How did your relationship survive a newborn?!

[ginfizzliz]

Our baby is nearly three months old and I'm starting to get concerned that our relationship can't survive parenthood. A thought that never occurred to me before.

The little one doesn't sleep great so I'm permanently tired. She's EBF, but there have been challenges getting her to latch and feed well and my partner simply cannot understand why it's so important to me and why I get upset when my daughter refuses to latch (she has a nipple shield preference that I've managed to wean her off but we used a dummy last night to see if she'd sleep longer and I'm worried we've gone back a step).

Obviously we never have time just me and him and our life revolves around the baby. This is fine as we both adore her, and obviously she's too young for it to be otherwise, but how do we manage differences in opinion regarding how to look after her?

After a rough night that included tense words between us he's come home from work early to give me a nap and said that we have to sort things out better as his friend at work is nearly splitting up with his missus because of parenting differences. Which I think is a really shitty thing to say and just makes me feel as though I have to be perfect all the time or he's going to think it's a massive problem rather than just an inevitable part of having a tiny baby.

Honestly, it depends how your opinions on parenthood differ op. He is right in that you need to talk though. You must keep communicating.

I know it's hard as we have a 6 week old and finding any time for us is impossible!

He came home early to give you a nap which is a lovely thoughtful thing to do. Some men spend less time at home when a baby is born not more.
Also I don't think it's a shitty thing to say, he sees a colleague's relationship unravelling and wants to make sure that doesn't happen to you. His heart's in the right place.

It's tough and a lot of couples don't get through it. However most do.

Do the obvious: sleep at every available opportunity, even if it's just for 20 minutes or so. The housework can go to hell. Don't commit to any other responsibilities. Don't try to be supermum. Arguments are inevitable as you're both exhausted, don't take things to heart.

It will get better. You will muddle through. It may take a year but you will get through it and will start to get your life back.

Good luck.

Don't play the 'I'm more tired than you' game because no one will win. Accept you both have different ideas and it's generally worth trying something new if xyz isn't working. Equally if something is working then don't try something else for the sake of it!

ginfizzliz: Communication is the key for sure, don't get into competitions over who is the most tired etc. Does he ever wake up in the night too?
Could you express and see if the baby will take a bottle? I know you don't want to confuse the baby, but I wish I did this with my first (I did with my second). Then perhaps on a weekend he could give a bottle pre bed, or in the morning to give you a lie in.

EBF is hard, you need to talk calmly. It doesn't sound like you are particularly disagreeing about parenthood, but he is right to try and talk about it by talking about his friend in a way.

I wish more people talked about how difficult adjusting to a new baby is. Its tough on all parties with the change in dynamics. Talk, talk, talk! And it doesn't last forever!

Our marriage seems to have survived so far, although our little boy wasn't too hard (bugger knows how people with high needs babies, health issues or multiples survive and single parents should just have sainthoods handed to them right away. I'm in awe of them all)

I think the main thing we did was to try to always out the other person first and try to maximise sleep for all concerned. In reality this meant I did all night wakings and would only wake my husband if I was on my knees, but from 6-7am until 8, when he had to leave for work, he took him downstairs so I got at least some undisturbed sleep every day, and EVERY Saturday and Sunday I got undisturbed sleep from 7am until 10. So he got undisturbed nights, but early mornings, and I knew I'd get the chance to catch up.

Being kind to each other - just ensuring the other person has a cup of tea, or ensuring they get a bit of down time.

We did have a few tearful arguments, one memorable one where we were arguing the same point, but didn't hold anything against each other that was said in the midst of sleep deprivation.

Lots of communication, so you know how the other person feels, and they can react appropriately.

It does get better, it just seems a long way off when you're in the thick of it.

Soon they'll go to bed at 7 and you'll get your evenings back - that really helps.

Put the phones down and just watch tele together for one show when you can.

He needs to listen to you. You’re full of hormones, you’re the one breast feeding, your exhaustion is worst.

But also - the arguments for the first six months don’t count. They really don’t. You’re both under enormous stress. Hang on in there. Try to reconnect to the love you have for each other, try to be a team.

I hope the chat goes ok.

