NC, Christmas and twunt DB

[Vierna]

So, years of childhood emotional and sexual abuse.

Six months ago, my brother ripped me a new on with texts, telling me I was getting cut out of parents will, that I'm not part of the family, he hates me, I'm a c*nt. He was also e emotionally abusing me during my childhood. He's 10 years older, golden child, mother a narcissist and father her enabler.

A bit of history, while I was being sexually abused, brother ordered me to go play football with him. As you can imagine my emotions were all over the place and I just wanted to lie in bed and cry. Brother has always had an anger problem and is a misogynistic, sexist, racist person. He also hates LGBT. This might be identifying but fuck it. We were in Ibiza with my bestie (male). gay. Brother saw him in a bar with a guy feeling each other up. Brother grabbed him by the neck up against a wall. The footie incident, he hurled a dart in the floor and proceeded to kick it with his bare foot. The dart snapped and a substantial part was buried deep in his foot. This was my fault apparently - if I'd said yes to footie it wouldn't have happened. The Ibiza incident also my fault for "taking a gay bastard on holiday, I hate those perverted scummy bastards" he said to me.

My parents always take brothers side. I explained to them what brother had said and done, no emotion from them. I've been essentially NC with them for two years now, so breaking it because of brother should give an indication of how it affected me. I said I wanted an apology from him. I've heard nothing. Parents say we should go down at Xmas. I have a milestone birthday around Christmas time. So it's safe to say he's not going to say shit. I'm scared if I did go down he'd be there and parents all over him, whilst I'm the unwanted "kid".

I had significant abuse during the Christmas period as a kid, so to date it's always been the most difficult time of year for me. I'm scared, my emotions are all over the place, I keep bursting into tears. My partner knows what's happened and supports me, but obviously isn't aware of everything and how it affects me. Also, my DD is bisexual. I'm scared of brother finds out what his attitude would be to her, so I don't think it's in her best interests either.

So that's everything, any comments appreciated, I feel so alone, and scared, so very scared. Not sleeping either really, and having nightmares. I also have PTSD due to the abuse. Ithought of posting this in the "Stately Homes" thread, but here goes.

Meh, sorry for the length of this.

You need to block your brother from contacting you ever again and the apology you seek from him will not happen. Toxic people like your parents and he never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. They have and continue to take his side and deny your being abused by him.

I would also be no contact with your parents as well. Why should you do as they and go down there at Christmas?. Do not visit them at Christmas; absolutely no good will come of doing so. Spend time with your DD and partner instead over the festive season.

Are you having treatment for your PTSD; are you having any outside support from the likes of NAPAC currently?. Do contact them if you have not already done so. I have put a link up for you:-

napac.org.uk/

If you are essentially NC with your parents, why are you considering going down for Christmas? Was it your brother who abused you sexually too? I'd NC the whole family they sound awful! and enjoy it with your own wee family.

Thanks for your posts.

I've not gone down for Xmas for three years, but with this one being a milestone birthday they "ordered and expected" us to go down, as they want to see their granddaughter. Not me, I understand.

I had some counselling for the PTSD but after about five sessions my counsellor fell ill and I'm awaiting reassignment. It's shit because I don't trust men ever due to the emotional and sexual abuse. No, it wasn't my brother who sexually abused me, it was someone outside the family. I don't trust women either thanks to my narc mother.

Am having no support, other than my partner and DD, who are superb. I have a few complex chronic medical issues, to be honest I often think to myself why do they stay around, and that I'm a burden to them and they'd be much better off without me.

It's just so, so hard, and every Christmas and birthday triggers major emotional trauma. I generally don't drink, but at Xmas the last few years I've taken to getting pissed, to try and hide the stress.

Thank you both for your posts, I really appreciate it.

It sounds as though you would benefit from being non-contact with them all- they sound completely toxic.

Have you considered cutting them out of your life?

Hi Vierna,

re your comment:-
"I've not gone down for Xmas for three years, but with this one being a milestone birthday they "ordered and expected" us to go down, as they want to see their granddaughter. Not me, I understand".

No do not do that to yourself, ignore their request dressed up as a summons. Their request only has the power you give it, you are an adult and can actually make your own decisions. This is not a court order and you do not have to or infact need to go there. They want you to stay in the role they carved out for you in your family of origin i.e. scapegoat for all their inherent ills. Do not further subject your daughter to their emotional manipulations. I would personally go no contact with all your family of origin; they have done you more than enough harm already.

