Can I ask for a hand hold? It's all gotten too much :(

[HazelnutMocha]

This is going to sound really silly compared to a lot of other peoples' problems but I'm sitting here in tears trying to look after my newborn and toddler. Also apologies it is so long, it has just happened a couple of hours ago and I've not really got my head on straight.

DP has ongoing issues with depression and anxiety. We have a 3 week old son and a 2 year old daughter. He has not been medicated (well, medicated by a doctor anyway) for his depression before and started very recently on sertraline, which is making him extremely drowsy to the point of not being able to function. This has been a little difficult for me to deal with as I have to deal with the newborn and my 2 year old most of the time. Frankly it's also quite upsetting seeing him basically become a zombie version of himself. He just moves around the house literally falling asleep where he stands.

It's a few of nights in a row now that I've been doing all the waking up with the newborn and he is still waking every 2 hours or so a night. My toddler then gets up and it's all go for the rest of the day until 8pm. I'm really tired and he has a few good hours from morning til late afternoon/evening where he is normal, so yesterday and this morning I asked him if he could please grab the toddler some juice and cereal (she then settles down herself watching TV so is no hassle) and feed the baby a bottle. Yesterday was met with a bit of frustration and, I;m not sure what the right word is, sort of scepticism as to why I would need him to do that or why I might need a couple of hours of unbroken sleep.

Last night was even worse; DD was terrified of the wind and wanted me to stay in her bed with her. She was up a few times and between her and the baby I was basically up all night. At 9:30am, I asked if he could do the baby's feed when he woke up naturally and he said okay, but then handed me the milk and sat down with the laptop. I was obviously upset by this; he is showing no appreciation whatsoever for the fact that I was taking on all of the housework and childcare - it seemed really out of character. Despite his flaws I would say we are really in love and good at being considerate and thoughtful to eachother, and we are really happy in eachother's company.

I was upset, tired, hormonal, but fed and settled the baby and tried to go to sleep since DP was there with DD. I can't even remember what it was as I was so tired but he was stressing at me as I was falling asleep because he had tried to touch me or something and I had told him I was upset with him for not helping me at all with the baby. When I woke up he was being very sombre and silent with me. He was clearly annoyed that I had called him out at being IMO inconsiderate and he then gave me the cold shoulder, which he does whenever we have an altercation. I hate this, it goes on for ages with both of us being grumpy and me being extra upset and frustrated because I just want to talk about our feelings, address any issues and move on, go back to being a happy couple. He never wants to do this, he prefers to wait around silently and then eventually just start talking again. I really don't like it, but we don't come to this often.

However this morning I was at the end of my tether. I was getting more and more upset as he was making out it was his depression/treatment that was causing me to be off with him, saying I was resentful of him, when all I wanted was for him to fucking acknowledge that it would have been nice of him to let me have a couple of hours sleep and now the day is again ruined because we're going to have hours of not speaking.

I for the first time called him out on him shutting down when I'm upset about his behaviour, and he eventually (after a long time of not saying anything while I tried to have a conversation and explain that I of course wasn't mad at him because of the depression, but that it is hard to deal with the kids by myself and try and look after him too) did something I really didn't expect.

He flipped out, got up, threw my laptop, and start yelling at me at the top of his voice, calling me names, amongst them he said "You're a piece of shit, I fucking hate you" :( My 2 year old DD was pottering around us; I had my newborn son in my arms. All I can see is him towering over me and yelling like that :( He has never in our five year relationship called me a name. He has never ever said anything like "I hate you". And all in front of our little children.

Am I over reacting to feel like I can't cope with staying with him? The pain and fear he caused me by acting like that, and especially in front of my tiny children, is making me feel so sick and distressed. I always said I would never put up this kind of treatment, I'd never put up with someone calling me names or making me feel afraid, or put up with someone who was willing to act anything like this in front of my children.

We've spent so much time so loved up and talking about the future, what we will do when our kids are older, planning holidays and experiences and life plans. And it feels like with just a few words it's all come crashing down around me. The pain the thought of leaving him causes in unbearable but at the moment I can't see any way past this. It was so scary and horrible :(

I'm posting partly to ask what you would do in this situation to see if I'm hugely over reacting, partly to remind myself how much he hurt and scared me in that moment so I don't minimise it to myself later, and partly to distract myself if anyone manages to read all of it and post some replies.

I lived with a man for years who had depression and everything was generally fine for a long time, in my experience once they cross a line there is little going back.

In hindsight I should have got really, really, bloody angry the first time instead of trying to pacify and make things OK, laid it on the line that it was completely unacceptable and wouldn't be tolerated and made it totally his problem to deal with.

Mine escalated rapidly and I had to finally leave him this recently as every bit of love and respect had vanished from my side and I hated our life together.

