Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need your help - please

43 replies

WeddingArsehole · 06/12/2017 19:48

Hello,

I have posted about my horrible DP for over two years under different names. However, I've never found the courage to properly leave him.

Over the years he has ground me down to a shadow of my former self. I've this time left and I am determined to make a final break. However I am desperate to contact him now and beg him for another go. I don't know how I am going to cope.

Then I think about it rationally and know it's for the best. I've just got a horrible feeling of panic.

Can anyone help me?

OP posts:
BillywilliamV · 06/12/2017 19:54

Please dont do anything rash, youve done the hard bit. Is there anyone with you that you can talk to?

Original poster
WeddingArsehole · 06/12/2017 19:58

No, I have nobody to talk to in real life.

I'm trying to just stay calm.

OP posts:
BillywilliamV · 06/12/2017 20:00

Or you can talk on here, when did you leave? Do you have kids? Try and distract yourself. Change is always hard, even when its change for the better. Picture yourself in a years time, what would you like to be doing?

Original poster
WeddingArsehole · 06/12/2017 20:05

We had a massive bust up on Monday. I saw him today and he was very cold and dismissive of me.

We don't have any DC together but I just feel that my chances of having a family have now gone. I'm grieving for the future I now won't have but so desperately desperately wanted.

Thanks for responding. I know I am better off without him but it is hard.

OP posts:
BillywilliamV · 06/12/2017 20:11

That is so hard, Im so sorry, there are so many futures though, there is always hope, Did you leave because he didnt want dc, guess it was lots of other stuff too.

Rainbowshine · 06/12/2017 20:21

Over the years he has ground me down to a shadow of my former self

You know how when you come out of a dark place into light and it hurts your eyes whilst they adjust to the brightness?

That’s what you’re experiencing now. In a while you’ll be enjoying the light and warmth of your own life without his dark shadow over you.

Original poster
WeddingArsehole · 06/12/2017 20:22

No, I left because he was emotionally abusive and treated me quite badly. He has no respect for me or any other woman.

He has done some awful things during our time together.

OP posts:
BillywilliamV · 06/12/2017 20:25

You have absolutely done the right thing leaving him, no one has a right to treat you like that and make you so unhappy.

BillywilliamV · 06/12/2017 20:27

And it’s so brave of you to make that change, you do realise how brave you’ve been?

Original poster
WeddingArsehole · 06/12/2017 20:33

I don't feel brave but thank you. My anxiety is passing a little bit.

The rational part of me knows that I am better alone but the other part of me tells me I won't survive alone and that he is the best I can do.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 06/12/2017 20:38

You won’t survive alone? That’s his effect on your thinking. It’s not reality at all.

You are lonely/confused and anxious. That is ok and it is understandable

Please do not think you are not worthy of any other love. That’s simply not true.

Check out a website called hidden Hurt for personal DA stories that are inspiring

Flowers
RumTumTiger · 06/12/2017 20:47

I get the same feelings as you sometimes --- about wondering what it would be like to get back together with my XH.

I think it's a natural fear to not want to be alone.

But it's far better to be alone than be with someone who is mean to you.

BillywilliamV · 06/12/2017 20:48

I was alone for 8 years, gave up all hope of ever finding anyone but he turned up and he is pretty damn near perfect. And alone wasn’t so bad, so much better than being with Mr Completely Wrong.

Original poster
WeddingArsehole · 06/12/2017 20:57

I know that I will survive but I just panic. I was just fine without him.

Glad you've found someone lovely Billy

Thanks,for the website link - I will check it out.

OP posts:
BillywilliamV · 06/12/2017 21:01

Stay strong and be nice to yourself, you are absolutely doing the very best thing.

ChickenMom · 06/12/2017 21:03

How old are you OP? Just with you saying that you think your chances of having kids has gone, I’m assuming you are in your late 40’s? You could always foster?

foodie456 · 06/12/2017 21:04

Your so brave for leaving be strong and if you need to talk I'm here I know how it feels Smile

Original poster
WeddingArsehole · 06/12/2017 21:08

I'm 34. I know saying I've got no chance of having children is a little dramatic but I always wanted children before I was 35.

He was my whole life and now emptiness just seems to be stretched out before me.

Thanks for talking me down everyone.

I also work with him so have to see him everyday. 😭

OP posts:
BillywilliamV · 06/12/2017 21:14

I had my first baby at 39, second at 40 so plenty of time for that. Time to concentrate on yourself, is a new job an option?

Original poster
WeddingArsehole · 06/12/2017 21:16

I'm applying for another job at the moment. That has really calmed me.

I'm so grateful to everyone who has taken the time to respond - you've no idea how much I needed some support tonight.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Tinselistacky · 06/12/2017 21:17

After a shit marriage I met dh and had ds at 43. You can also find the life you want /deserve.
You are worth more than him and your future dc deserve a better df too!!

itsalottery · 06/12/2017 22:27

You sound lovely and you are deserving of someone who treats you well. Like others have said it is not too late to meet someone else and even if you don't you shouldn't stay with someone who makes you so unhappy because it probably won't happen with them anyway. Don't close your doors xx

itsalottery · 06/12/2017 22:28

And good luck with the job application. It will give you another focus

Apileofballyhoo · 06/12/2017 22:30

You still have lots of time to have a family, and they won't have an emotionally abusive arsehole for a father. Flowers

RichardRichieRichard · 06/12/2017 22:34

It will get easier as time passes. Stay strong. You deserve better.