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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In love with my ex, any chance we will get back together?

64 replies

Marveldc · 09/12/2017 17:50

I broke up with my bf 6 months ago as my life had some issues I needed to sort. We had been together on and off(due to my issues) for 2 years. 5 months ago my ex wanted to see me again and even asked me to be his gf, however a week later he decided he didn’t want to get back together because nothing had changed and I still had the issues I wanted to sort out.
For 4 months we had zero contact. I messaged him the other week to ask if he wanted to meet up for a cuppa to be friends. He said sorry but didn’t think that was a good idea, he is seeing someone. He then went on to ask how me and my kids are and asking how life is. We texted for 2 hours. I said out of respect for his gf I won’t message him but he knows how to contact me.
I feel he is the man for me. Is this it or is there hope he still has feelings for me? He said he didn’t hate me and he thought I might have hated him but I said I don’t.
I really miss him and love him. He’s on my mind every day.
I’m not in a position to move on at the moment and no desire to either as still love my ex.
Any chance we will ever be together again??

OP posts:

Mxyzptlk · 09/12/2017 20:59

I don't want part of the religion but can get my family bk if I go back to the religion for a while, then I will leave again once in favour.

This sounds very dodgy.
You'll pretend to be involved with the religion so your family will speak to you again, then you'll leave it?
Won't they just ditch you again if you do that?

Offred · 09/12/2017 21:04

What I thought when I read that was ‘yeah right as if!’ Religions like that don’t tend to just let you go when you want to, the only reason they do the whole shunning business when you leave is to deprive you of everyone you know and love so that you come back into the religion...

KarmaStar · 09/12/2017 21:13

Hi Marveldc
You've had a traumatic time with a lot of responsibility and not knowing who is going to be there for you.
Once you have sorted out your issues and can finally relax ,take some time then to enjoy your children and your life.think about what you want.what is best for you,not what other people want from you.
Don't wait for this guy to contact you,he might know you're doing that and ,if his relationship ends,contact you again but possibly not for the reasons that are right for you.
Move on,concentrate on your and your children's happy future.
Wishing you every happiness now and in the future 🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

Original poster

Marveldc · 09/12/2017 21:27

The religion issue is a complex one. If I didn't think I could have my family back and break free from the religion I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing. I'm confident I can resolve that issue.
Thank you all for your input, I will take it all on board.
When u look there's actually a lot of people out there that want there exes back so it's not impossible or unheard of having these feelings. Maybe someone feels the way I do. I'm a firm believer if it's meant to be it will be.

OP posts:

Offred · 09/12/2017 21:34

Re the religion, be careful.

I can’t see why, if they are currently shunning you for having left, they would somehow change their minds about that just because you had come back and then left again.

I also don’t see why you would want to reconnect with them if they would shun you just because you left the religion. They have clearly demonstrated that they aren’t friends to you by choosing to shun you.

Original poster

Marveldc · 09/12/2017 21:42

In order to formally shun me they had to have enough evidence to prove I was doing something that I shouldn't be doing, which was easy for them as I was dating someone whilst still married and I wanted a divorce so admitted to adultery.
I wouldn't give them any evidence in the future, yeah I will have to be careful.
If my family ever shun me again for the choices I make then I will give up. But family is important to me and I would like to try and repair that bond. I'm going to move away a bit further in the future to break away from the religion.
I understand your points completely

OP posts:

Offred · 09/12/2017 21:57

I don’t think that is the best way to achieve a happy future for you.

Apart from anything else you will not be able to have any kind of real relationship with any of them if you have to keep yourself so secret from them in fear of shunning.

You will have a much better chance at achieving happiness and security if your draw strength from being your own friend rather than putting energy into trying to keep people who very clearly do not love and care for you in the way you need them to in your life.

Going back into a religion that condones such extreme behaviour is as dangerous as thinking you can go back into an abusive relationship and then just leave again.

Original poster

Marveldc · 09/12/2017 22:03

But if I don't go back to the religion ever my parents, sister, Nan, aunts, uncles, cousins will never speak to me again. I had a fairly close relationship with my sister.
It's messed my head up a lot not having my family in my life.
What would u suggest? Could you never speak to your family ever again?
When u meet someone u love u want to introduce them to your roots, your family, I found that hard with my ex bf and he also found it hard not meeting my family.

