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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Baby is 3 months old and he’s leaving me.

38 replies

PalomaViolets · 07/12/2017 10:47

Just that really.

I don’t know how I’m going to cope. I was diagnosed with PND recently and just started on antidepressants but this is going to kill me.

I was looking forward to Christmas as a new family and it’s all turned to shit. As an aside, my dad died 20 years ago today. I just wish he was here 😢

OP posts:
Jumpingsomebodyelsestrain · 07/12/2017 11:31

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I had severe PND (ended up in a Mother and Baby unit) after our first DC and my DH left me when the baby was 14 months old.

This is an extremely difficult period you are going through so please tell your health visitor and take up offers of support. Tell family and friends. Try and remember to look after yourself so you can look after the baby.

You will get through this, breath by breath, minute by minute, day by day. This too shall pass, although I know it all seems impossible to contemplate at the moment.

So sorry that it's your Dad's anniversary too.

(((((Hugs)))))

banannabreadforme · 07/12/2017 11:45

Has your partner explained why they are leaving? Were there problems before your baby arrived? Perhaps your partner leaving is temporary and the problem can be resolved. Having a new baby is very hard work and being exhausted all the time can make feelings run high. Couples counseling can be a big help. Call your Mum/sister/bff and let someone know the situation.
I'm sorry this has happened

NeilPetark · 07/12/2017 11:46

Why is he leaving? Have you got any support?

Original poster
PalomaViolets · 07/12/2017 11:56

He’s said he’s not attracted to me anymore and he can’t be with someone he’s not attracted to. I don’t think he quite understands I don’t have the time to put on a full face of makeup and wear sexy clothing when I’ve got a baby that feeds every 2 hours. He’s a shallow bastard but I really thought he had grown up and changed. I know I’m better off without him but I don’t think I would have had her if I knew I was going to be on my own Sad

I don’t know how I’m going to cope financially - I’m on mat leave but I was in a temp position and didn’t apply for the permanent so don’t have a job to go back to. We’d discussed this and decided that I was to stay at home with the baby (this is what I wanted).

My HV knows and my Mum. Everyone told me he would do this. I should’ve listened Sad

OP posts:
Annelind · 07/12/2017 12:05

How awful for you, OP. If you will be unemployed after your maternity leave, you will be able to apply for benefits.

My ExH left me when our baby was 2 months old (for OW) so I know how horrendous this feels Flowers

jpl888 · 07/12/2017 12:11

My two cents - I left my eldest's mum when she was 3 months old because she smashed a glass over my head in a pub and was sleeping around.

TBH, there aren't too many valid reasons to go at that time, so unless it's something of similar significance, it's a terrible time to abandon someone.

wowbutter · 07/12/2017 12:15

Are you married? Do you rent or own?

You sort your finances, child support, tax credits etc.

You see him for the shallow, useless bastard that he is and you make it work for you and your child. Stay strong. You Re much better off.

blue2014 · 07/12/2017 12:15

I'm so sorry things are so hard right now but it sounds like he's done you a massive favour - he sounds like a selfish arsehole and a terrible role model for you little girl.

Ask the Health visitor about help with benefits - get money sorted first. You can do this - you're going to be ok Thanks

Original poster
PalomaViolets · 07/12/2017 12:44

Thank you everyone ❤️

We’re not married and we rent. He’s planning on moving out - he’s getting a large windfall from his parents so he’s looking to buy a house. He said he’ll pay my bills but I’m doubtful that that will last longer than a few months.

Re. work when my maternity leave finishes and my employer finds another suitable role for me I need to go back or leave and then pay a proportion of my mat leave back. My work involves shifts and it’s just not feasible with a baby Confused

It just seems so bleak.

blue2014 - when we found out we were having a girl he thought it was to teach him a lesson...that lasted then!

OP posts:
blue2014 · 07/12/2017 13:05

God he's a wankstain!!

You'll be better without him, honestly - all get maintenance sorted from him.

jpl888 · 07/12/2017 13:05

Have you got parents you can move back in with @palomaviolets ?

Sounds precarious.

Original poster
PalomaViolets · 07/12/2017 13:21

My Mum lives round the corner. It’s a tiny flat though.

I’ve just found out from his ex he’s been texting her and sending her pictures of our baby (she sent screenshots to me). 13 days after she was born whilst telling me he hates his ex. Yet more proof, I’m better off without him.

I don’t want to be one of those mothers who hates the father of their child but it looks inevit right now Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
PalomaViolets · 07/12/2017 13:22

inevitable

OP posts:
Columbine1 · 07/12/2017 13:29

Its worth asking yr work if there is any other work pattern including part-time that would make childcare possible.
How much longer does yr maternity leave last? I'm guessing you are not getting much maternity pay as you say you were temporary.

BlueDabadeee · 07/12/2017 13:30

Why do men find it so easy to piss off and leave? Hmm

They never ever take the kids with them do they?

Cunts.

So sorry you are having to put up with this OP. No proper advice sorry except surround yourself with family and friends.

jpl888 · 07/12/2017 13:47

@bluedabadeed that's exactly what I plan to do re: kids. :P

Maybe better just to have a period of man-hating to get it out of your system @palmoaviolets but we're not all like that obviously.

Agree with bluedabadeed to try get help from whatever support network you have, physically, if that's possible. Try to do the job until you can get something else, or otherwise put up with some temporary arrangement until you have an alternative.

Original poster
PalomaViolets · 07/12/2017 13:57

He’d take her with him if I’d allow it, BlueDabadeee! He’s already threatened to take her away from me 😥 and raise her in London. He’s from there and we live in Scotland now (where I’m from).

I don’t hate men, my Dad was one!

OP posts:
jpl888 · 07/12/2017 14:09

Well look, @palomaviolets, legally, if you're the one doing the majority of care, the child(ren) will get to live with you, end of, unless they're old enough to say they want to live with the other parent. So don't listen to any baseless threats.

Good to know. Maybe just him-hate then. ;)

jpl888 · 07/12/2017 14:11

And, from a legal standpoint, neither one of you can easily go moving away with the children from wherever you are at the moment, at least not with mutual consent.

jpl888 · 07/12/2017 14:11

without I meant, duh.

userxx · 07/12/2017 14:17

What a twat. I don't understand why you would have to pay back part of your maternity pay? That doesn't sound right to me.

NeilPetark · 07/12/2017 14:19

If you get more than statuatory maternity pay you have to pay it back if you don’t return to work. That’s how it works in the NHS anyway.

Columbine1 · 07/12/2017 14:21

Userxx because maternity pay is related to going back to the job afterwards. Whereas OP plans to not go back to work.

userxx · 07/12/2017 14:22

Ahhh, so anything over stat is repaid. Didn't know that, thanks Neil.

MrsMozart · 07/12/2017 14:22

Oh bugger lass.

Yes it's shit, but you have some time to adjust and consider what you want and what you need.