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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've neglected my husband and need to make things right

56 replies

CookieCrumble48 · 06/12/2017 16:00

Hi everyone,

I'm 40 years old, been married for many years. Been together since we were teenagers. Our child who is a teenager was born with a life-threatening illness. Since then (16 years ago) I've devoted my time to researching and fighting against this illness. When I wasn't doing that I was wallowing in depression. I've been on anti-depressants for 16 years.

My husband has been close to perfect all that time. I've been controlling, jealous and neglectful. I haven't been there for him when he needed me emotionally or physically for many years on and off. I haven't devoted any time to us as a couple thinking I am betraying my child by doing this. Everything came to a head 6 weeks ago when he said he was leaving me. My world fell apart. I felt like I wanted to end my life. I have never felt so alone. I took him for granted so much. He agreed to stay and try and work things out. I have been trying so hard to make him happy by doing all the things I should have been doing all this time. He says I'm taking it too far and it seems fake. I feel like I've had such a scare in him nearly leaving that I have fallen back in love with him. I want to kiss him when he comes home from work and hug him but he doesn't want to do the same because he says he's so used to me being shut off that to protect himself from hurt he stopped caring.

My child's illness has already taken so much from us as a family, I can't let it's affect on me take our marriage as well.

If anyone has been through a situation like this and can give me some advice I would really appreciate it. He won't do councilling says it's not for him.

OP posts:
Offred · 06/12/2017 19:16

But neither of you are at that stage. What you need to get to that stage, is space grime each other so that you can each think properly about what you want to do and whether you want to try to fix it or not.

Offred · 06/12/2017 19:16

*from

TalkinBoutWhat · 06/12/2017 19:58

Don't transfer the intensity of what you were doing for your DD to your DH to try to show him you love him. That will just be replacing one obsession with another.

Intercom · 06/12/2017 20:35

Relate can offer relationship counselling even if just one person in a couple attends. Could that we worth a go?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/12/2017 21:11

When the love is gone it is gone. Let him go.

SandyY2K · 06/12/2017 21:28

Much of this depends on if he's still in love with you ... not jud

SandyY2K · 06/12/2017 21:34

Much of this depends on if he's still in love with you ... not just He loves you.

Sometimes it's too little too late.

I'm not asking for a response...but it also depends on your sexual connection. If that isn't there... this will be more difficult.

And he may wonder why it took him saying he was leaving for you to change ... as in ...'did she really think it was okay to treat me that way'

This is a real example of being treated the way you let people treat you.
Has he really never raised this issue before?

He let you treat him that way. Some would call it abusive...definitely so if the roles were reversed.

Chocolatefudgecake100 · 06/12/2017 21:42

From your post i have to agree it sounds like its done for him and hes being kind to you,sending you strength op

serialcheat · 07/12/2017 13:00

Anyfucker has nailed it.

But you won't let him go, will you !? You'll keep projecting your ' insecurities and guilt onto him '

The truth, I think, is he can never be the true, fulfilled, happy person he could be or should be while he is in a ' marriage ' with you.

Never mind the rights and wrongs of the situation with your daughter, for years, it would seem you have beaten this man down, so much, he is in a place that he can longer stay in, emotionally or mentally.

I don't think he has another woman. I just think he wants to be free of carrying around the weight of YOUR neuroses, and his own.

You've had an epiphany, he hasn't and I don't think he will......

You seem mostly concerned with ' your happiness and your wants '

I think you should give him the freedom to make the choice to leave and stop laying a love / guilt trip in him.......

serialcheat · 07/12/2017 13:02

' in him - on him '

mamahanji · 07/12/2017 13:03

Serialcheat

The more you post, the more I'm convinced you are someone who gets a thrill off of being a wanker to people on the internet.

Do fuck off. More and more threads you are shitting on people that are already down and im yet to see you offer any actual compassionate advice, only put downs.

HarmlessChap · 07/12/2017 13:34

His hapiness is his responsibility, he has made a decision deal with that responsibility and I suspect that whatever you do he will seem fake and contrived now. 16 years is plenty of time to for him to form an opinion of what normal for you is.

He's ready to move on and find a better situation and you're trying to make the here and now that better situation.