It is incredibly stressful, and really puts a strain on even the best of relationships. I agree with others, communication is key. Willingness to compromise and valuing each other's opinions even when you don't agree with them. You can disagree without arguing if compromise and kindness is involved- that's easier said than done, when exhausted, I know.

I don't think that your dh has tried to upset you with his comment- you are obviously worried about the pressure on your marriage; so is he. He is expressing his determination not to follow the path he's seen a friend follow and wants to work together through this with you. You middle through and it does get better.

it is a very hard time in a marriage - and people don't really talk about it much so it can come as quite a shock. My sister said to me that the first year after the first baby is generally the hardest year in a couple's marriage and I would agree.

The things that really changed the way we enjoyed being parents were:

1. be kind and presume the best of the other person. So, for example, instead of thinking he saying you have to be perfect when he spoke to you and thinking it is a shitty thing to say, presume that since he is a decent man whom you picked and love, he didn't mean to say this but meant what he said - that he wants your marriage to survive.

Really, if you just assume the best of him rather than the worst, it will stop a lot of resentment and make you able to communicate better. Obviously he should do the same

1. Give up on having your old life for a while and embrace what you have now. forget long reads of the paper and cups of hot coffee in bed etc. Instead go out together for walks with the baby or go to the playground. I mourned for my old way of life for a good while - I was happier once I accepted things are different now and enjoyed the new life

It gets easier once the feeding gets better and you get more sleep. honestly.

I think he's doing the right thing (though perhaps not expressing it in the best possible way )suggesting that you sit down and talk about things. What do you see as your main points of disagreement?

The Gottman Institute at the University of Washington in Seattle, Washington USA can predict to 87% accuracy which newlyweds will stay married or split up after studying thousands of couples. Gottman's books on relationships are fascinating ad they are based on thousands of hours of interviews with couples that they follow for years.

They have found that having the first baby is a game changer for couples and is the biggest challenge to the relationship that couples face. You might want to Google some of their studies or read their books, really interesting and helpful. I read this years ago but I do remember that one problem was that it forces couples into gender roles often for the first time; as when the baby comes the male and female are doing different things. This can particularly strain relationships where the wife thought she was in an egalitarian marriage but the husband does not follow through once a new baby arrives.

Honestly OP, it did nearly break ours. there was a particularly bad time at around 4 months when I was suddenly taken very ill and hospitalised. DH was freaked out by my being so ill, offended I was so upset at being separated from our baby (he felt I didn't trust him) objected to what I needed (seeing our baby as much as possible in the day - he felt I should have been focusing on getting better). We fought every day I was in hospital. I felt he profoundly let me down and planned to leave him when I was able.

I didn't say this out loud, but I think my behaviour in the next few months showed it. I think he realised I was checking out, didn't want that and he backed down on some issues (like you, how to feed: he accepted my choice to breast feed). Things were bad for a while but we hung on in there. As life improved we worked through our issues and disputes.

First DC is now four, and he told me recently and spontaneously that he realised he'd got a lot of things wrong during the early months. That meant the world to me and has enabled me to not just live with how he behaved, but forgive him for it.

things to consider:

• honestly his role should be to support you to do this, to do the admin and housework while you care for the baby. Yes change etc. But he doesnt' get to dictate whether you breast feed. If you want to, do it. His job is to help you to do that.

• think many men struggle with this lack of control. they like to do stuff and fix things. So in his head, he is probably thinking, breast feeding looks hard, if we bottle fed I could do some feeds, let's change. That works for some people, but it's a bad reason to stop if you want to carry on. he needs to learn to accept that you have the power here, and his job is to facilitate. Men are not socialised to think this so can find it difficult. See also: birth choices.

I flatly refused to budge on this and although he argued it out at the time, I think in retrospect DH agrees I was right, sees why I fought for it etc. However he was a shocker for prioritising his own needs (taking a nap at weekends when I was the one that had been up for hours feeding). I was very angry about this at the time, but have got much better and articulating, and serving, my own needs. DH has got better at asking and fulfilling what I need.

• know that this phase won't last forever. the baby will sleep more, feed less, and some alone time and together time will come back. that's hard to believe while you are in it, for both of you.

