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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need some sense talking into me.

36 replies

needtomoveon23847 · 07/12/2017 14:17

About four years ago I fell for one of my really good friends. I told him how much I liked him, and we ended up sleeping together. I thought it would progress into a relationship but it never has. We text nearly every day, we see each other regularly, we sleep together regularly, but we have never progressed into a relationship (though I would've liked to have and he knows and has always knew that).

Anyway, I ended up pregnant by him at the beginning of the year and I had an abortion in March. I was really hurt and upset by how little he cared about the whole thing. He was panic stricken for himself but absolutely hopeless in being any support. He didn't come to any of the appointments with me or even offer to do so, except the last one which he came to only because I asked him to so I could leave the hospital and go home (they would only let me go home if someone was with me). Even then he went home halfway through the day to have something to eat Hmm. I've really struggled with the whole thing, I feel a bit better now but for a lot of the year I was miserable and consumed with regret. I told him this a couple of months after March and he was nice when I told him, but since then avoids the subject and has never asked how I'm feeling or anything.

Finally, in July, something he said made me just think 'fuck this, I'm done'. And I didn't get in touch with him and he didn't get in touch with me for nearly two months. There was no argument or anything, I just stopped getting in touch. Anyway, 8 weeks later he turns up outside my house asking to be let in. I didn't let him in, told him he was taking the piss after weeks of nothing and I was finished with the whole thing.

And then he continued texting me, I started replying, and now I'm right back where I was in July. What is wrong with me? He isn't going to change his mind one day and decide he wants a relationship. Even if he did after the way he's acted this year I think I'm too good for him anyway. But then he gets in touch and I think it's such a shame to throw away his friendship. Basically I need to be told to get a grip and pack the whole thing in and stay away from him. What's the best way? Total NC?

OP posts:
Original poster
needtomoveon23847 · 07/12/2017 14:18

Sorry, that was ridiculously long!

OP posts:
Louiseandhercubs · 07/12/2017 14:20

I'm rubbish I'm new and have no idea what NC means haha!

But I've been in a similar situation, not as deep and you need to cut contact. He's having his cake and eating it.

You need to cut contact. Block him on social media. Block his number and move on.

You are much better than this and need to be someone's first option not second

Original poster
needtomoveon23847 · 07/12/2017 14:22

It means no contact. I'd feel like such a shit for blocking him but I know it'd be the best way. Until the pregnancy I would never, ever have thought he was the type of man to act in such an unsupportive way. Apparently he was 'scared'.

OP posts:
Louiseandhercubs · 07/12/2017 14:27

Yes NC it all the way! He may have been scared but what about you?

The problem is, if you don't block him the temptation to always reply to a text answer a call will be too high

Original poster
needtomoveon23847 · 07/12/2017 14:38

That's exactly what I thought when he said it! I'm so annoyed with myself. He treated me terribly and I know I need to stop having anything to do with him but then just can't bring myself to finish things completely.

I'm still so annoyed with him and now and then when I have a drink I send him angry texts about it, then wind up having to apologise to him the next day while he continues not to give a shit.

OP posts:
elland · 07/12/2017 14:44

Ah I feel for you because I would've exactly the same in your situation! I really think you need to block him and stick to it, of course it will be hard, especially if he comes back to your door trying to talk you round but it sounds like it's stopping you moving on from the abortion and on with the rest of your life.

You do not need a man like this and by carrying on in this situation you could be missing out on meeting an amazing man or just having other great experiences with friends/family or just life in general.

You can do this, just take the first step and press them block buttons!

Louiseandhercubs · 07/12/2017 14:45

Exactly what elland said!

If you stick with him you could be missing out on your knight in shining armour

Original poster
needtomoveon23847 · 07/12/2017 14:53

His behaviour was/is so baffling. Even as a friend I thought he'd care more.

He has acted similarly before though. I did meet a man I really, really liked, and told the friend that I didn't want to see him any more because I met someone I thought might actually want a future with me (turned out he was married Hmm but I didn't know that at the time). After I told him he left things for a week or so then went on a full charm offensive till I was back to where we were again.

OP posts:
RockinRobinTweets · 07/12/2017 14:57

He's not your friend. He doesn't care. His actions are quite clear.

Go NC and when he tries to contact, remember the above. You deserve more.

NotTheFordType · 07/12/2017 15:01

It sounds like there is a part of you which still nurtures a tiny sprout of hope that one day he'll wake up and think "Damn, why have I been wasting my time, I realise now I love her!" and it'll be like a romcom happy ending.

Going NC will kill that hope, which is why it's so fucking hard. But you know you need to do it.