My advice is find your anger. Hope you get some sleep, it's soul crushing.

It sounds like he’s not on the rights meds. I’ve been through this with my husband who is far from perfect but a pretty calm person normally - depression can make people ugly and the wrong meds can make it worse.

It might be you need to tell him to get back to GP and tell him because if the kids you can’t look after him right now and he needs to sort himself out and come back.

For us I did find that big life changes always really affected my husband so when I need him most I can’t count on him, ie when we got married, each time we had a child. Sounds like he is useless but Once the pressure eases he is a great husband and father.

You seem to tolerate a lot of moodiness and bad behaviour if he was like this at the beginning of the relationship. Maybe due to you having a "high functioning alcoholic" for a dad?

Oh love, what a horrible thing to experience. I remember those early days with a newborn and a toddler and even with the world's most supportive partner, it still feels beyond exhausting, so I can only imagine how tough it feels right now to be doing most of the parenting on your own.

I don't really have any advice other than yes, go to your parents and if your dad is less than welcoming, be honest and say that you need their support.

I can't talk with any knowledge of how badly depression can dictate behaviour, but it sounds like your partner refuses to ever take any responsibility for his own actions. Do you think his depression is his excuse for doing less than he should and acting badly? His words were cruel and hateful and he needs to apologise, not pretend he can't remember them. Stay strong lovely, he needs to start growing up and having some accountability.

Sending love and strength

If this kind of thing continues or indeed escalates, his depression will always be the excuse for his behaviour. I am the daughter of someone who used their mental health problem as a shield to defend their abusive behaviour. It started in our home when I was the newborn, unfortunately for my dsis, she was 9 and saw everything.

Please don't allow yourself to feel guilty and responsible for his happiness if he cannot bring himself to acknowledge how he's behaving is wrong.

I really hope you can have some unbroken sleep soon too, it sounds like such hard work on top of dealing with this

Hermione he has previous experience of treating me in the way that makes me so upset if he has done something wrong (i.e. stonewalling me) He has never acted like this, but then I have never called him out on this either, so I don't know what to make of it.

Adalind I hope he genuinely just can't comprehend how hurtful it is to know he has watched me break down like that after shouting and has absolutely no inclination to make sure I'm okay. If anything hes sort of acting like I'm the one in the wrong, although the messages are too short to say that for sure, he could just be feeling shit. He did have a tear on his cheek when I opened the door to him. I just don't know what to make of all this :(

Agree with luxury woman though - don’t let him treat you badly or it can become a downward spiral.

Whether it's the medication/depression or not, it is unacceptable to behave like that to you. What's the housing situation like? Can you ask him to leave? He obviously needs to see GP but also needs to acknowledge what he's done.

You are sleep deprived with a tiny baby and a toddler. Find someone, a friend, your Mum to come and watch the kids while you grab some much needed sleep. You'll also think clearer

Sertraline can cause significant worsening of anxiety, depression and even suicidal thoughts. This is written in all of the in-pack literature and the GP should have mentioned it too. It might be the case that it is not the right medication for him or that the dosage is inappropriate. Either way he should get an urgent appointment but this will depend on him realising that he has a problem.

My ex used to speak —shout— at me like that. If anyone spoke like that to me now it would be a deal breaker. Tell him you want him out until he gets his head straight. That is not the actions of a caring husband and father, and as such he doesn’t deserve you three.

www.peoplespharmacy.com/2011/07/18/drugs-that-trigger-violent-behavior/

Thank you all so much for being here to talk to me, it is truly helping

@tictoc76 I do think you may be on to something there; he is a great partner and father usually but things got bad in my first pregnancy too, despite him being really happy. I know I shouldn't make excuses for him too much but he did have a really awful childhood and never had support from anybody. His first long term relationship (I am his second) was also shitty so he has gone from unhappy home life to unhappy home life.

@Getonthearkunicorn thank you so much for the kind post, I have a tendency to neglect myself and wallow when he disappears (hasn't done so for years but I remember this feeling well). The difference this time is I don't know if I can stand for him to come back.

I know it could be the meds, and he was planning on making an appointment today for the drowsiness, but I just feel like I have always supported him unconditionally, even through some pretty shitty and inconsiderate behaviour, and have worked through years of self destructive tendencies to get to what I finally thought was a good, positive place. My heart can't help but ache for him too as I know it was hard for him and have seen him change so much in that respect.

I was prescribed Sertraline a year or so ago. I can honestly say it changed my personality, I was vile, angry, hysterical. I was taken off it immediately my GP saw what a reaction I had had to it. ( I stuck with it for 3 bloody weeks!) I cant explain just how awful it made me feel. Within a day or so I was back to my normal self
Not making excuses for his behaviour but just wanted to share that in my experience this drug was horrendous

Gosh I am now very scared for him being on his own :( is there any way I can make a GP appointment for him? But how do I make him attend? He has now stopped messaging me :( I'm really panicking now, he has only been prescribed 50mg of sertaline but they do seem to affect him awfully. He was saying that despite the drowsiness he could see how they could work for him as he usually has really bad social anxiety when on his own and he said he was actually okay with talking to people?

