Stepkids and Christmas presents

[Lollabonk]

DP and I have been together for 4 years and have a two year old.

He has a 4 year old dd from a previous relationship who stays at weekends and I have 3 dc between 6 and 11 who live with us full time.

This us the first Christmas we’ll all be spending together. I have gone to great pains to make sure his child has and equal amount of presents and an equal amount of money spent.

A dsd is spending Christmas with us my mum has made her a stocking along with the other children.

His father and stepmother have given presents. There were two huge ones for dsd, one small one for our youngest child and a box of chocolates for me, DP and my dc to share.

I told DP that I wanted to make sure none of the kids felt left out and he flew off the handle saying I needed help, was grabby and greedy and should get medication from the GP. He then said I provoked him to react like that.

I just feel that we’re either a family or we’re not. If we are then the kids should be treated the same.

I’ve bought all the presents for all of them. He’s got mine and hid dd one (thoughtful) present each. I expect he’ll offer to reimburse me for his dd’s presents though.

He's not responsible for what his parents buy. He does not control his parents

Is this bad treatment the tip of the iceberg? A regular occurrence?

Really, a guy who ditches a woman who is pregnant with his child is not father/partner material. Now you've had a kid with him so you'll need to try get him in line for their sake, especially for Xmas, but I don't like your chances. Talk to him and if he ever talks to you so awfully again you should rethink the relationship entirely.

He tells me that I’m grumpy, cold, rude, humourless, miserable or something along those lines in some form or another pretty much daily. He compliments me on the way I look though so therefore doesn’t see the problem

I am there has been previous issues/arguments about the kids for him to make that comment as that isn't something you would just say out of the blue. And to his parents they probably just see you as a woman there son has met who has kids. So it's understandable that they wouldn't be treating them the same IMO. ( I mean just imagine the extra cost they would have to pay to buy from your 3 dc as you actually have more kids than their actual grandkids)

Am= assume*

Oh come on!
You don't know who ditched who.
And even if he ditched the ex, it could have been an accidental pregnancy and they weren't right together.

I judge him more for deciding to have a baby with another woman when he hasn't been with her long, especially when already had had one pregnancy not turn into a committed loving family.

OP, he sounds like a nasty shit.

I'd be grumpy, cold, humourless and miserable if I realised I'd shackled myself to an arsehole like him.

Just dump him

I don't think you are over reacting. I've been with my partner for 6 years and I had a 6 year old when we met. We now have a 4 and 1 year old together. His family (mother, siblings and partners) all gift my daughter to the same value children if she will be there too. It's age dependent really and would be different if they were teens, but your 6 year old would likely be really upset by that.

Last weekend some of DP's friends came round we hardly ever see. I was anxious when they said they'd bought presents for the kids as my eldest looked so excited and I assumed there wouldn't be anything for her, but there was from both of them and of equal value. This was childless adults who don't know much about kids. If they can get it right then your step MIL should be able to.

I hope your OH has apologised?

Apologising won't be enough.

I’m glad you’re seriously considering leaving him because you absolutely should.

I was the random child - my dad left my mum when I was v young, he then later entered a relationship with my now sm.
There’s an awful lot behind, but I’m at an awkward age that I’m in a ‘mid-generational%’ position.
Once my DSis came along, they got way more impressive & expensive presents than I got, but their maternal grandparents weren’t mine (although to be fair, they used to welcome me to their home, and still remember me now).
They have benefited from semi-private education & uni, so much money - I have done ok in my profession although it has all been self /employer funded - my Dad hasn’t actually contributed towards any fees or expenses.
Sorry, it’s bloody hard.

Wow..he sounds like an absolute charmer! Don’t you want to spend your life with somebody who is actually nice to you? He isn’t. Really, what’s in this for you if he talks to you like this?

I would leave. He sounds awful.

So he left another woman pregnant and you thought it would be the best decision to have a child with him after only 18 months of dating???

The presents are a red herring. His family can buy what they like. They don't have to buy for their sons girlfriends children and a token gift of chocolates is what many would have given. You're not married and he could walk away at any point. If he had adopted them it would be different.

He said they asked him what to get my dc and he said oh just a small thing to share... not sure if that’s true or not...
So he told them not to get your DC presents when they asked? Doesn't sound like he is bothered about fairness.

I would not be at all happy about his verbal abuse of you when you raised the issue

He sounds like an arse and the way he spoke to you is unacceptable.

But you can't dictate how his family buy gifts for your children from a previous relationship. You and he and your children from both of your various relationships are a family and you should treat all the children the same. You can't direct his family to do the same.