Your partner and DD would NOT be better off without you.

I would chase up the reassignment for the PTSD if you have not already done so. I would also consider speaking to NAPAC in the meantime as they could help you.

Please don't subject your dc to them .. Or yourself ever again.

Sorry we have made plans for Christmas. . That's all you need to text.
Then block.
All of them..
Seek professional help and concentrate on feeling well and enjoying your dc.

What Attila said, you have been "ordered and expected" its not a court summons, your an adult and you can do what you want to do at xmas and for your birthday. Dont go, enjoy xmas at home with your dd and partner.

You do not have to respond to their summons. The significance of your birthday is just an excuse.

You do not owe these people a single solitary thing. No child owes their parents anything. They owed you love and security and they failed.

Go full NC.

Just don’t go. It’s that simple. You don’t want to go and it’ll be unpleasant to say the least, so don’t put yourself through it. If you’ve been NC for two years, stay NC going forward. I don’t understand why the fact that your brother sent you some abusive messages means you now have to visit them all for Christmas. Just block them all and get on with your life.

What the fuck?

'Ordered and expected'?

Haha. Looks like someone hasn't told them - you're not a member of that family any more. You have your own - your DD (and your partner if you have one).

Block them all. The fact you don't turn up on the day is all the notice or communication needed. Thay are NOTHING.

These people are not your family, you have no obligation to them, you're already no contact, you need to do nothing except laugh at their text or whatever and simply delete it.

You get ONE life. You have a life without them, a lovely DD. Why spoil it? They don't get to decide that. They are stragners to you.

From now on, your shitty ex-brother is history, just as they are. Really- just do it.

Good luck.

Tell them to fuck off!

with this one being a milestone birthday they "ordered and expected" us to go down, as they want to see their granddaughter.

Fuck that noise.

They don't get to order anything. They can expect all they like and be disappointed when it doesn't happen. They all sound like toxic bastards and just because you had the misfortune to be born into their family doesn't mean you need to stay in contact with them.

Please for your sake and your DD avoid them forever more. Make your own little family your centre and concentrate your efforts on creating joyful memories for you all, not having to relive the awful ones from your own childhood.

Everyone deserves respect and you parents and brother sound toxic. Text back you want no further contact with them. Concentrate on the people who love you and support you and try to push for more counseling asap. Keep you dd away from toxic grandparents and uncle or they will treat her as they did you.

Ask yourself this

'Do I want to go for Christmas'

Answer Ues or No quickly

You don't want to - you don't have to - you do not owe anyone any explanation or give a reason - not wanting to is good enough

Now make plans with those who do love you and make you happy

How awful for you! I think you know, deep in your heart, that you need to go completely NC with the lot of them. What do they bring to your life that is positive? Nothing, right? So be done with them.

Your brother will never apologise or acknowledge that he is in the wrong. Never. Because in his heart he isn't, and therefore there is nothing to apologise for. That's how these people operate.

I wouldn't even get into a discussion with them, or text them, or anything. Simply block all contact. ALL contact. Do not accept messages from them, return any mail unopened, put the phone down on any family "flying monkeys".

It will be hard because your horrible past experiences have impacted on your ability to think clearly about these people, but you must do it for your own sake and your child's sake. You must protect her from these people. They have been toxic and damaging to you, and they will do the same to your child.

Award yourself, your partner and child a very Happy Christmas by not visiting these people. You DON'T have to 'attend'.

What a vile human being your brother is.

I can only echo what everyone else is saying. Please don’t go. It can only end badly for you, I think, and whether you do what your parents want or not, you are not going to get anything positive for them.

It’s hard not to get caught up in their twisted thinking, but can you imagine that this was a friend - or your H - telling you about the way their family was treating them. You would know that it is not right. This applies to you too.

I hope you can get back to getting help soon, bit in the meantime, please take care of yourself - and put yourself first!

Go 100% NC, block their numbers and move if you have to. You'll never get sympathy, a sorry, or anything genuine from them because unfortunately they don't care about you. They should not be playing any part in your life.

I'm sorry about your past

I really don't understand why you are even giving this any headspace.

You are NC with parents, end of story. How can they summons you if you are NC?

You should also be NC with DB - why is he able to text you? Block him on every piece of equipment he can contact you on. And so what if they cut you out of will, do you really want money from people who have treated you so bad?

