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Original poster

Didn’t do as I asked?

56 replies

Nopeno · 09/12/2017 12:59

I was very drunk recently and had a ONS. It’s someone I sort of know, both single. He’d asked a while ago and I’d said no, so knew he may try it on again.

Drunk enough to think fuck it why not.

Anyway I had condoms and the first time told him where they were, must be used and off we went. Through the night I was drifting in and out of drunken slumber and we had sex a few more times.

He left early hours and I woke to a text suggesting I got the morning after. Checked the bin and there were not enough condoms used for the amount we did.

I had sporadically checked verbally he had the pack so I think it’s not really fair I now have had to fuck with my hormones to take the pill and have a trip to a clinic I have NEVER been to in my future with an underlying fear I could have caught anything!

Not on right? I just am feeling increasingly pissed off.

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 12/12/2017 22:15

wow, i really feel for men nowadays Shame on you. She gave her consent to sex with a condom. He knew this. She handed him condoms. She told him he needed to wear one. How much clearer do you think she should have been? Do you think that she should get her sexual partners to sign a contract confirming that they understand that she's only agreeing to sex with a condom? You know, just in case the poor little sausage gets confused and thinks that condom use is only required for the first two times they have sex and then after that, it's no longer required? That's a fucking appalling thing to say and it's attitudes like yours that contribute to so many women failing to report their rapes and sexual assaults.

And what a perfect specimen for you to sympathise with. Not only having sex with a woman while she was in a 'drunken slumber' but ignoring her repeated instructions just because he fancied having sex without a condom. Yeah, it's really him that everyone needs to be feeling sorry for. What a prince amongst men. No sympathy for the OP, who has had to go through a particularly unpleasant experience simply because he ignored her instructions.

Men who behave decently, who don't rape or sexually assault, who don't have sex with semi unconscious women and who listen to their partner's detailed instructions that sex is only on the cards with a condom, don't have anything to worry about 'nowadays'.

bastardkitty · 12/12/2017 22:25

His behaviour was appalling. Some of the comments on this thread are too.

Jobjobjob · 13/12/2017 07:02

*So he was off his face but managed to maintain an erection for three lots of sex? Sure.

And you might not call it rape. The law would beg to differ.

As far as the "feeling sorry for men" comment... fucking seriously? Yeah, how awful for him - look at all the consequences he now faces as a result of ignoring her perfectly reasonable request to have safe sex.*

^^ this

I hope you're ok OP

TDHManchester · 13/12/2017 07:11

Said it before and i will say it again...guys,,,if your with a woman and she has been drinking, think very carefully and keep it in your pants.

Babycham1979 · 13/12/2017 07:21

Maybe he accidentally left with one in condom for some reason. Maybe he panicked because one broke. The presence of only two in the bin doesn't mean much at all.

Those screaming rape are truly disturbing. Yet more infantilisation of adult women. Why is a drunk woman culpable for drink driving but not consenting to sex? Women aren't idiot children who need special care, ffs. Both parties drunk, both parties consented. These things happen.

Sorry for your situation OP. Alcohol and ONSs obviously aren't for you. I hope you feel yourself again soon.

CryptoFascist · 13/12/2017 07:21

TDH DFOD.

WinchestersInATardis · 13/12/2017 07:41

Wow. The comments on here are horrifying.
Firstly, condoms really should be the default for any new sexual encounter unless both parties have discussed safe sex and contraception up front and agreed otherwise.
Not bothering with one without even knowing if your partner is on contraception is hugely irresponsible, never mind the std risk.
Secondly, the OP said 'you have to wear a condom' and then mentioned condoms again. It doesn't get any more direct than that.
No one is that naive to think that when someone says they have to use a condom they only mean for part of the night.
This is a man who knows that's what she wanted and went without anyway, knowing she might be at risk of pregnancy and ignoring any risk of stds from either of them.
And it's utterly ridiculous to expect a woman to repeatedly double check throughout the night whether he's still using a condom after she's said it three times.
OP, I have no idea what I'd do in your situation. I guess it depends on how you feel about him and how far you do want to take it, but at best this was a huge personal violation and he's a disrespectful dick-monkey who needs a short sharp lesson in respecting boundaries and being responsible sexually.
I'm sorry this happened to you.

TDHManchester · 13/12/2017 07:47

Others may know better but im not sure there is criminal case law about consent in sexual intercourse being conditional upon use of condoms.

Consent in this case is all about whether a person who is "penetrated" can consent due to having being under the influence of alcohol.

The law is fairly clear on this i.e if a person is pished ,they cannot consent,,simples

Found this about "stealthing"..a new term for me..

Clearly a fully conscious and aware female would know if a condom were in use or not by the feel/sensation?

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/stealthing-men-remove-condoms-sex-without-consent-during-mid-coitus-a7700906.html

Quartz2208 · 13/12/2017 07:49

Babycham1979 I don’t know why you find it disturbing the law is clear. She did consent to sex with a condom he ignored that specific consent. His message knows he did, because he felt it did not matter and his desire to have sex without one trumped her desire to have sex with.

Then he flippantly tells her to take the MAP pill because he wants unprotected sex but not the potential consequence but it’s fine the woman can cope with that

SnowGlitter · 13/12/2017 07:57

I find these threads really difficult. Not because I think there is a blurring of consent or anything, but because, when adults drink and then have ONS, I think there does have to be a certain understanding that things aren't going to be 'perfect' or 'ideal'.

Alcohol clouds judgement on both sides.

Did he want unprotected sex, or did they just engage in sleepy sex and neither of them gave a second thought to contraception at that point?

LizzieSiddal · 13/12/2017 08:07

What a scum bag! He knew what he was doing.

