Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I am a fool

31 replies

cocoface · 07/12/2017 03:15

I have been dating a guy fairly seriously since the end of last summer. He can.be incredibly lovely but also incredibly angry snappy etc. He works and studies so I fit around that and try to help and understand.

I told him I was feeling very down and depressed - he was very snappy with me last night over something trivial but really it was - i think - down to my good relationship with my dc father which seems to infuriate him. Mainly the fact that dc dad is allowed into my home - which I feel is healthy for the children.

So he was sharp over something small and that - as well as his general anger just made me feel horrible. He was very blasé about it - told me to either tell him what was wrong or say nothing!

We had a few messages back and forth with him bascally telling me he won't know if I'm down ubless I tell him. He then tells me that he is off to visit with his family talk tomorrow if I feel up to it after he has finished work.

I sent 2 further messages which he hasnt bothered to read - has met up with his family and basically ignored me! I think I should leave this relationship so why don't I? - he is snappy mood swings and apparently selfish. Why don't I just leave?

OP posts:

Original poster

cocoface · 07/12/2017 03:25

I have approached him before regarding how angry he gets. He is incredibly short tempered etc. Can be aggressive with people at times - hugely generous others especially with my dc and I regarding days out gifts etc. I'm gutted that he would treat me like this ie ignore me when I'm vulnerable and low.

He told me both to.bother meeting up with him this weekend in his city - he lives an hour away - as the plans I had to meet up with a friend there have fallen through and as he works nights there is no real point in me travelling there for less than a day. The thing is I've often gone down there and waited until he finished work etc.

OP posts:

DorisDay88 · 07/12/2017 03:45

He doesn't sound as though he makes you happy or that he wants to be in a relationship - seems he just wants to be with you as and when it suits him which leaves you hanging around and trying to please him.
You are worth far more than that
I'd not contact him any more and make a plan to do something nice for yourself this weekend instead, drink or cinema with a friend, Christmas Fair, loads of stuff on this time of the year
Life's too short to wait around for someone who doesn't sound as though he deserves you

Original poster

cocoface · 07/12/2017 03:54

Thanks for your reply. I think you are right. He can be so good to me but the aggression etc was getting me down. - I have spoken to him about it over and over. It's how dismissive he was of my feelings and how he was able to carry on with his evening without caring.

I have bent over backwards to accommodate his working pattern - generous to his kids - generous with him in every way and I feel so let down tbh. He is like 2 different people sometimes. I feelove so low x

OP posts:

dentalplanlisaneedsbraces · 07/12/2017 04:39

Please get rid of him. He's not a nice guy. Don't subject your children to this guy. You can do so much better op, so much better.

DorisDay88 · 07/12/2017 06:19

It's hard I know when you've invested so much time and emotion in someone but you will be so much better off without him, he sounds a horrible person.
Please stop all contact and build a life without him in it. I hope things seem clearer this morning and you are feeling more positive, you don't need this aggressive arrogant and unfeeling idiot in your life 💐

StewPots · 07/12/2017 06:27

Urrrgh. Classic controlling behaviour. Believe me, been there and got a t shirt. Starts with snappiness, escalates to violence yet to everyone else he's the greatest guy on Earth. Generous to others, always getting a round in or buying extortionate gifts - helps to hide what he knows to be vile behaviour.

My fuckwit ex was like this and I put up with it for 12 years! Now I'm happily married to a fantastic man and when I get up in the morning I don't have to walk on eggshells in case he wakes up in a bad mood/snaps/ignores/throws things/puts me down.

But it's taken me years to get over that arsehole's treatment of me, sometimes I wonder if I ever really have, say when my phone rings even now I'm frozen in fear in case it's him ringing to give me a load of abuse even though I haven't spoke to the twat in 3 years. For this reason I keep my phone on silent and never answer a number I don't recognise. Thankfully he moved away and DD stopped speaking to him as he started the same controlling behaviour with her.

Get out now OP for the sake of your own sanity and of course for your children.

StewPots · 07/12/2017 06:30

And you're not the fool. He is. All that awaits these awful twats is either a long lonely time in old age or a prison sentence.

I hope you find the strength to ditch this loser and enjoy a life free from sadness and anger as I do now (despite being left with anxiety!)

Original poster

cocoface · 07/12/2017 06:30

It's the cruelty of it - not to even read what I sent him. It makes a mockery of our time together. And a mockery of everything he said about loving me and our future together. I feel so let down and hurt that i/our relationship meant so little to him. That's hurting me do badly.

