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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anxious attachment

38 replies

itsalottery · 06/12/2017 15:05

After a lot of soul searching and internet reading I have come to the conclusion that I am an anxious attachment person and the bf who has just broken my heart is of avoidance attachment. It shows that we were obviously totally incompatible and why the relationship has been so hard. Has anyone been like this and been able to change themselves or found better suited partners who don't make them feel this way. Also how can i stop my preteen daughter being like me in future relationships as I know it is a good way to to be.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 06/12/2017 15:25

I am a bit avoidant and I know people being clingy had led me to end relationships before.... it sounds like you could benefit from some therapy to readjust your boundaries and attachment style.

The first step is recognising it so that will help you to notice this sort of behaviour in future and avoid it

CanalTrip · 06/12/2017 15:44

I agree, that is the worst combination, and suspect that overall the insecure anxious person would suffer more than the insecure avoidant person, as it would just be a bit stifling for the latter, but a series of perceived rejections for the former. You would be better with a secure person, but even another insecure anxious person would be better than avoidant type.

Justbreathing · 06/12/2017 17:41

apparently it's quite common for the opposites to end up together. Perhaps work on why you are anxious attachment and realise your triggers? I think the avoidance types are the WORST to end up with in my personal experience, but then I am anxious so it completely triggers my insecurities when someone pulls away.

what you really want to end up with is some one who is stable, and then they might be able to understand why you get anxious instead of pushing you away and then guess what! you become less anxious. Easier said than done though!

Original poster
itsalottery · 06/12/2017 21:45

Thank you for your replies. I do think it's very hard to not get anxious when being lied to and ignored for days. I try to play it cool but that just makes me more angry and upset. I guess I have broken the cycle now by ending it but need to try and learn from it for the future.

OP posts:
hattyhighlighter · 06/12/2017 21:54

There's a good book called 'Attached' by Rachel Heller (amazon) in case you've not read that.

Worriedrose · 06/12/2017 22:07

I'm there with you OP
It's fucking shit, I'm a grown woman and I still obsess over a text message not being replied to. But at least you recognise that.
Problem is, if you end up with a cunt it makes it 100% worse because they're doing what you fear! Shock

Original poster
itsalottery · 06/12/2017 22:11

Thanks worriedrose, I totally agree. At least I am aware of my shortcomings which is a start. Can't make someone not be an arse though, what I need to work on is not accepting it. Trying hard at that now!

OP posts:
Worriedrose · 06/12/2017 23:13

Me too! Must learn to tell them to fuck off when I don't feel happy. But then I worry I am over thinking their behaviour. I guess we have to do what makes us comfortable.
I'm nearly bloody 40 and this is only just starting to sink in!

Original poster
itsalottery · 06/12/2017 23:18

I'm way older than you so at least you've got a headstart x

OP posts:
coldlocation · 07/12/2017 19:42

I have just read this and Googled.... The anxious /avoidant thing describes my current relationship perfectly. I am the avoidant one, DP the anxious. So much now makes sense...my desire for space whilst DP wants to get closer and I stalk off in the opposite direction. Our conflicts and our reactions to rows make some kinda sense. I don't know what that realisation means for the relationship but I understand so much more and would just like to thank the op.

(I also realise exH was as avoidant as me, we just lived separate lives amicably for 20 odd years and never ever discussed our relationship.)

Oakleygirl · 07/12/2017 20:01

OP, this makes sense to me also. I have just googled and recognise for the first time that I am an anxious attachment type too, and realise I have been like this all my life!

Northernpowerhouse · 07/12/2017 20:10

Does anyone know, is it possible to have different attachment styles with different people. I am sure that I am anxious and avoidant depending on the partner.

anxiousnow · 07/12/2017 20:36

Where has this info been since my exH. I am the same as you OP... but i never used to be which hopefully gived you some hope that you can change it. I am sorry you bf has broken your heart. Have you actually split up? I think re your daughter, don't ever let her witness your anxious text watching etc. Always explain positive relationship traits. I worry about this too with my children. I don't want my sons to treat women how i have bedn treated or my daughter to accept this treatment and vice versa of course.

Worriedrose · 07/12/2017 20:37

@coldlocation
Can I ask you why you separated if you don't mind
If you were both avoidant.
Northern, I don't think so, it's entirely dependant on your childhood. But I think some people can bring aspects out more. What you might find as an avoidant is you can't handle some others being more avoidant than you, then you start being anxious if that makes sense!
My ex was avoidant, everytime I walked away he would go into overdrive clingy. I would get close again, and all of a sudden I was feeling anxious, because of feeling discarded by him.

