I need some sense talking into me.

[needtomoveon23847]

About four years ago I fell for one of my really good friends. I told him how much I liked him, and we ended up sleeping together. I thought it would progress into a relationship but it never has. We text nearly every day, we see each other regularly, we sleep together regularly, but we have never progressed into a relationship (though I would've liked to have and he knows and has always knew that).

Anyway, I ended up pregnant by him at the beginning of the year and I had an abortion in March. I was really hurt and upset by how little he cared about the whole thing. He was panic stricken for himself but absolutely hopeless in being any support. He didn't come to any of the appointments with me or even offer to do so, except the last one which he came to only because I asked him to so I could leave the hospital and go home (they would only let me go home if someone was with me). Even then he went home halfway through the day to have something to eat . I've really struggled with the whole thing, I feel a bit better now but for a lot of the year I was miserable and consumed with regret. I told him this a couple of months after March and he was nice when I told him, but since then avoids the subject and has never asked how I'm feeling or anything.

Finally, in July, something he said made me just think 'fuck this, I'm done'. And I didn't get in touch with him and he didn't get in touch with me for nearly two months. There was no argument or anything, I just stopped getting in touch. Anyway, 8 weeks later he turns up outside my house asking to be let in. I didn't let him in, told him he was taking the piss after weeks of nothing and I was finished with the whole thing.

And then he continued texting me, I started replying, and now I'm right back where I was in July. What is wrong with me? He isn't going to change his mind one day and decide he wants a relationship. Even if he did after the way he's acted this year I think I'm too good for him anyway. But then he gets in touch and I think it's such a shame to throw away his friendship. Basically I need to be told to get a grip and pack the whole thing in and stay away from him. What's the best way? Total NC?

Downhill I've got plenty of friends but they mostly all know him from school or working together (my & friend went to school together and our first job was at the same place), or through me or from drinking in the same pubs. They know him as the person I thought I knew - nice, kind, great sense of humour. My close friends know what a bastard he's been but they can't tell me more than I know myself.

I would understand more if he was 18 but he's in his 30s! He hasn't grown up in lots of other ways though, he still lives with his mother, still wont eat vegetables, still in one of his first jobs despite loathing it. I can block him but I'll still bump into him. We drink in the same local pubs, he lives along the same (albeit quite long) street, our friends overlap. Our mutual friends who don't know the full story will think I'm a jealous, bitter lunatic if I blank him.

And yes to this ^^. It's the realising that someone you care about and invested time in doesn't care about you at all.

He doesn't want you, but doesn't want anyone else to have you either, so hard to understand and get you're head round (previous experience).

It makes you feel like "well if he gets jealous then he must like me" but I think it's more about possession! Similar to if two kids are playing and one picks up a toy that the other wasn't previously interested in, but now they want it because it's not available and will carry on until they get it and when they have it, the chase has gone and they don't want it anymore.

Gosh even if you take all the complicated sex stuff out of the way, he was a terrible friend.

Yes, I think you need to move on from this guy, he’s not bringing much to the table

He is using you as a security blanket as he knows you have strong feelings for him and basically is using that to his advantage whenever he wants his ego boosting. For you own mental wellbeing let him go and stay strong with NC . You need to move on from him as he won't bring you the happiness you deserve xx

Our mutual friends who don't know the full story will think I'm a jealous, bitter lunatic if I blank him.

Who cares what they think? As you say, they don't know the full story. You have been a doormat for this guy for too long. He is no friend to you and is making you miserable. Time to take control and get your life back. Block, delete, ignore him, whatever it takes.

Listen to Lefty she helped me on my thread No contact is so hard, I’m currently trying to do it! But it’s often the only way forward in these situations

Whilst you are still giving him brain space you haven't got space for someone else.
He on the one hand doesn't want you but equally he doesn't want anyone else to have you.

His free sex would be cut off.

Yep, you're all right. Had an amazing sleep last night and I'm feeling determined today. No texts this weekend, and if I see him in a bar then no more than a nod in his direction. No doubt he'll be too busy trying to get his leg over someone else to be too bothered.

I had a friend who got into a relationship with someone who didn't want any of the things she wanted.
He had kids, didn't want anymore, always made her visit him, never came to her, never helped her in difficult times etc etc.
I kept saying that they both wanted different things and the longer she let it go on, the worse it would be, blah, blah and eventually after 12 years, she finally said that she'd wasted her life on this and should've realised!
It was really, really sad as she was older and would never have children.
Well, you know what you need to do anyway.
Be strong!

That's awful for your friend Hoarse. Why do men do that? Fortunately I don't want children (which is why the amount of regret over the abortion came as such a shock) so he hasn't wasted my time in that sense.

@needtomoveon23847 every time you're tempted to text him, post here instead!