FFS sorry for the constant name back and forthing; I have forgotten and can't figure out how to reset my password so even though my MN is logged in I can't change my username on the actual account page, so it keeps reverting back to the other name :/

My ex never used to remember horrible things he had said and done too. The point was to avoid taking responsibility for them and to make me feel like I was crazy and wrong whenever I was upset.

I really relate to this;

‘All I can see is him towering over me and yelling like that’

10 months of being out of the relationship and I can still see in my minds eye as clear as day the same thing. It happened repeatedly though, I have all these stored traumatic memories of towering, red faced, raging, shaking fists man from each time...

You are not silly or overreacting to feel so traumatised by it.

Thank you @namechange2222 I think maybe I should bear this in mind. I feel awful to say it but it was almost a relief when he left, after the initial shock; it is so hard feeling like I have to take care of him as well as the babies and being so worried about our future. But I know the man I thought I was with would be with me thick and thin if it was the other way around; he was amazing when my contraceptive pill gave me months of severe anxiety and panic attacks before I realised what was causing it :(

I have always supported him unconditionally, even through some pretty shitty and inconsiderate behaviour, and have worked through years of self destructive tendencies to get to what I finally thought was a good, positive place.

This makes me think this is more to do with who he is (probably as a result of his childhood) than to do with the sertraline TBH.

Sertraline made me seriously unwell too though.

Why have you supported and loved him unconditionally through him being a shit towards you? That sends the message that him being a shit towards you is ok...

I'm not excusing your DP's behaviour for a moment OP, but my DH was on sertraline earlier this year, and it was utterly awful. We'd have entire conversations he would have no recollection of, he'd be doing stupid, dangerous things without being able to comprehend the danger like a massive toddler, there were times I was sure he'd suffered a head injury as he was so out of it and I couldn't have any kind of communication with him. It was distressing and demoralising, and I didn't have a tiny newborn and a toddler to deal with. Please ask somebody to come and help you, outline exactly what his behaviour has been like, and ask him to go back to the GPs urgently.

And re this; he was amazing when my contraceptive pill gave me months of severe anxiety and panic attacks before I realised what was causing it

Did you avoid your family responsibilities, treat him aggressively and then blame him for your behaviour during this time?

Some things are understandable but also unacceptable, you don’t have to tolerate bad treatment just because there are reasons behind it.

You have toddler and newborn. You need practical support.
Go to your mum's.
Your dp has his own problems and you can't rely on him right now.
Call gp and report the incident so it is logged on your records. Gp is then made aware.
Your priority is you your baby and toddler.

Right now you can't also take care of dp and if he is violent for whatever reason someone else has to deal.with that.
Tell him to back to gp urgently.

Take yourself and dc to a safe place where you can get moral.support from.your mum .and no throwing things .

I understand exactly what you're saying Offred, and I'm so sorry about what happened to you with your ex. Why do they think this is ever okay, don't they understand how awful and frightening it is? :(

It's just so confusing, I stuck with him because when he was good, he was really good, and when he was shitty, it was more like externalised shittiness, never directed at me or made to feel it was my fault, but shitty all the same - mainly in the form of going out drinking on his own when he was in a slump but not communicating, leaving me to worry when it would have been so easy to have me not worry. So when he came back the next day, he would inevitably be very apologetic in his behaviour , and erm, quite passionate about being back home with me. It was a cycle we went through for a while. I was always livid though, I never made him feel like okay at the time, but then again I always (with lots of showering with love and affection and presents on his part) let him come back.

Then when we had our little DD and all the bad stuff between us went away, he never did anything to cause me worry, and things have been great regarding our relationship (i.e. despite his depression), for over 2.5 years now. And now this - what the fuck?

He needs therapy, that's really what he needs. He needs to be able to deal with his past but he also needs to be able to be more emotionally available with words. He's great at saying you're beautiful, I love you etc, and he's great at saying why, but getting him to apologise for anything with actual words rather than just being nice is really difficult. And that is frustrating because I don't like the fact he is unable to acknowledge when he has done wrong, especially now he is a father.

I didn't want to make the OP any longer but I feel like this would ruin his life, I;m so torn as to what to do.

You are not responsible for his happiness. You are not responsible for his shitty past either - as upsetting as it is, it's not your fault and you shouldn't be treated poorly because of it.

Aggression is one of the known side effects of sertraline - the GP definitely needs to know that the medication is causing your DH such problems.