How did your relationship survive a newborn?!

[ginfizzliz]

Our baby is nearly three months old and I'm starting to get concerned that our relationship can't survive parenthood. A thought that never occurred to me before.

The little one doesn't sleep great so I'm permanently tired. She's EBF, but there have been challenges getting her to latch and feed well and my partner simply cannot understand why it's so important to me and why I get upset when my daughter refuses to latch (she has a nipple shield preference that I've managed to wean her off but we used a dummy last night to see if she'd sleep longer and I'm worried we've gone back a step).

Obviously we never have time just me and him and our life revolves around the baby. This is fine as we both adore her, and obviously she's too young for it to be otherwise, but how do we manage differences in opinion regarding how to look after her?

After a rough night that included tense words between us he's come home from work early to give me a nap and said that we have to sort things out better as his friend at work is nearly splitting up with his missus because of parenting differences. Which I think is a really shitty thing to say and just makes me feel as though I have to be perfect all the time or he's going to think it's a massive problem rather than just an inevitable part of having a tiny baby.

Communicate. And be kind - to yourself and to each other.

DO NOT do competitive tiredness. Ds didn’t sleep for 18m, literally not more than an hour at a time, and we were just so tired I can’t even express it. But competitive tiredness is something to really avoid. It’s really corrosive.

Tell him what you need: I needed him to keep the house running, to bring me drinks and snacks etc. To just listen and not try to fix stuff.

Have the conversation that goes ‘love, I’m finding this really hard. I know you want to fix things and I understand that. At the same time all I need you to do is listen and sympathise, not try to fix it.’

Kind words. Thank him for bringing you a cuppa. For making sure you have a sleep. Everything else is kind of on hold at this stage - romance can wait, neither of you have the energy but kindness MUST remain.

And sleep - god I cannot tell you how bad long term sleep deprivation is. Make some kind of routine where BOTH of you are getting a nap of at least 3-4 hours at least once a week.

It does get better. And BF - I struggled horribly. I did end up doing it for 15m in the end. What did I learn? Well I’m proud I did it but my next one will be getting one bottle a day in the evening because fuck me, being he only person who could settle a nonsleeping high needs baby was HARD.

Be kind to yourselves. Try to keep some humour, no competitive tiredness, and accept that it’s a major upheaval. The first year is survival.

The best bit of advice I have got ( and now give to all).
'Arguments at 2 am don't count'.

Yeah, I know a little bit about this (understatement). Twin pregnancy, emergency cs for me, one twin in nicu for two weeks, one in for 2 months, then I had to go and stay in a children's hospital with him for two weeks while the other was at home, he has a serious illness that's very dangerous for him. Neither could latch well, both had feeding tubes for well over a month, I was pumping every two hours (kept that up for 7 months, long story), I can't honestly barely remember much of the first 9 or 10 months of their lives. Oh, and I also have ME and a couple of other conditions that cause a lot of pain.

The only way we survived was because we communicate well but there are still things that breed resentment and it's really important to talk about them. Make sure he spends time caring for the baby alone. Make sure he's involved in all aspects of childcare. Make sure you see yourselves as a team.

This will pass - hang in there. My boys are almost 15mo now and they're hard work but also brilliant.

Be kind to yourselves, it's a testing time at the moment. It's not forever and is such a small timeframe in the grand scheme of things. This a time in your marriage where you can learn how to communicate with each other and possibly strengthen your relationship. Congratulations

'Arguments at 2 am don't count'
Oh definitely this.

Also, you mention not having any time together OP.
Both if my boys started going to bed at about 7pm around 12 weeks (I think, it's all a bit blurry) and that couple of hours just me and DH were like gold. It felt like we had a tiny piece of our lives as a couple, rather than just being our DS' parents, back.

As with everything in parenting 'it's just a phase' and 'this too will pass' (that's right, keep saying it)!

I can really remember this phase well, and you've had some excellent advice. I also think you'll work it out, as DH is showing he cares by coming home early for you to sleep, and is concerned, and you're on here looking for advice. So, you both care about each other and want to make it work. That counts loads.

DH and I had very different views on "sleep training". I thought it was barbaric, he thought it seemed a sensible approach given that we'd tried everything else and my lack of sleep was turning me psychotic. He was right. Sleep training helped us all, even if I did sit outside DDs door at 7 months old sobbing and thinking I was failing her. I was SO hard on myself!!

Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture precisely because it works. Do anything to support everyone in the house to get sleep.

I'm pg with DC 2 and we're preparing to re-enter this phase again. I hope I've learned some lessons!!

I remember the first evening DD went to bed at 7. It was a game changer!!

Re the dummy and nipple shield, I wouldn't be overly concerned. DD had latching issues and we went against all advice and used bottles of BM to supplement feeds on the boob as well as a dummy. It worked really well and I'm hoping to do it again with DC2. Having a bit of expressed BM in the fridge meant I could have longer sleeps knowing that DH could feed DD if necessary. I also went into motherhood thinking that dummy's were ridiculous, but then I got a grip as realised they're everyone's friend

Be kind to yourselves OP, it's hard going!