OP posts:

Original poster

cocoface · 07/12/2017 06:36

Do u know it never occurred to me it was a control thing. I just tried to be as understanding as I could abput how tired he was with work his kids college etc. I'm shocked that he could be aware of his partner being upset yet feel ok about going off to sleep without asking how I was never mind ignoring my messages. He will get some shock when he does read them.as I've been very direct in them

OP posts:

StewPots · 07/12/2017 06:38

OP this is what they do. Ignore and make you feel bad so you go back to them practically begging to make everything ok. Well that's my experience of it. Honestly I've left in the middle of work after a round of abuse because I didn't do this or that and he doesn't want me anymore - I ran out of work in the middle of a shift in hysterics to find him and just said I'm sorry over and over, I'll do anything if you would just talk to me etc etc. Luckily my boss was my friend and was understanding.

Sorry if that sounds extreme but there's a lot of red flags here. I don't know if this guy is as bad as my ex, probably not, but the fact you feel like this now....just please get out whilst you can x

NorksAreMessy · 07/12/2017 06:52

Why do you think this is acceptable, normal, kind, loving, or ANY basis for a long term relationship?
This is nasty behaviour and the ‘nice’ is just to keep you around easy for the next chance to be the scapegoat.

Please don’t go back for more.

Original poster

cocoface · 07/12/2017 06:54

I've been tryin to list out in my head why he would do this - and I can't. I wouldn't do it to him. Or anyone who was down. He told me to always come to him if something was wrong but how can u if someone is snappy all the time with u. When I would raise it he would say sorry say he was tired etc and he loved me but I would be edgy then all day and upset.

OP posts:

HappyintheHills · 07/12/2017 07:00

He would be edgy and upset to dissuade you from raising concerns again.

Original poster

cocoface · 07/12/2017 07:01

I suppose I made allowances as he can be so lovely and incredibly generous. So am.8 though and not nasty with it. When I get anxious around him he gets really edgy asking if he has upset me etc. Telling me he loves me. But the evidence is in front of me. He didn't read the message. My phone has been acting a bit oddly so I sent a test message to a friend and it was received and read. There is no excuse. I told him in the text that I knew where I stood and wouldn't be bothering him in the future. What should I expect now from him. Is there a pattern to this?

OP posts:

NorksAreMessy · 07/12/2017 07:23

Can you work out what YOU want? (Please let it be ‘no more people treating me like crap’) and deal with just you, forget about what he wants for the moment and concentrate on you.

Original poster

cocoface · 07/12/2017 07:28

Yes I can work out what I want itmy just asking so I can.be on my guard. Ie what's he likely to do next. The script.

OP posts:

cordeliavorkosigan · 07/12/2017 07:33

It shouldn’t be about where you stand with him, but where he stands with you! Ditch this guy. listen to his actions, not his words. This is not a good guy.

Original poster

cocoface · 07/12/2017 07:36

I agree hence me asking for the sCropton so I'm prepared

OP posts:

Original poster

cocoface · 07/12/2017 07:36

Script

OP posts:

itsalottery · 07/12/2017 08:13

I have just come out of one of these merry go round relationships. We'd patch it up and it would be great for a while then same. It was not good and I got more and more unhappy and desperate. Best to cut your losses before you get even more hurt however hard that is.

Original poster

cocoface · 07/12/2017 08:19

How did u protect urself against weakening. Someone tell me the script please

OP posts:

tobitcoinornottobitcoin · 07/12/2017 09:10

He sounds awful, but no matter how terrible you feel right now you will get over him. Maybe you'll meet someone who doesn't play games with your emotions.

LesisMiserable · 07/12/2017 12:56

Every time I see "I've spoken to him over and over" I think, the only one hurting you is YOU. This isn't working. You're flogging a dead horse. Own your feelings. You said you wouldnt be bothering him again so dont. Block him, learn, move on.

Original poster

cocoface · 07/12/2017 13:32

He has text me and I have ignored him. Basically saying he did read my messages - but was busy with work - that he thought I was down over a particular issue not related to him so how can he know if I don't tell him. And how am I feeling today - It's bollocks tbh.

OP posts:

Original poster

cocoface · 07/12/2017 13:47

Is this the behaviour of controlling men - minimise and try to offer concern then?

OP posts:

Flip

1 2