Most avoidents do want love! They do want to be abandoned or rejected, because that's probably what happened when they were children. So, someone gets close and they fear rejection so retreat. And it's just vice versa for anxious.

Basically if you had a nice happy loving upbringing you would simply be secure!!!

Worriedrose · 07/12/2017 20:39

Northern I meant "one" instead of you. Gah should read back my posts before posting

Worriedrose · 07/12/2017 20:41

Jesus!! They DONT want to be discarded or rejected.
FML i can't even write a post and I have only had 1 glass of wine

Northernpowerhouse · 07/12/2017 21:04

Rose yes, I think that is it. Food for thought. Thank you.

coldlocation · 07/12/2017 21:25

.... Ummm.... We were just living separate lives and resentment had grown and grown and there were some other monumentally selfish actions from him that just bust my respect and affection for him.... Eventually. I did want love but he never really showed it, I got used to the situation then it just became the norm, we were great friends we took great trips, we have 3 amazing kids. We remain good friends and Co parent v amicably.

Current DP so different and I was blown away by the flattery and affection at the start... Now I just miss being left alone in peace. Wth exH we'd happily go to the pub together and read the paper rather than talk to each other, if I had some errand to run he'd let me do it and do his own thing... DP expects full eye contact and meaningful conversation (altho is shy and not v talkative), likes time 'just for us', wants intertwined limbs on the sofa and will accompany me on errands (eg I had an appointmen(not medical, didn't need a second adult) and had an hour long wait from arriving - we were in a lovely place brimming with indie shops, coffe bars etc, if the roles has been reversed I'd have gone for a coffee and a, wander and told DP to text me when done....DP waited with me and during the appointment, I felt rude wanting to read the paper/my phone in peace while I waited. At the end of the day DP said "we had a nice afternoon together didn't we?". My thought was that I had wasted DP's afternoon and was irritated at the delay with my appointment, DP was just happy to have spent time with me).

But I feel like a heel for not appreciating DP.

Worriedrose · 07/12/2017 21:27

Northern you might actually be more avoident. But I don't know you obviously

Northernpowerhouse · 07/12/2017 21:38

Rose, yes I am avoidant but was confused as I occasionlly become anxious ... and yes it is when interacting with someone more avoidant than me.
That does give me some insight into how anxious attachers feel ..... and particularly how they feel when I am being avoidant!

Shoxfordian · 07/12/2017 21:40

Wow coldlocation; I would find that so annoying and clingy. Definitely couldn't deal with that much clinginess. I'm on the avoidant side though.

Worriedrose · 07/12/2017 21:41

@coldlocation
That's really interesting, I say that from someone who is more like him. I would love someone to come and wait with me and gang out with me, and I've never thought of it from your perspective.
I always think I someone else would love for me to always be supportive and there for them, like your DH.
But maybe you're just early days. Everyone gets bored of entwined legs!
Maybe you're just both trying to find your feet.
I do wonder if two avoident people are better together.

Worriedrose · 07/12/2017 21:42

Hang out. I even thought I corrected that!

coldlocation · 07/12/2017 21:50

@worriedrose thanks. Wish DP did see this from my perspective.... For DP if I declined the offer of the waiting with me it would be seen as rejection... Even though I've said "I'll be fine, it'll be dead boring..why don't you go have a coffee and I'll text when I'm done"... It's rejecting the kind offer of support....sigh.

Original poster
itsalottery · 07/12/2017 22:10

Cold location have you tried explaining to him but also reassuring him at the same time. I think from my anxiety aspect I am quite happy to do my own thing and give space if it is coupled with genuine reassurance so that I know it is not personal.

Anxiousnow I'm sorry to hear your exh has made you this way. How long have you been apart? I hope you are on the way to building yourself back up now. Yes, I have broken up with bf, I couldn't cope with it anymore and knew it was just getting worse and worse. He was just pulling further and further away and that was making me more needy which was irritating him. I couldn't keep at it and the unhappiness was affecting my daughter too so I had to break it off but it has broken my heart as I didn't want to. I think if I didn't have my dd to consider I would have kept on and on. I seem to find it hard to walk away even if I know it's not working. If I do get the strength to try again I will endeavour to not ignore all the red flags next time. Easier said than done!

OP posts:
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