Anxious attachment

[itsalottery]

After a lot of soul searching and internet reading I have come to the conclusion that I am an anxious attachment person and the bf who has just broken my heart is of avoidance attachment. It shows that we were obviously totally incompatible and why the relationship has been so hard. Has anyone been like this and been able to change themselves or found better suited partners who don't make them feel this way. Also how can i stop my preteen daughter being like me in future relationships as I know it is a good way to to be.

[Worriedrose]

I think if someone was really honest with me as an anxious person and truly reassured me that it wasn't because they didn't want to be with me, but were just happy to do something on their own. I might feel much better about it.
My initial instinct would be to think they did not want me around.

Example today. I text now dp. He's getting on a flight, I am chit chatty and cheerful, I get one word answers. I think he's annoyed with me, he's just texting and walking and dealing with customs.

Now... if he had said. Love, I am texting and walking! I'll text when I'm settled I would have been ok. I would have felt secure, not knowing is the main problem. Then you fear the worst, i.e. Being over anxious.
And to be honest who wants some needy person saying "are you annoyed with me" when all you're doing in trying to get through customs.
So swings and roundabouts. Neither of us are wrong.

[Worriedrose]

@itsalottery
You say it much more succinctly !!

[Worriedrose]

And you're right as well, I constantly feel like I'm annoying people with my anxiousness.
I wish I could just chill the fuck out.

[itsalottery]

Actually worriedrose I think you put it better! I totally agree, if I'm told they are busy and it is genuine then that would be fine. But I can tell when it's more than that and that's not true! That is what makes me anxious. Do other people not get that sense of knowing or do they just ignore it?!!!!

[coldlocation]

Yes it's understanding the differences are differences not "wrong". I have spoken to DP and we cruise close to splitting at times.

DP recently shelved a planned night out with friends to see me instead (I was meant to be out at a work thing. It got cancelled last min)... I would have loved it if dp had gone out wth friends instead... Could have seen me after.... But the whole plan got ditched. I should be flattered and happy but sometimes I feel like I'm dating an enthusiastic labrador rather than an actual grown up and I'm sufficiently crap and avoidant to regard neediness as weak. And do the typical thing of being all proud of my (appearance of?) self reliance... Rubbish of me.....

[itsalottery]

How long have you been together coldlocation? Do you really think he's being needy or just likes your company? I'm trying to understand the differences and not criticise you!

[Gwenhwyfar]

itsa - wanting to go to a routine appointment or run errands with someone sounds pretty needy to me.

[Worriedrose]

I'm with op cold. As an anxious I wouldn't cancel a night out with my friends. I would feel fine with going out without my dp. I don't need to be around them all the time. I just dont want to feel dropped or rejected. He just sounds very needy and I think that's different. I also would never text someone whilst they're out with their friends or busy. It's quite hard to explain the feelings. It's like when you need someone to reassure you, they are not there and then you start to panic.
In no way do I constantly text or want to be with them 24/7

And op I totally get what you're saying. I sense it too. So I guess we are too sensitive, or highly tuned to it.
As I said before, I think I care a lot if I let someone down, or if I don't support someone and I struggle to understand why someone else wouldn't care as much as me.
Gah it's a fucking nightmare

[Gwenhwyfar]

"Does anyone know, is it possible to have different attachment styles with different people. I am sure that I am anxious and avoidant depending on the partner."

Yes, google fearful avoidant.

[Cupoteap]

Thx op another whose getting some useful insight from reading about this

[msbrightside]

This is really helpful - is avoidant/anxious the same as co-dependency? I've been more avoidant in my current relationship than ever before, but then DP is so needy / clingy and constantly needing validation - it makes me retreat and feel overwhelmed with his needs

[CaledonianQueen]

Well according to the website I just visited, you can change. I definitely have, at first, I was stuck repeating my anxious Mothers behaviours! My Father had previously been unfaithful, leaving my Mother without any trust. She believes and I agree that he cheated on her throughout their marriage.

When I met my dh, I was incredibly jealous, with no justification. I had grown up thinking that men cheated on their partners. Yes some do, but I didn't realise this, in my head he was already a cheater.

Thankfully as we bonded and I realised just how different he was to my Father, we have developed a secure bond. Love, trust, reassurance and patience on my DH's side contributed to that. We have been through a lot together and stood strong hand in hand.

The website I mentioned has this quote

The good news is, it’s never too late to develop a secure attachment. The attachment style you developed as a child based on your relationship with a parent or early caretaker doesn’t have to define your ways of relating to those you love in your adult life. If you come to know your attachment style, you can uncover ways you are defending yourself from getting close and being emotionally connected and work toward forming an “earned secure attachment.”

www.psychalive.org/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship/

[Worriedrose]

Really interesting Caledonian thank you
It is all quite fascinating when you start looking into it.