Iooselipssinkships · 07/12/2017 15:03

NC!
Actions speak louder than words, keep remembering what he did in regards to the pregnancy/abortion, not what his texts are saying. That charm offensive is that... offensive. Especially after what you went through. You deserve better.

Letdownlover · 07/12/2017 15:13

I think he is taking you for granted and he knows that he can pick you up and put you down whenever he feels like because you have let him ... but on the other hand you had no arrangements in place to stop this from happening so it was inevitable ... everyone needs boundries ... but imo the whole situation with the abortion should of been a big red flag , no one should be treated like , you need to pick yourself up and move on with life ... you deserve better.

Original poster
needtomoveon23847 · 07/12/2017 15:19

It sounds like there is a part of you which still nurtures a tiny sprout of hope that one day he'll wake up and think "Damn, why have I been wasting my time, I realise now I love her!" and it'll be like a romcom happy ending.

Going NC will kill that hope, which is why it's so fucking hard. But you know you need to do it.

I think this is exactly it. Ending it makes it feel like the abortion was all for nothing in a way too. I try and convince myself it's fine to carry on like I am because sleeping with him doesn't actually stop me from finding someone else but I suppose it must be in a way.

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 07/12/2017 15:38

You are worth so much more than what he is giving you. Being honest his reaction to your pregnancy and abortion would have been enough for me. He is using you. No contact all the way. He isn't even a friend at this stage

TheMasterNotMargarita · 07/12/2017 15:41

He's a huge bellend.
He's got you on a string, sex when he fancies all on his own terms.
Fuck him. Not literally.
Find someone who wants to be with you and not use you as a hole.

Louiseandhercubs · 07/12/2017 15:41

I think still being in contact and sleeping with him emotionally closes you off from other people but also, not many men would want to get involved with you if your still sleeping with someone that has that kind of a hold on you.

Justbreathing · 07/12/2017 15:47

NC
it's fucking hard but he's a manipulator. He know's you hold on to a tiny amount of hope. He doesnt give a shit. it's easy for him.

You will find someone else, this shit has been going on for 4 years. do you want to wake up in another 4 years and still be here

Listen to someone when they tell you who they are

uncoolnn · 07/12/2017 15:54

You are worth so so much more than this. NC is hard (I'm currently on day 11 of my NC with ex) but in the long run it's for the best. You deserve to meet someone who makes you a priority, not an option!

Original poster
needtomoveon23847 · 07/12/2017 15:56

I know you're all right, and it's exactly the same advice I would be giving if it was happening to someone else. It's just so difficult to mesh the thought of the lovely, kind friend I've had since we were teenagers with the man he is now being an uncaring shit.

A man I work with who I had a short fling with a few years ago but stayed friends with offered to come to the appointments with me and my friend kicked off about that, but still didn't offer to come himself. Baffling.

OP posts:
ChickenMom · 07/12/2017 16:06

He’s using for sex. You’re basically like a prostitute that he doesn’t have to pay. Sorry to be so blunt but how isn’t it like that? He doesn’t want a relationship. Turns up, gets his end away and then what? Nothing apart from you getting hurt and upset. He’s no good. You know this. You deserve and need better. Block him and go NC. Text him and say “I don’t want to know anymore. Please leave me alone” then mean it. Join the NC thread on here to give you strength or post on here instead of messaging him. Fill your time/life with things other than him

redexpat · 07/12/2017 16:10

You sound like a decent person. He is treating you as a plan B and frankly you deserve better. Do yourself a favour and close this chapter of your life.

Original poster
needtomoveon23847 · 07/12/2017 16:25

ChickenMom yeah it is basically that. Except for it's not just the turning up for a shag I'll miss, it's the speaking to him through the day that I'll miss more. I managed it for eight weeks though earlier this year. I wish he'd never got in touch with me again.

OP posts:
ChickenMom · 07/12/2017 16:31

It’s an ego boost for him. That’s why he can’t stay away. I know because I had a guy “shag buddy” when I was in Uni. I did the same to him that he is doing to you. That’s why I’m saying that the only way to do it is a firm/brutal cut.

Downhillatfifty · 07/12/2017 16:36

Do you have another real friend that you could confide in?
If so I would tell them everything, spare no details about how much of a shit this guy is.
Then every time this guy tries to contact you or you want to contact him, phone your “real friend” and let them talk some sense into you.
If you don’t have someone you can confide in, write it all down and keep it handy to read through every time you feel tempted back. It’s brutal but it works.

Justbreathing · 07/12/2017 17:03

it's hard to admit to yourself that the person you loved and who you thought cared for you could treat you like this,
but sadly he has

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