At the very least I’d send him a very stern text, warning him that what he did was disgusting, that he knew you wanted him to use confirms and he ignored you. Tell him you aren’t going to report him but he may not be so “lucky” next time. And that you recommend he tries not to go around having sex without condoms and against the express instructions of a woman, in future or he could find himself in big trouble.

LizzieSiddal · 13/12/2017 08:08

*condoms

Butterymuffin · 13/12/2017 08:09

Surely one could have been dropped/gone missing accidentally? As Babycham said, it not being in the bin isn't conclusive. Could have been dropped out of sight under the bed?

Butterymuffin · 13/12/2017 08:11

Sorry, just reread the bit about him texting about the MAP.

TammySwansonTwo · 13/12/2017 08:57

No successful case law here in the U.K. But this is very relevant:
www.kingsleynapley.co.uk/insights/blogs/regulatory-blog/case-update-r-on-the-application-of-f-v-the-director-of-public-prosecutions-and-a-2013-ewhc-945-admin

Chippyway · 13/12/2017 09:09

Maybe I’m doing it wrong but how can you have sex with somebody and NOT realise he hadn’t put a condom on?

I mean my partner uses them when my period comes and I always see him put it on - not because I’m checking up on him but because I don’t understand how you can’t see?? I also feel a massive difference between wearing them and not wearing them. Confused

LizzieSiddal · 13/12/2017 09:10

Chippy you do understand that not everyone is the same as you?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 13/12/2017 09:15

You gave clear, enthusiastic consent to sex with a condom. The converse of that is you did not give clear, enthusiastic consent to sex without a condom.

It's stealthing and if it's not classed as rape, it bloody should be. Can't believe some of the comments on this thread.

Actually, that's a lie - I can because I read them all on the countless Ched Evans threads which has paralles - consent to person #1 doesn't equal consent to person #2 and being filmed by persons #3 - 6.

And do you know what TDH so fucking what if men need to keep it in their pants a bit more. Sex isn't a human fucking right.

NataliaOsipova · 13/12/2017 09:28

Said it before and i will say it again...guys,,,if your with a woman and she has been drinking, think very carefully and keep it in your pants.

I think I'd agree with this....although perhaps not for the same reasons as TDH posted it! If someone has been drinking and you don't know them well enough to know whether or not they'd be likely to consent to sex if they were sober, then absolutely you should pass and wait for another opportunity when you are sure of enthusiastic consent. I'm quite happy to be told I'm old fashioned, but that used to be called being a gentleman/not taking advantage. And if I had sons, I wouldn't think that was a bad message to give them. (Does the tea analogy apply here? Don't make someone a cup of tea if you're not sure they are sober enough to drink it without scalding themselves? Not sure!)

TammySwansonTwo · 13/12/2017 09:32

Yeah! Keep it in your pants so you don't get prosecuted!

Or, you know, keep it in your pants because that woman may not be able to consent and no regular guy wants to be a rapist.... right? Or perhaps this is just the sort of mentality that leads many guys to rape and assault women as long as they can get away with it.

Stex · 13/12/2017 09:58

She made it clear she wanted to use condoms, and handed them to him, before they had penetrative sex. This is a very clear stance imo, if she wanted safe sex the first time in a session - why would she not want the same safe sex an hour, two hours, three hours etc later? He also clearly had the mental acuity and physical dexterity to put one on the first time, and the mental acuity to do,so the second time, and the mental acuity to know he didn't the other times - so he clearly knew what he was doing.

Would also be concerned about the blood.

As an aside, I'm a man, and thoroughly appalled at the behaviour of this guy. Best wishes OP.

Original poster
Nopeno · 13/12/2017 10:33

Thank you, to answer some questions:

There was more than 3 times, I just actively asked 3 times, the other I was asleep and woke up. Stupid me assumed he’d have one on. No I couldn’t tell. Yes I normally could. Yes he knew as he texted after “I used 3, we did it x times” I asked why there weren’t enough there.

Consent - yes I consented, I was involved. Would I have done it sober? Probably not as he already asked a couple of times sober a few months ago and I’d turned him down. But things sound like a good idea after a few gins when you never drink.

How do I feel? Like an idiot who has acted in a way I shouldn’t? I won’t do/say anything because maybe he really was just drunk and stupid too.

OP posts:
TammySwansonTwo · 13/12/2017 10:58

One of the times you were asleep? The most generous interpretation of all this is that this guy has a serious lack of regard for boundaries and honestly needs to be more careful. I fully understand that you don't want to and won't be reporting his behaviour but you could. This guy is a complete dick and is putting himself at serious risk of arrest if he behaves this way generally. And that's not even getting into the possible impact of his actions on the women he's with. And a man who has sex more than three times in a night is unlikely to be so incapacitated by alcohol that he doesn't understand what you meant and wanted.

This is why I get annoyed when people say that all rapes are deliberate and normal guys would never do such a thing. I guarantee that this guy doesn't think he's guilty of a crime here, he could be in for a shock if he continues behaving this way.

Personally I'd be pointing out to him exactly what he's done here, and then I'd be going for an STI check. So sorry you're having to deal with this because of his selfishness.

MrsDilber · 13/12/2017 11:04

It wasn't rape (not directed at OP) but shitty behaviour none the less. I couldn't make out if you'd asked him out right if he'd used a condom each time or not?

Had you started your period, is that where the blood came from?

Quartz2208 · 13/12/2017 11:09

The act of stealthing (removal or not wearing a condom when asked) is something which now (or once it is ratified under the ECHR) which turns a consensual act (sex with a condom) into a non consensual one: it is a big thing in Human Rights at the moment to try and increase the rights of women.

Sorry OP for derailing your thread