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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

should i ahve an affair.. think not but please read

52 replies

naughtynippers · 20/04/2007 12:07

Hi there i have been in a relationship for 12 years with a man we do not however live together although I do love and care for him. The fact is I care for him like a freind or a brother. I have my independence as i own my own house and car so there are no finacial things shared.

However I moved 12 mths agao and become very freindly with a lovely man who is 49, i am only 36. I cannot say at all I find him atractive but heis a lovely person and we have been chatting on and off on aol im. I was not looking for anybody else neaithe ras he although his wife died 5 years agao leaving a son of three (he is now 9)

well the realtionshiop in i am I feel relaxed and calm, good sex etc but the man swaers at me and has lost all respect although he can be nice and is nice most of the time.

Well what i want to know is that I want to go meet this man and get to know him, he lives on the street down. I often chat when taking my son to the park and he know lots about me as we im chat omn the internet.

The thing is though what shall I do, I have never been unfathfull before and really do not agree wit it. The man i cahet with does not have the same beleifs interests in life as me at all (* i ahve degree and well educated) he does local parcel courier work.

I really do not know what to do and why i feel like this about him... help please

Thanks

OP posts:
krabbiepatty · 20/04/2007 15:23

You don't fancy him if you are noticing the nosehair. You are bored.

Washersaurus · 20/04/2007 15:30

I think you are just in a bit of a rut by the sounds of it. Best to lay off the internet stuff with this chap - its not usually a true representation of a person in RL anyway. I think you would end up just finding him boring (aswell as unattractive)

Why not spend the time doing different things with your DP instead?

Original poster
naughtynippers · 20/04/2007 16:50

Hi thanks for all advice. I fully realise if you love sombody you will love them where ever they are and what ever class they are. I know class is not a modern word but it does affect the way we are. I am not posh prson and do not luck down at all on anybody but te m an I like is so different to the way I think, the we dress our children, the places we go on holiday etc... However I do fancy him if that is what it is called and although I noticed his hairs in his nose lol.....

hanks for everything..

oh I am not sure either if i like the thought of an admirer... and feel flattered

OP posts:
grumpyfrumpy · 20/04/2007 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anna8888 · 20/04/2007 17:14

Xenia - but people's views and world outlook change over time. Adulthood is long - 60+ years for most of us - and 60 years beyond the clutches of our parents gives us plenty of opportunities to see the world, to learn many new things for which our childhood could not prepare us and for our views to evolve. You might marry someone whose views, like your own, had been shaped by a particular culture, religion, type of schooling, social class or whatever but have experiences later that make you change your views, and your partner might not have those experiences, or might be less open to change, and doesn't evolve in a similar way to you, and one day you find you are not on the same wavelength at all.

Personally I think it is in many ways easier to be with someone pretty different from the outset, so that you know from the start that you need to adjust, rather than being two robots of your childhood thinking, misguidedly, that you'll inevitably spend the next 50+ years in the same mould.

Though I wouldn't ever consider getting together with someone who wasn't reasonably well matched on the intelligence scale.

FioFio · 20/04/2007 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Judy1234 · 20/04/2007 17:27

Wouldn't work for me, I don't think.

Anna, I don't agree. I think most studies have shown people who share a similar outlook and often background stay together longer and get on better once the initial lust phase has worn off. So someone from the same country, class, same sort of age as you, religion etc.

Jazzicatz · 20/04/2007 17:34

Sorry to hijack this thread, but I am in a situation that I am not sure what to do. I have been with my dp for 8 years and we have 2 ds's age 4 & 2. My dp has never been particulaly physical and we now sleep in separate rooms. I have been doing a Phd for the last 2 years and since starting have become very close to my male supervisor who is 52 (I am 34), he is really sweet, clever and funny, and has made it clear that he wants sex. He is renowned for his sleeping around habits and know I would be one of a very list, but I am bored at home, and dp would never know as I study miles away from where I live. Should I go for it or grow up and refuse him?

swifterella · 20/04/2007 17:50

of course the answer is always no to an affair...in reality.butits easier said than done isnt it.

also xenia u do crack me up

Original poster
naughtynippers · 20/04/2007 19:49

Oh this is rather an interesting thread. Fr me to make a step into having a affair is a very big step I would be taking. I do not know even if I could have an affir but I know I like the idea of it. I did A level socialology and loved the bit about class values and beleives and loved.

