what promises they may make.

DO NOT go to his family for support. Ultimately HE is their family, not you. And whatever you say can later be used against you. Don't give them or him any potential ammunition.

If a family member can come and stay for a while to support take the offer - I had this thought I wouldn't need it - it was a god send!

Be as honest as is age appropriate with your dd. I defended, excused and lied for my ex in the "don't speak bad of the other parent" idea, it simply meant when she discovered the truth when older that she felt lied to betrayed and struggled to trust me on this subject. Since then I have been completely honest with her. Her dad and his now 2nd wife have tried to tell her all sorts of lies but I have offered and possess proof of otherwise so that they can't get away with that.

That said it is not her responsibility to referee the 2 of you. Nor to spy for either of you. Not saying you will or intend to but it happens. My niece and nephews had this shit from their dad, he also had an affair and yet was obsessed with my sister meeting someone else and pure interrogated his kids, they're now older and refuse to answer his questions.

Don't be tempted into revenge, retaliation etc it hurts you more than him. Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing how much he has hurt you.

Keep talking here and in real life to those who would support you.

user838383 · 09/12/2017 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kit1411 · 10/12/2017 03:37

Great advice from Graphista, especially if you have a separate bank account, open your own account and put your wages, tax credits etc in there (they can take 6 weeks to come through so look into that soon), plus single persons council tax, he should also pay you child maintenance (around £300 a month if he earns between £600-£1000 ish a week). Aw you’re in Essex too, where abouts?

ChickenMom · 10/12/2017 05:39

How awful :( makes you wonder who the other one is that the mistress thinks he is also seeing. How many has he got??!! I’d recommend going to your family for Christmas if you can. You might want to think about moving closer to family too in the future? You now get to do whatever you need to make your life easier/better. His feelings don’t come into it now. He gave up that right the moment he started mucking around.

Amaz24 · 10/12/2017 08:05

I know it sounds stupid but I feel too guilty not letting him see his dad!!!
When does this horrible feeling stop? And you start feeling better?

OP posts:
Kit1411 · 10/12/2017 08:59

I wouldn’t stop little man seeing him, as hard as it is, otherwise he could take you to court asking for more time with your son and the courts seem to be more for the Dad at the moment (in some cases) so maybe start little and make him aware that your son needs to gradually see him as he won’t want to be away from you and you both don’t want to unsettle him. Hopefully he’ll work with you and agree. You also want you son growing up knowing you tried to keep their relationship, your son will make his own decisions when he’s older. You will gradually start to feel better, but it takes time.

Amaz24 · 10/12/2017 09:31

I meant see his dad at Christmas

OP posts:
Amaz24 · 10/12/2017 09:31

Think I'm going to have to lay happy families

OP posts:
Amaz24 · 10/12/2017 09:32

Kit where in Essex are you? Private message me if you wish. I would you but I do t know how to as I'm new to all this

OP posts:
Graphista · 10/12/2017 12:56

Your child will be best off if you're ok, playing happy families is bloody hard.

I had a pretty good idea about the cheating but was well advised to play the long game to get the evidence I needed - for me not the divorce. So I was with him about 3/4 months after my first inklings (wish I'd known about mn he was displaying classic behaviours - suddenly working late, bettering appearance, glued to phone, criticising me for things that had never been an issue before...) so I had to play happy families. Damn hard.

Amaz24 · 10/12/2017 13:53

Very true it is hard as pics up etc and constant reminder which I know will be the case!

OP posts:
pennysmithd · 27/10/2019 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Stressedout10 · 27/10/2019 14:29

@pennysmithd
You need to start your own thread rather than post on a 2 year old zombie thread

Startingoveragain1 · 27/10/2019 14:51

Start your own thread op. Youll get a lot more advice that way. You caught your daughter and husband in bed! If wouldnt be able to even look at them in the face . What a horrible situation. Id kicked them both out to begin with. What was their reaction? How olds ur daughter? Sorry op... what a mess

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