Wanting to know if £14000 is ok for me to live off as a single mum

[Leavingabuse]

Hello, i hope i have posted in the right place. Have n/c for this.
I have been planning on leaving dp foryears now. Lots of emotional abuse, gaslighting, financial control which took me a while to work out to see it for what it was thanks to women's aid. I got with him to escape my own abusive family so was a recipe for disaster to begin with but i trusted him with my life. Became a sahm and never really kicked off my career. Anyway after plucking up the courage i applied for a job and got it yay! it's a term time job but i only earn £14000. I'm wondering will this be enough to survive as a single mother or should i work myself up abit and then leave? Or change to a full year job. Problem is childcare have noone to help and dh refuses to take time off even though his job is flexible and he earns loads. Part of the way he tries to control me and keep me at home. Ihave some savings but rather not touch them if i can help it. I'm not expecting dp to contribute and don't want to coparent for obv reasons. I'm not in any physical danger but i'm just so tired and this job has given me the confidence to know anything is possible if i ignore his put downs and if i put my mind to it. It's taken me a long time to get to this place. Any advice welcome.

If you are absolutely serious about leaving i woyld honestly do what a friend did. She was witg a horror of a guy. She had savings, not quite as much as you but around 10k.
She planned and planned. Took 4 months but she made a bloofy amazing move.

She rented a storage unit, spent some of her savings on buying furniture..basically over 4 montgs she filled the unit with everything she needed for a three bedroom house for her and her kids..everything! Down to tea towels and a pile of bloody washing powder, cat foid everything!

She found and rented a house got it rwsfy and had a man with a van move everything in told her husband over the phone on his way to work they would all be gone when he got home packed the kids stuff and she just walked straight into her new bloody life!

Not saying that it was easy he was a twat but she did it and it was amazing!

Its doable... you can do it but you need to plan! Be organised and be brave!

Gah excuse my typos!! Fat fingers😂

Wow @fussy what a plan!!

Sorry only just seen you asked a question. No I pay my own rent and I private rent. I looked around and found somewhere for 360 a month. The area is a bit rough but I've never had any trouble here and I've met lovely people. I do get tax credits though.

Sorry only just seen you asked a question. No I pay my own rent and I private rent. I looked around and found somewhere for 360 a month. The area is a bit rough but I've never had any trouble here and I've met lovely people. I do get tax credits though.

Thanks ladies. Jusr to clarify again the private school itself doesnt matter, i think people are making too many assumptions rhe moment private school is mentioned. I am im a financially abusive relationship i dont share money with him i use the scraps he throws at me, i feel spoilt that i can enjoy unlimited heating so i'm not living the high life far from it. Part of what gave me strength was reading threads on here but i feel really judged on this thread and wish i never posted. Thanks to those gave good advice, i dont have friends anymore so i just wanted to write and have people reply to me, it wanted some step and i think i have had some good advice so thank you my head is all over the place as it's the first time i've stsrted to take real practical steps to sort this out. Some really good ideas thank you

I just didn't want to unsettle dd away from her friends seeing but id be unsettling her anyway im over it

Kids are robust, and you might find that she settles really well once the atmosphere at home changes. I was a military brat, changed schools every two years...i promise it did me no harm.

If you aren't in immediate danger (i know that is so easy to say) then spend the next few days coming up with a plan. Speak to Womens Aid, CAB, a solicitor, just to get a baseline for what your rights are. Start looking at renting options, your savings will have to be used there but maybe if you pay a lump sum of rent upfront you will qualify for ongoing help with tax credits.

It's a big step - i left an abusive relationship with nothing & worked up from there. It is doable, but just keep in your head it won't be easy

Can I ask, in this scenario can you be reasonably confident that the benefit calculators are accurate if you fill in all your details?

Now OP you can do this....

Start the job! Doing this will give you confidence and make you feel a lot better about yourself.

Term time is ideal as you won't need to pay big chunks for childcare.
You are more than half way there as you have got the job.

Get the house you have more than enough money to start afresh.

Take it a step at a time and if you can do something like fussy explained then you have your whole life to look forward to free from the evil bastard!!

I left my EA h with nothing (apart from clothes) and moved straight into PR, my parents (fortunately) gave me £10k (which comes with it’s own costs but that’s another story) and I was able to pay rent, deposit, letting agent fees and furnish the entire 3 bed house with all white goods etc.

Your 16k would enable you to do the same.