OP posts:

Offred · 09/12/2017 22:10

But that is their choice.

You cannot guarantee that they wouldn’t be instructed to shun you if you left again anyway.

They are choosing to comply with the religion’s instructions to shun you. Simply put, the religion that you disagree with and want to leave, matters more to all of them than you do.

The shunning is based on you not abiding by the principles of their church isn’t it? And you would have to pretend that you are abiding by those principles in order to have a relationship with them.

I don’t think you have adequately considered the burden that level of pretending would place on you or the fact that, given they have shunned you once already, they would again in a heartbeat and that that means they are not capable of loving you for who you are - which is what you need from them.

Offred · 09/12/2017 22:12

I’d suggest that you seek some counselling regarding the issue actually before you make a firm decision re going back to it or not.

Offred · 09/12/2017 22:17

I don’t have the exact same experience but I do have catholic parents who abused me as a child because of my atheism and bad mouthed me around town. I understand more than a little about the tension between religious people who believe they need to save your soul and being a child who can never feel loved for who they are because of this kind of obsessive soul saving.

Original poster

Marveldc · 09/12/2017 22:19

You make some valid points. I have been having counselling for all the many issues I have been through including going back to the religion. It's a very complicated situation and a catch 22.
Really there is no certainty but I have seen many people do what I am doing and succeed as regard the religion.
It's not going to be easy I know that but if I have a chance to have a 'normal' life with my family in it I want that.

OP posts:

Offred · 09/12/2017 22:19

What my situation would most adequately be compared to is what you are proposing to do, and it is hard, very very hard.

It’s not as simple as losing them or not losing them but also about the heartache of seeing them but never being able to be valued and respected because the religion always gets in the way.

Offred · 09/12/2017 22:20

I’m very glad you are already having counselling!

Original poster

Marveldc · 09/12/2017 22:26

I'm sorry to hear you have experienced that and continue to feel the tension. It certainly is difficult when you have differing opinions. For me I think it has to be completely off the table, talking religion. I eventually plan to have my own life again, married to someone I love and with my kids. My family won't be in my life daily but knowing they are there when I need them or they need me is important.
I understand like you say they think its in ur best interest that you be a part of that religion. So they mean well and love you to want to save your soul. But are going completely the wrong way about showing love and aren't thinking outside their bubble to see that everyone has free will and can believe whatever makes them happy as long as they aren't hurting others.
It's like banging your head against a wall for sure

OP posts:

Offred · 09/12/2017 22:30

I read this on here once;

‘It is pointless to attempt to explain to someone who has had a home, your constant desire to find belonging in other people’

I can’t remember who posted it but I relate to it so much and it strikes me that your attachment to your recent ex could be related to the above.

I know that I have led a life, up until now, of attributing way too much value to people I have been in relationships with because I never had ‘a home’ with my family of origin due to the religious stuff.

I first realised I didn’t believe in god when I was 7. Rejected Catholicism at 12. It was always clear to me the religion came first.

Offred · 09/12/2017 22:32

(I am now trying to provide myself with a ‘home’)

Offred · 09/12/2017 22:38

We often talk religion BTW, it is not the religious stuff that is hurtful necessarily now (all four of their DC have either turned out atheist or rejected Catholicism, my bro is particularly atheist and just completed his Theologically related PhD) it is the long term damage that has been done to my relationships with my siblings because of my parents’ extreme reaction and how my parents still automatically always regard me as ‘bad’ and untrustworthy all the time which has its roots right back into my childhood when it first became clear I was rejecting their religion.

Original poster

Marveldc · 09/12/2017 22:38

That is an interesting quote.
I can understand how you would feel like you don't belong and at such a young age that must have been so hard to feel like an outsider among family.
A child should not have to feel that way.
I do think I have a big attachment to my ex, he was the one there for me when I had no one else.
Now I have my family, not fully but more than before, I miss my ex and want him back, he made me smile and happy.
I wish I had met him when my life wasn't such a mess

OP posts:

Offred · 09/12/2017 22:41

Shunning is quite extreme and it having happened could have a lasting impact on your relationships with them and their perceptions of you even if you get them back in your life...

And it is very wearing to not be understood and to be regarded with suspicion by those who are meant to be closest to you.

Re my siblings, most of them are quite afraid to share too much with me because they find facing my feelings too painful.

Offred · 09/12/2017 22:43