Yes this man is not eduacated ta ll, he lives alone and has a son. His wife died 5 years ago.

MESSGAE FOR OTHER LADY...

although I posted about this topic I would not sleep with a man that sleeps around as that is me. I have only probaly had 3 partners in my life so very unsure why I am even contemplating this.. very starange.

The man I like only lives down the road and I am doing the strangest of things like walking around nto see if car there etc (sad I know)

Thanks to everybody I have really enjoyed reading views and comments. I am new here so will be posting on other forums too.. see yu all around x

OP posts:
Original poster
naughtynippers · 21/04/2007 13:25

following on... well last night I went down to see this man the house is a tip well tidy but filthy if you know what I mean. There are no house rules etc in place and the child was till up running circles around his father at 10pm. We chatted but the reason I went round was to show him how to upload pics to his computer. It was a nice night, he had no wine so had a can of lager something I never drink or should i say never drink out of the can either.

I know now although Ilike the thought of an affair I am not go any further and not going to lead him on it just would not be correct and would feel guilty. I kissed him on the cheek when left and that was it. The child was still up when left also lol

okay just thought would update u all.

I am going to work at my relationship although deep down probaly know there is no future.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 21/04/2007 17:52

jazzicatz - hmmm, inevitably if you no longer have sex with your partner you will sooner or later lust after someone else. But I really, really wouldn't have sex with your PhD supervisor - very bad news indeed for your studies. Try to find someone else not in a position of power over you.

Anna8888 · 21/04/2007 17:54

Xenia - I know what you mean about those studies. But (inevitably) they are longitudinal studies and I don't think they take into account many of the changes of modern life and the globalisation of people, which is happening very rapidly. Adults don't stay the same over time and are less and less likely to in future.

Judy1234 · 21/04/2007 18:23

May be but in the UK at least huge numbers of people are still in the area their ancestors were in 10,000 years ago. It's amazing how little mobility there is. Those of us who left home and went away to university are the exception.

it's hard long term to work things out with someone who disagrees with you on just about every topic, surely, who has different views say on state/private education or religion or how to bring up children or politics so in general most people wisely avoid those issues and unconsciously or consciously choose someone who at least matches them in some main areas.

FluffyMummy123 · 21/04/2007 18:24

Message withdrawn

Beetrootccio · 21/04/2007 18:39

finsih the one that is ont working then shag the post man if you want.

elasticbandstand · 21/04/2007 19:08

shag him.
you obviously want out of the "relationship"..
enjoy yourself with this man.

elasticbandstand · 21/04/2007 19:11

as long as he hasput his son to bed first that is {grin}

Original poster
naughtynippers · 21/04/2007 20:24

Hi this has been very interesting indded and have enjoyed reading everything about class and values perhaps should start a thread on relationships about this.

Anyway I am back texing this man but that is all. Heis lovely and genuine but everything with not be nice if I was let myself go with him. H eis lovely but looks older and I noticed that more last night, also he just about hates everything I like. His family are rough, relatives children never finished school, stayed around living local, cheap furnishings in house, different values on what children do, different values of what want out of like etc... It just would not work and know I just like talking to him, He gone out tonight and told him to do so as may meet a nice lady.... he does not even think I was thinking of sleeping with him.

Oh will not go on naymore at all.

OP posts:
Mhamai · 21/04/2007 20:26

Is that you cod?

Anna8888 · 22/04/2007 09:21

Xenia - mobility is very high (in the UK and elsewhere) among the most intelligent and educated - so what I say is true for anyone someone like you (or I) should consider having a relationship with...

Judy1234 · 22/04/2007 11:13

May be. I prefer English men. They feel culturally attuned to how I am, though.

Rhubarb · 22/04/2007 11:14

Hello Xenia!

Judy1234 · 22/04/2007 11:20

Good morning. Idol?

Rhubarb · 22/04/2007 11:22

I want to be you and own an island and stuff. I might have to stalk you I'm afraid.