• agree talking is key. Might be worth doing it in writing? When I went back to work DH and I had a lot of things out, but over email. Gave me time to think about what I really wanted to stay, and him time to read what I had said and really reflect on it. And vice versa. Moved us forwards faster than discussions would. I also send DH parenting articles to back my approach. He doesn't read much about parenting, but will read what I send him.

e.g. send your DH some articles on breast feeding, that articulate why it matters, and how he can help you. Ahaparenting.com, la leche league, Kelly mom are all places to look.

above all you both have to want to hang in there. During the first two years, there were times I;m sure that both of us considered getting out. But we dug deep and stayed even when we were at odds. time has passed, we've kept talking and we've both grown and changed a lot. Dh more than me if I'm honest - he comes from a very rigid and controlling home. He wanted to do things differently, but struggelled with the reality of that. But has reflected on it and changed a lot. And I love him all the more for having the courage to do that.

Thank you so much for your replies. I've read through them after my nap and it's helped me feel more positive.

It's interesting how you mainly don't think what he said about his colleague was that shitty...thanks for giving me a different perspective!

So new mission for me...communicate communicate communicate. And try to keep in mind that these rough newborn days will pass. I can't wait until we can start weaning her and he can hopefully feel a bit more involved.

Thanks again for the input. It's funny how real life mates tend to just agree with you and join in on a bitch fest but on here you get a really different point of view!

Successful breastfeeding is directly correlated to how supportive your partner is. He needs to get on board as his opposition is causing unnecessary stress.

I agree with most posters about his comment. It was definitely a positive as I see it & he’s backed it up with action by coming home.

No matter how busy or how tired people are, they make time for what is important to them

"but how do we manage differences in opinion regarding how to look after her?"

Depends on what the differences are I suppose. If its just the breast feeding then of course you have a right to feed how you want, just remember that the child has a father as well. No point complaining about being tired all the time when he is not given an opportunity to help. Even today, when he came home with a positive ambition to discuss how help and communicate, you called it shitty. Is that how you have been coming across with all his ideas about being a family and working together?

If its about other things then remember that the same outcome can be reached via different ways. Just as you are new at this and dont know everything, the same can be said of him. Neither of you will be 100% correct.

Honestly I don’t know, I’m still angry at how moody and difficult he was the first few months but I see how he supports us and does as much as he can, but that he is bloody horrid when exhausted. It’s a year later and I have to let it go!

I get this. I EBF and our DD was feeding every 1.5 hours, including through the night (although co-slept and DH slept on the sofa) until I weaned her at 9 months old and it’s bloody hard!

We got through it and in fact I couldn’t have got through it without my DH. A lot of understanding, compassion, communication and a shoulder for me to cry on when I wanted it. Our DD would only sleep on the nipple or in my DHs arms whilst he walked around the house, so that’s what he used to do to give me a break (even in the middle of the night) or let me have a bath, he would stay awake all night sat next to me whilst I slept sat upright on the sofa during cluster feeds to make sure our DD didn’t roll off the pillow and so I could at least get some shut eye knowing he was alert and keeping an eye out... he was definitely my hero in those early months and it makes me emotional even now (DD is 3.5) thinking about how much he supported me and and encouraged me, I count my lucky stars when I hear of others stories.

Huge, steep, enormous learning curve for you both!
Neither of you have EVER done this before. You don't have a parenting style yet. You're in the trenches, slogging through. I have hated DH many times throughout our journey that is parenthood.
Cut each other huge slack.
Babies don't regress. I wish people would stop using that lie of a term. They are shit sleepers! Never had a good sleeper. Wouldn't know one if it slapped me in the face.

My advice? Get sleep any way you can. Lack of sleep turns me into a psychopath and when the kids were infants, it nearly drove me mad. We decided on no pressure for sex. No great expectations. Lots of hugs and reminders that you're learning. Talk to each other! Sleep as much as you can. Allow each other naps and lie-ins. Sleep gives us clearer thoughts and patience. Having babies is just an enormous challenge and the majority of relationships hit turbulence. It doesn't mean you'll break up.

