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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband dating apps- please help

35 replies

robinfoodie · 09/12/2017 17:44

So I was using DH computer to do some work and went on the google taskbar to search for something. When I put in something that started with "m", it put in match.com as a suggestion. I thought maybe this was just being suggested as it is a popular sight so I took a look in the history. Yes looking in his history counts as snooping and I would not normally do this at all but sure enough, a few days back he has looked at match.com, plenty of fish, tinder and something called widow dating. I have literally been having palpitations and am in complete shock. On the one hand, he may have idly looked at these sights out of interest (yes I am probably grasping at straws) but I want to know what I am dealing with. When I went into the match.com website I couldn't find evidence of an account/ saved login details. I haven't been able to look on his computer anymore as he is around. He is very tech-savvy and works in IT so I don't think he would leave anything obvious around and I am not tech-savvy at all.

For background, we have probably never been as happy in our relationship as we are at the moment (I thought?!) and he has never given me reason to suspect him. He is also very busy so I don't know where he would even find the time to meet someone.

Does anyone have any suggestions of how I could look further into whether he has done anything on these sites? I don't want to confront him now in case he then hides something as I want to find out the truth, whatever that is. Should I go on there and make up a fake profile of my own to then try to find his? I am not on them myself obviously and I guess you can't look unless you join.

Can anybody give me any advice? Many thanks in advance.

OP posts:

Original poster

robinfoodie · 09/12/2017 17:53

I would appreciate any advice from anyone? I realise how completely unoriginal this situation is but I'm absolutely shocked. We have gone through some more difficult times earlier this year but have really been working on things and seemed to be getting on better than ever. I'm trying to believe that he would have an innocent reason for looking on these kinds of sites but really need to find out more.

OP posts:

goose1964 · 09/12/2017 18:08

If you have no reason to suspect him could he be looking for a friend?

NotTheFordType · 09/12/2017 18:11

I'm gonna take on face value that he's IT savvy.

How about starting a conversation that says (after any DC are in bed) "Hey - I used your PC earlier to order some food and the first thing that came up in your browser was a load of dating sites. What's that about?"

CandleLit · 09/12/2017 18:11

You need to talk to him. How on earth are strangers on the internet going to know his actions/intentions?

itsalottery · 09/12/2017 18:13

He can't be that I.t. savvy or he'd delete the history. Maybe he has a legitimate reason. I agree you should ask him.

Original poster

robinfoodie · 09/12/2017 18:15

Thanks for your responses. I agree he could (and I really really hope he has) an innocent reason. He is not sociable in general so not looking for a friend, definitely not. It could be related to the IT nature of his job but that's a possible long shot. I would generally discuss things very openly with him but I'm afraid if I just say it (and there's something in it) he will deny it and then really cover his tracks and then I will be left wondering and finding it hard to trust.

OP posts:

Whoneedsaman · 09/12/2017 18:24

Have you checked his phone? Check text messages, emails from the dating sites, Whatsapp or similar messages etc. Also check browsing history on phone. If you think he would deny it if he was guilty and somehow spin it around on you (like mine would) search for more evidence whilst he's unaware that you're looking.

Whoneedsaman · 09/12/2017 18:25

If you can access his phone log online that's a good place to start. Any calls or texts early on a morning or late at night are suspicious.

PaintingByNumbers · 09/12/2017 18:27

The oddest thing is that he didnt even use google incognito or delete the history. To me that means he has been doing it for so long he got careless, or someone else uses his computer, or he really is not tech savvy.

PaintingByNumbers · 09/12/2017 18:28

On his phone, look at the settings at data traffic management. This will tell you what sites he uses most, regardless of deleted history

Original poster

robinfoodie · 09/12/2017 18:31

Thanks for your messages. I agree it probably makes sense to look on his phone, I will wait and try to get hold of it. I don't think anyone else would have been using his computer in the past week. The thing I'm really reeling over is that there are several sites. He was either looking at them as "research" for something work-related (???) or he was really looking and that is what is freaking me out. It's one thing to maybe accidentally click on a link but to purposely look at four different ones? I looked again on his computer just now. I can't get into the app store to find any apps so will need to look on his phone. Does anyone think it is worth me joining a site to look for any profile of his he might have put up? Or is that completely insane?

OP posts:

Original poster

robinfoodie · 09/12/2017 18:34

Painting thank you for that advice. How would I look at the data traffic management on his phone, it is an iphone?

OP posts:

PaintingByNumbers · 09/12/2017 18:37

Hmmm, my husband had an iphone and it was easy to find, maybe settings, mobile data, data usage or something like that. Good luck.

Original poster

robinfoodie · 09/12/2017 18:39

Thank you for taking the time to respond, I am hoping for the best but also freaking out a bit. You just never know, do you?

OP posts:

ImAMarshmellow · 09/12/2017 18:42

You could go onto the site yourself (friends/public pc etc) and physically search for him. So say, search for men in his age bracket in his area etc. May take a bit of work, but if he has profiles on them you'll probably find them.

Whoneedsaman · 09/12/2017 18:45

Hi Robin. Let me know if you figure out how to look at data traffic on I phone. I'm looking now and can't find it.
There's a company (I don't know the name) they search dating sites and social media for anything untoward on your behalf. If you google 'how to find out if my husband is using dating sites' it should bring them up.

PaintingByNumbers · 09/12/2017 18:47

Maybe settings/battery?

Korez · 09/12/2017 18:48

I honestly had to attempt access to sites which should have been restricted (such as porn and gambling) to test restrictions on a few occasions... dating/chat and shopping sites often come under the same category... so it's possibly completely innocent..

Whoneedsaman · 09/12/2017 18:48

That's it Painting, thanks!!

Korez · 09/12/2017 18:49

*for work on work laptop (shoulda said)

PaintingByNumbers · 09/12/2017 18:49

It doesnt tell you google history but it tells you eg lots of time on whatsapp, or snapchat, or uses kik but it doesnt seem to be installed on phone (kik users often uninstall each time)

Pinkpillows · 09/12/2017 18:50

I'd snoop first, before I asked him that way he has No chance to get smarter or delete stuff

I hope there's a innocent explanation and right now I think there is a chance there could be but for your own sanity once and for all snoop to get to the truth then ask him.

Good luck OP

PaintingByNumbers · 09/12/2017 18:51

You could also look on the history of google maps to see if he has been searching anywhere that seems unusual.

Bobbins43 · 09/12/2017 19:17

Sorry, OP, but I really cannot think of why he would be looking at that many dating sites for non dating reasons.

You could always set up a new email account and use it to make profiles on some of these sites and look for him?

Make sure you delete your internet history though

AnonEvent · 09/12/2017 19:30

To see browser data:

Go to settings
Scroll down until you see his most used browser likely Safari (or Chrome if he's installed it)
Click on browser name
Scroll down to Advanced and click that
Click website data

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