I've neglected my husband and need to make things right

[CookieCrumble48]

Hi everyone,

I'm 40 years old, been married for many years. Been together since we were teenagers. Our child who is a teenager was born with a life-threatening illness. Since then (16 years ago) I've devoted my time to researching and fighting against this illness. When I wasn't doing that I was wallowing in depression. I've been on anti-depressants for 16 years.

My husband has been close to perfect all that time. I've been controlling, jealous and neglectful. I haven't been there for him when he needed me emotionally or physically for many years on and off. I haven't devoted any time to us as a couple thinking I am betraying my child by doing this. Everything came to a head 6 weeks ago when he said he was leaving me. My world fell apart. I felt like I wanted to end my life. I have never felt so alone. I took him for granted so much. He agreed to stay and try and work things out. I have been trying so hard to make him happy by doing all the things I should have been doing all this time. He says I'm taking it too far and it seems fake. I feel like I've had such a scare in him nearly leaving that I have fallen back in love with him. I want to kiss him when he comes home from work and hug him but he doesn't want to do the same because he says he's so used to me being shut off that to protect himself from hurt he stopped caring.

My child's illness has already taken so much from us as a family, I can't let it's affect on me take our marriage as well.

If anyone has been through a situation like this and can give me some advice I would really appreciate it. He won't do councilling says it's not for him.

Does he also put a spell on American scam merchants ?

Perhaps- rather than love bombing him now - you should try and rediscover each other. Try dating each other again, having some fun together, reconnecting in ways that remind you that underneath all the years are still two young people who loved each other.

I think you've probably panicked when you have realised he is going to leave, and as such are now going over board trying to get him to stay, which is why he says it feels fake, and is making him uncomfortable, a sort of desperate clinginess, which to be fair few people woild be comfortable with.

It is hard to get feelings back once they are lost, but if you are both willing to try, then I'd agree, carving time out for uou as a couple, dates etc, would be the way to go, to see if it can be resolved.

If it can't be, then yes, let him go, because the new current situation is no better than the last one, with him feeling smothered and uou feeling panicked.

Don't suffocate him.

Like Dadaist said, start making time for each other. Go for a walk together. Have lunch out, or a coffee. Let your relationship grow again naturally.

Counselling....give it a go.

I'm sorry OP but I totally get how you've been. And tbh he should have been doing the same with your child and making an effort to give you support and attention and giving some relief times for Just the two of you. It sounds like he's just let you run everything and now he feels sidelined.

No one just suddenly feels that way without something happening to cause that realisation. That could be something as simple as seeing other couples relationships and wanting something like that...or having someone pay you attention that you suddenly realise you've been missing out on.

As someone said it seems he's emotionally checked out already. And no doubt he feels guilty about it all so he can't just be harsh and quit. He can't do that to any of you so it's wrenching him.

I strongly suspect he's had attention from someone to make him feel there's more out there. Not necessarily an affair but an emotional link. Because no one checks out of a good relationship (you don't point to any violence, mannerisms, etc that make it a bad one) unless they've seen something else they want instead.