Stepkids and Christmas presents

[Lollabonk]

DP and I have been together for 4 years and have a two year old.

He has a 4 year old dd from a previous relationship who stays at weekends and I have 3 dc between 6 and 11 who live with us full time.

This us the first Christmas we’ll all be spending together. I have gone to great pains to make sure his child has and equal amount of presents and an equal amount of money spent.

A dsd is spending Christmas with us my mum has made her a stocking along with the other children.

His father and stepmother have given presents. There were two huge ones for dsd, one small one for our youngest child and a box of chocolates for me, DP and my dc to share.

I told DP that I wanted to make sure none of the kids felt left out and he flew off the handle saying I needed help, was grabby and greedy and should get medication from the GP. He then said I provoked him to react like that.

I just feel that we’re either a family or we’re not. If we are then the kids should be treated the same.

Your dp is the problem.

Your DP is a bully.

That is NOT good at all. Is he usually like this about DSD?

Your dp is the problem. In your home/ your xmas your children and your step children should all get the same value.

His reaction is unacceptable.
I wonder though if there is a sensitivity because his daughter is only there some weekends whilst your children live with you both full time. Is there an element if "making it up" to his daughter for the lost time?
It's really lovely of your mum to make her up a stocking but if she wasn't going to be there for Christmas, would your mum still have done it?

Well he gets very defensive about her... He said I was basically saying his stepmothers gift to my dc ‘wasn’t good enough’ and he’d never seen this side of me.

We had a massive row and I’m seriously considering leaving him.

Forget about stockings and fairness and stuff.

Do you hear the way he spoke to you????

Wait. You have been together 4 years and he has a 4 year old?

No my mum wouldn’t have done it otherwise. But if we weren’t all going to be together I wouldn’t expect his dad and stepmum to either.

He said they asked him what to get my dc and he said oh just a small thing to share... not sure if that’s true or not...

He's awful for the way he's treated you.

Not sure the presents are an issue.

Two big presents for a 4yo vs a small one for a 2yo - to me, no issue - I found more things I wanted to get my child as she got older, and at 2 and 4 they're not going to compare.

Not getting for your kids... well, do they spend time with your kids? Are they involved in your family as grandparents? Is it reasonable that they would think it's a blended family with present combinations coming from all sorts of places? So they might think your older 3 get 2 lots of presents (you and their dad).
I don't think it's definitely bad not to get equal presents for all, as long as they did accept you managing the present opening if it did look unfair overall.

He's not got excuse for telling you to get medication!

What are you going to do?

Sounds like you’ve gone out of your way to ensure it’s all ‘fair’. It’s a shame your DP doesn’t appreciate that!

These can be very awkward times, and not everyone thinks the way you do OP. You sound like a very nice person and deserve more than you are getting at the moment.

I totally agree with you.

If my partner spoke to me like that he would be gone.

Not to be funny but I really can't get worked up about this. I doubt his parents see your kids as "family" so I don't think it's a massive deal that they've only bought them a token gift to share and bought the children that they're related to bigger gifts. I think it's fine.

It’s more the way he spoke to me. Also upset at the way he went on the attack, especially given the topic.

I don’t know, I’m seriously considering ending the relationship.

I dont think your children ahould be treated the same as their actual grandchildren tbh. Youre not married. Do they spend time together?

I dont think there should be a huge disparity between the gifts of your step child child and your youngest though.

Also has your dp got all the children gifts?

But mainly your partner’s response was unacceptable.

How does he have a 4 year old if you've been together 4 years?

He spoke to you terribly and that's what I'd be angry about - the presents not so much.

I doubt you'd be considering ending it over a single incident. (which is not to say it isn't fine to end it over one incident!) So I'm guessing you have been unhappy before now?

It all moved rather quickly, so I'm guessing you're seeing the real him a bit late now

The presents thing all sound fair enough. You can try and be as fair as you want but you can't really insist from other people

BUT the way he has treated you is so out of order you should tell him that you're considering ending the relationship because of it, you don't really give a toss about the presents but about the disrespect and bullying behaviour which is a deal breaker...

It's not hard to imagine how they've been together 4 years and he has a 4 year old. Obviously they met when she was a baby or the ex was pregnant. Not unusual.

We got together when his dd was 9 months old. He split up with her mother before she was born.

No we aren’t married. I don’t know if things would be any different if we were.

You mentioned him being defensive of his daughter. Have disagreements like this cropped up before?
Has he paid for or contributed to your eldest threes gifts? I'm wondering if he feels like he/his family has been generous enough already.
I'm not excusing his actual behaviour/what he said btw. I still think that was disgusting.

You as a family can ensure fairness in the amount/expense of presents (it doesn't have to be equal, your 11 year old might have more spent on them than the 2 year old). But you can't dictate what family members spend. I don't think you can enforce equality.

Do you know why they bought your children just chocolates? Do they not view your children as family? Maybe they feel they don't know them enough to know what they will like, or they will be getting presents from your mum and their dad's side of the family?

The present issue is a red herring. All couples argue. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong in this particular case.

What is alarming and has alarmed the OP is the manner in which her H has argued with her, particularly the personal insults and accusation that she needs medication because she disagreed with his opinion.

So he split up with his first child's mother when she was pregnant and had another baby on the way with you when you'd been dating less than 18 months?

I suspect his father/stepmother aren't mentally investing much in your older children because they don't think they'll be a permanent feature in their lives.