I remember DH coming home from work, telling me all about his wonderful earth mother patient from Somerset who wore silk saris and wrote songs for her newborn while it napped and her partner played the songs on his guitar while she sang to baby during feeding. Ahhh DH thought she was an angel on earth, the exemplary mother. Meanwhile, DH came home to Messy McBitchFace who was just struggling with being exhausted and nursing every bloody 5 minutes, wearing third-hand Mothecare maternity clothes until babe in arms went to nursery. I wanted to smother DH in his sleep! I'm glad I didn't now. So really, ignore your DH's petty comments. I've lost track of the shitty things DH and I said to each other during our exhaustion fuelled rows. It's all behind us now... in a heartbeat. Our eldest has an interview for Sixth Form next week.

You'll have a fair few of those really proud, "Holy shit! We made it!" moments of glee for the rest of your lives.

oh, I believe everything will be fixed!) Thats very important that your husband wants to talk and trying to make things work.
Baby is a big deal for relations, especially for men as some of them are even scared to hold the baby for some time. We have 4 month old and arguing all the time. But the thing is that my husband is that type that if will brake his leg, first will have a nap and a cup of tea and after maybe will go to doctor, and I'm different - I'm going to doctor whenever something doesn't look good to me. So I don't even paying attention, just doing what I think is right for baby. Also as I'm reading a lot of literature about babies and parenting, I'm trying to explain in details to my stubborn husband how things work, then we are on the same page))

I suspect that he’s frustrated by the fact that he can’t help you feed dd. I suggest you explain that he absolutely can help by support you with rest, household stuff and doing other things with dd.

You mention he will bond with dd when she’s weened...leave him to bath dd, change her nappies and play with her or take her out for a walk. And try very hard to let him do it his way and not keep telling him your way.

Show your appreciation of him as a husband and a dad and ask that he does the same for you. Your entire dynamic has changed and you need to learn to be a family. Considering splitting up is tragic unlettered were massive pre existing issues.

And agree x 1000 about not playing the competitive tiredness game. You are BOTH bloody exhausted. It’s tough but a shame to wish away her early weeks. Look for ways to connect again and become friends again. A little shared joke or smile, nothing huge.

OP, on my birth board there were loads and loads of people who split.
I come from a background where talking about splitting isn't the norm at all (and on my birth board it was totally the norm). Only a last resort (unless abuse etc of course).

I remember the time oh so well. You're constantly feeding the baby and up all night, for the entire first year it is hard. 4 months has that whole leap thing. But to be honest it's the constant looking after, home chores and not having any time just being a couple that you were used to for years, that is hard to adjust to, even if you're not actually thinking about it.

Bickering constantly is the new norm and ends up being really frustrating. Gosh, DH and I were super duper close, weren't the type to argue etc but this new constant bickering was a shock.

I would say it wasn't until our baby was 1 year and a couple of months that things got back to normal, or a new normal, more patience etc. But leading up to it, there were many (note the many) times where I'd feel upset and then we'd sit and talk about it, realising that I'm stuck in one place feeding and DH was working, trying to help when he came back with washing baby clothes, cooking, cleaning etc that we hardly spent time together to connect. You can connect with a baby too, but when you're barely in the same room then there's hardly any time to.

We had no family support (I moved away which made it hard as mine are hands on with our kids). So it was constant getting used to a baby and exhaustion for the whole year.

The aim is to set time together when baby is sleep and just talk about it. Talk talk and talk. Calmly talk. Realise what the other is going through. Understand that things will get better once baby is more independent and it's just about riding it out. It can honestly work. A lot just give up though. Not talking about the ones where the man goes drinking or out with his mates all the time leaving the mother to do everything.

Just keep reminding each other that there's a choice: accept everything in your stride and take each day at a time, or be miserable and not actually stop and think of how things now change after kids and it's just working towards a new way to handle everything.

As a side note, I bf'd my DD till one and a half years. I remember my DH getting more and more encouraged about it as the months went by and seeing how did never got sick when everyone else's babies were (apart from the once a year cold we get). How healthy she was by mummy's milk etc. That really helped me through the difficult times too and he still looks back at those memories that despite how hard it is to sit and feed feed feed, we persevered together but he gives the credit to me. I never knew I'd ever bf to be honest, second baby was easy peasy. Props to your for ebf though! That is tough.

What do you disagree over: does he want you to stop bfeeding or mix feed?

If so he’s being U, unless it’s out of genuine concern for your health and wellbeing. It’s your body and your choice.