I've been the one talking about leaving and DW has made great efforts. Together, since March, we've been working to bring our marriage back from the brink and it had been working but over the last month or two she seems to be slipping back into her old ways :(

If he does stay how long can you keep things going before resuming your previous behaviour?

Disquieted1 · 07/12/2017 13:49

This is not all that uncommon. There's an old saying: "You're a wife and a mother, and neither role is more important than the other."

He doesn't want to leave. He probably only said so because nothing else has made you sit up and take notice and would've left six weeks ago if he had given up on the relationship.

Don't overcompensate because you'll smother him. Just try to be the wife you wished to be when you got married.

ShatnersWig · 07/12/2017 13:56

I'm with AnyFucker and think this boat may have sailed.

I'd let him go.

AnyFucker · 07/12/2017 18:25

mamahanji I don't think serialcheats post is any more critical of op than some others on here. Why pick up on one peson ? Use your input to constructively help the op.

mamahanji · 07/12/2017 19:12

I did in my first post. Maybe it's because on many many other threads serialcheat has been needlessly abrasive and harsh and it's disheartening to see someone actively being so unpleasant.

Isetan · 07/12/2017 19:57

It’s difficult to fathom that despite knowing that you’ve been unfair to him all these years that his announcement has triggered such an epiphany. I’m questioning wether you really want to redress the relationship imbalance or that simply you don’t want to be on your own. I too would be cautious by your apparent 180.

Trying to hysterically bond with someone who isn’t sure, is excruciating painful for all concerned. I agree with the majority, let him go.

RippleEffects · 07/12/2017 20:21

I think you sound lost. It's sounds as though your existence is all about other people, your child has absorbed your focus for years, understandably, and now you're dedicating your energies intently on your DH.

What about you?

We need to like ourselves for others to like us. We need to have interests, experiences and variety.

My out of education marriage ended after 11 years with a disabled toddler and baby in the mix. I had become my marriage and child's needs. I was effectively a subperson with little value for myself, my needs or self worth.

Years on I'm remarried but ever conscious of maintaining value in my own existence.

Time is the only thing that will show you how this is going to play out. Maybe use some of that time to find some balance between the different areas of your life then which ever direction thi gs go the bottom wont fall out of your world.

theghostofchristmaspast · 07/12/2017 20:31

If you really can see you need to change then work on that regardless, not just to "keep" him. Maybe if it's meant to be then you can try again in the future but perhaps you need to address your own issues/respect his choice to go first. Maybe sadly you don't have a future together but therapy/help by yourself will be an investment in your future happiness regardless. It might help you think about your future without trying to make decisions in the terrible panic that it sounds like you are feeling.

Be kind to yourself. Don't burden yourself with all the blame. Life isn't always easy. A year ago I would have put the blame entirely on my ex. But I have learnt so much since about my own role in our dynamic. Please don't feel that making mistakes, regretting your behaviour makes you a bad person .

I'm really sorry you feel so bad. It must feel devastating right now. I promise you, despite it seeming impossible, somehow you survive.
Flowers

crazyhead · 07/12/2017 23:14

Personally i’d go to couples counselling because whether your relationship continues or ends, it might help you make peace with stuff. It sounds like your family has been through a lot, i’m sorry

serialcheat · 07/12/2017 23:30

@mamahanji

You're coming across as a self righteous and psychotic stalker !!!!!

Or maybe you are just naturally anal !?

Book a few sessions with your shrink.

ferando81 · 08/12/2017 01:00

He sounds like a good man but he is not perfect.He has overindulged you and built up a resentment instead of confronting your behaviour.

paulineoverton1978 · 21/10/2018 03:57

This reply has been deleted

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TomPinch · 21/10/2018 07:06

Does he remove zombies?

dudsville · 21/10/2018 07:22

I once went through a 2 year patch of neglecting my oh. Very different scenario to yours but child related. At the end of it I realised that I'd been not caring how he was. When he'd ask what we wanted to do with some time together I'd literally say I didn't care. It was terrible. Over time he became colder. I saw what happened before it was too late. I made a concerted effort to show him I'd changed rather than tell him. Over time that paid off.

Your oh sounds like he needs time to work through whether he can see the possibility of the relationship healing. I'd suggest you back off a bit when he gives signs that your change in behaviour is too much or not believable to him. He may have got to the point where all he can see is leaving. That's a big thing to step down from so he might need to continue down that road for a bit.