You don't have to do ANYTHING that you don't want to. Just remember that. You are an adult, they cant order or summons you. Why are you 'scared'? What do you think they will do to you if you don't go?

Whilst nothing like your childhood, I also have a shitty brother who used to love sending nasty texts and letters. I wouldn't go NC because of mum, despite her always being on his side, but always been LC with him.

Things came to a head 3yrs ago, and I did go NC with both for a few months, including over xmas. They were both shocked that I had the nerve to do it, despite their appalling behaviour at that time. They couldn't believe I had dropped mums presents with a local relative, and not gone to see them. That Christmas was one of the best, just me, DH and DC, pulling together as a family unit despite how they had treated us.

I only re kindled contact as mum was ill, diagnosed with terminal cancer and needed support (that I knew DB wouldn't give). I still endured an awful year but I knew the end was in sight, as I knew when she was dead he would change his behaviour, as she was his conduit and there would be no point in him continuing when she wasn't around. He had one last "assault" in front of her best friend a few days after she died, well and truly showing himself up.

Almost 2yrs on from her death I have v v minimal contact with him, and it is very polite, as he knows there is nothing stopping me going completely NC now. I have no intention of ever seeing him again.

He stopped cards/presents years ago, part of his games, I followed, then he sent a card last year to arrive Christmas eve!! I have made it clear that I have no intention of being drawn into that game again. If he wants to waste money sending another it will be straight on our fire unopened!!

I always suspected he would get her to change will - and found out recently (from a cousin) that he had ordered mum to do it ("because he deserved it all") in a letter that my cousin was made to read. For once in her life mum held strong it seems, as the will wasn't changed, but if it had been, I would have walked out of solicitors and left him to sort everything out (which he would have hated as he is a lazy fucker, DH and I did all house emptying). I didn't need her money.

Just ignore, enjoy your birthday and xmas at home, and block your brother. He can only contact and upset you if you let him.

Or do as I did when a recent innocent text exchange with DB started to get shirty, I used the MN phrase of "Oh do Fuck off dear and please stop texting me your rubbish." It shut him up!!

OP - I am NC with my father (26 years) and my sister (about 9 years) and I can tell you categorically that anyone 'ordering me to attend' at christmas (or any other time) would simply be laughed at. Who cares if it's a 'significant' birthday - you don't want it ruined, do you? Spend it with people who love you, and make nice memories, not fearful ones.

Why would you go? Why should you, or I, knowingly put ourselves in the line of fire? you know they only want you there to belittle you, ignore you and call you names. If not actually physically hurt you.

And do do DO protect your child. If you know or suspect she is bi, you know your relatives will find out. Or suspect. And they will then subject her to the same treatment you and your gay friend got. Don't take her, to be abused. (BTW my father has never even seen my children. And he will go to the grave before I allow him to see them - because i know he will be as toxic, nasty and selfish to them as he was to me.)

Oh - and I am 'cut out' of my father's Will!

But this is a 'grandfather' who would send money/gift to my sister's eldest dc (because he'd met dc) but not to the others. Even though they all had birthdays close together. So one would get money,the others would get nothing. Until they had all been taken to meet him.

Fuck that.

Also - am I right in saying it is a milestone birthday for you, but your family are making demands as to what you do on that day? That is fucked up.

Oh my, so many messages.

I've been out all day with appointments so only just managed to look via supermarket wifi! Thanks so much for all of the messages, yes definitely I want a nice Xmas and birthday with OH (milestone anniversary just after birthday too) and DD (and DSS).

I need to get it into my head that these people have no control over me and my feelings. While it pulls on my emotional heartstrings (it's like there's a cable attaching me to them and they've spent years of abuse putting in my mind how much I need them.

Well, fuck that noise. Your posts have reinforced some positive feelings, and I've started thinking everything through, I spoke to the MH centre earlier, counsellor was there and is slotting me in after Christmas. So that will hopefully help.

You've all been amazing. I can't thank you enough

I'm so glad to hear that! Just keep remembering, their values and opinions and wants are not logical, or reasonable. They want you to think you are the unreasonable one and go along with their twisted way of doing things. You, despite your upbringing KNOW that it is damaging and pointless to engage with them. You are right, you are right, you are right. They are wrong.

Now, go and have a lovely birthday, Christmas and anniversary with the people who really love you and care about you.

Yep, fuck that noise!

Love that. Cut those strings.

Have a wonderful, peaceful birthday, christmas and anniversary!