Thankyou you're right i can do this. Just abit muddled at the moment so bad typos and not very good sentences. Dp been in a mood with me ever since i got the job. He didnt know i applied. I know he feels threatened now so i know i need to get myself moving incase he does something. Just find him intimidating when he's horrible and i feel anxious. I just want a quiet life but i know once i leave he will play some horrible games. Already trying to make memlook like a bad mother. He is a professional and people trust him so he thinks everyone will believe him. In his line of work he can make a referral so easily and people will believe him but my GP/HV can vouch for me as can school teachers but worried all the same. I could prove to court he is financially abusive but that only would be if he tries to take dd away from me. He has threatened so many time yet if you met him he looks like butter wouldn't melt. Probably why i trusted him so easily. He only got me the car cos i threatened to leave but he kept me pretty much locked in th house for years, not being able to make friends. He will say he never stopped me making friends or from going anywhere as i was free to do so but he put so many restrictions on me that it wasn't very possible. He is so clever. Sorry just waffling now. Thanks everyone i need to use my savings i realise that now and im prepared, i guess i was in such a habit of holding onto my savings i didn't realise this is what i need my savings for -a rainy day. I will sort this.

Thanks everyone for taking time to advise me. Really helpful

Yes, use your savings. They are there to help you. Have you got any friends and family you can trust and keep talking to? Keep reaching out for help.

You can totally do this. And I know it always feels almost wrong to use your savings but try to think of it as you're spending them on your freedom. To maximise them look for second hand things such as white goods, furniture etc. All of my possessions are either second hand or in the sale. Break everything down into small steps and it's a little less overwhelming. Children are on the whole very resilient and adapt probably quicker than adults.
I'd be surprised if he can be bothered to go through court tbh. Many men who make threats if going for full custody or whatever are all talk. Wishing you the best of luck.

Leavingabuse you can do this. I think I read you are not married? I'm not sure if this helps or hinders you. Perhaps put a post on Legal and hope the likes of Stoic and BabyBarrister show up as they are amazingly generous with their knowledge and helpful advice.
I don't think you mentioned how old your DD is or whether she is is primary or Secondary?

Is 16K enough for a deposit on something near where your job is based? What are property prices like in your area?

Second hand shops, ebay and free cycle will have all you need and armed with a slow cooker and cheap home cooked recipes you will manage on a surprisingly small budget if needed. Cut out everything unnecessary like bought coffees, magazines ect and you will get by.

If the school is secondary I'd go and see the admissions officer and start applying for a bursary if you can. If not, well you DD will settle as will you. Don't send her off to live with her Dad unless you truly believe that is the best thing for her. Unlikely from what you've posted.

Sorry I'm rambling but you seemed unhappy and looking for more support than MN was giving you. Waving a little flag for you over here.

If it's a very deprived area, ie with cheap housing, is that £16k enough for a deposit to buy a house?

Same ignorance here, especially as I don't even live in the UK, but if universal credit or housing benefit can be used for paying off a mortgage, that would be ideal.

Sadly not, atenco. UC or HB would contribute towards OP's rent (depending on how much it is) IF she didn't have the amount she does in savings, but won't towards a mortgage.

OP I think you will be surprised how much less timid your DD may well become once she (and you) are out of the toxic atmosphere which are both currently suffering.

Of course he told you your DD would be better off with him - his aim is to undermine you and grind away your confidence in any way he can. He's talking bollocks, of course she wouldn't be better off with him. He's an abusive bully.

it's great that you already have "official" records with GP, HV and school. He will bluster and threaten that he'll "go for full custody" to try to cow you into staying. Just say "OK then, I'll look forward to hearing from your solicitor." Call the fucker's bluff. How much actual parenting does he actually do? Very little, from your posts. Do you really think he'll want to change his lifestyle to suddenly doing all of the school picks ups and drop offs, cooking, cleaning, shopping, all the wife work of parenting? Will he bollocks.

You can do this. You and your DD deserve better. One step at a time. You can get there.

Sorry I also meant to say: use your savings to pay a deposit and the first 6 months/1 year of rent in a decent-ish area with decent-ish school nearby. This will avoid you having to provide tenancy reference and proof of earnings and/or guarantor etc. It would also reduce the total amount of capital so that you may then be eligible for housing benefit, universal credit, etc.

I was going to suggest looking at getting a mortgage on a shared ownership property as well. However HB won't pay mortgage payments so I think long term unless you're confident of earning more in the future it wouldn't be a good idea right now.