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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner on pof?

34 replies

ChocolateCupcake123 · 05/12/2017 22:12

Really struggling here!

Been with my partner for about 8 months, everything is really good. We spend every evening together, except when he’s working late.

A friend just called me to say she’s seen him “online” on plenty of fish regularly over the past few months. She didn’t want to say anything because she thought it might just be the app running in the background on his phone. (I know he was previously online dating).

She’s just noticed that his profile picture has changed, though apparently it’s one of the photos already on his profile, just a new “front photo” or whatever it’s called.

Any explanation other than playing away? I really don’t want to believe he’d do this Sad

OP posts:
JollyGiraffe · 05/12/2017 22:14

There isn't any other explanation I don't think Sad

doowapwap · 05/12/2017 22:17

Sounds like he is still using it.

Can your friend send you screen shots so you have the proof?

Then confront him when you do

NeedHelp1002 · 05/12/2017 22:20

Only one plausible explanation... I've met guys who just can't seem to kick in there POF obsession even when a decent woman is staring them in the face

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 05/12/2017 22:22

Did you have the chat about being exclusive and coming off all dating apps/sites? If not would you do that now? You could encourage him to log on and delete his photos then his profile while you're with him.

The other option is to set up a new account with no pic and go and look for yourself.

Annelind · 05/12/2017 22:29

The other option is to set up a new account with no pic and go and look for yourself.

Or use an old pic of yourself (different hairstyle, or something else that makes you look slightly different or even photoshopping a pic) and message him to see if he responds.

Ok I'm a devious cow!

eastlondoner · 05/12/2017 22:34

No there's no other explanation. What a shit.Angry

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 05/12/2017 22:40

Annelind I once suspected a guy I was dating of still cruising the dating site. The only effort I went to was to think up a different user name and input the bare minimum to create a profile. No profile text, no photo... I then found him (he was so complacent he had the same user name!) and winked at him. He actually me ssaged the fake me (with no info) on the back of that wink. I immediately dumped him by text and he had no wriggle room.

HCantThinkOfAUsername · 05/12/2017 22:43

Oh how awful, must be a shock :( get evidence and confront.

Annelind · 05/12/2017 22:46

Been I like your style. What an arrogant twat. (Him not you!)

userxx · 05/12/2017 22:46

Hmmm doesn't sound good. Why are you spending every night with him? What about your friends? You need to get the proof then dump him.

ProfessorPickles · 05/12/2017 22:50

No explanation sorry OP Sad
8 months in is a long time too for there to be any "I didn't think we were exclusive"

LondonLassInTheCountry · 05/12/2017 22:52

Make up an account. Fake photos. And message him. See if he responds. See if he says his single

Hellywelly10 · 05/12/2017 22:58

Working late?

Shen0102 · 05/12/2017 23:01

Online dating can be addictive..he probably just likes the attention he gets from the girls.

But as someone said, you can get to the bottom of it by messaging him on the app under an alias and see how he responds.

debbs77 · 05/12/2017 23:37

No excuses. Even if he hadn't come off of it completely you can still hide your own profile

LondonLassInTheCountry · 06/12/2017 00:24

Iv clicked on mine a couple of times and so has partner. Mostly to "try" and look at what our first messages to each other said.

They are both still on therr but not used

Sn0tnose · 06/12/2017 00:50

I think, as heartbreaking as it is, you have to accept the fact that he's either trying to meet someone else, either for a new relationship or a casual bunk up, or he's one of those idiots who gets off on messaging other women, even if he has no intention of meeting them. Dating sites don't randomly change profile pics for people.

You have two options. Dump him immediately or (the option I took and still regret because I totally lost my dignity and made myself look like a crazy stalker) set up a fake profile and message him to see if he bites. However tempting it is, I really don't recommend the second option. Not only is it really hurtful to hear a man you have strong feelings for deny he has a girlfriend (despite him being the one to put a label on it) but the emphasis will always be on the fact that you catfished him, rather than him being a cheat and a liar.

Walk away with your head held high and move onwards and upwards.

esk1mo · 06/12/2017 01:02

definitely make a fake account and message him. he will be honest to a woman on PoF about what he wants/why he is there

he wont be honest to you if you ask

Original poster
ChocolateCupcake123 · 06/12/2017 09:07

Thanks all.

Definitely working late when he says he is, can’t say how or it’ll be too identifying. But he 100% is.

So I confronted him and he said that he still had the app on his phone and so it’s just running in the background. I googled and apparently it can show you as online, even if you don’t open the app, so perhaps? (Or maybe wishful thinking).

The change of picture...he said he once couldn’t log into his account and the password reset wasn’t working so he created a new account. So he says he didn’t change the picture, it’s two different accounts.

I honestly don’t know what to do Sad it all sounds far fetched, but if he is telling the truth then I’m throwing away the best relationship of my life over nothing

OP posts:
chatty1234 · 06/12/2017 09:11

I think OLD can be addictive and some people even though happy with the person get a kick out of the attention. Not saying that it's right though. In regards to him setting up a new account this is where alarm bells would be ringing for me why would he need to do that??

BitOutOfPractice · 06/12/2017 09:13

Why did he need to set up a new account?

AdalindSchade · 06/12/2017 09:13

It doesn't show yyou as online unless you're online. He's spinning you a load of bullshit.

mindutopia · 06/12/2017 09:13

Why not just ask him to delete it? Or de-activate it?

ShatnersWig · 06/12/2017 09:14

Sad that the best relationship of your life is one that sees you accepting this total bullshit.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 06/12/2017 09:17

So I confronted him and he said that he still had the app on his phone and so it’s just running in the background. I googled and apparently it can show you as online, even if you don’t open the app, so perhaps? (Or maybe wishful thinking).

There's so much wrong with this. For a start, why does he still have the app? Secondly; a quick glance at the technical info for the PoF account shows that it will run in the background for a few hours after it's last been used - and that seems to be backed up on other forums. There doesn't appear to be any suggestion that it runs in the background eight months after you last logged in.

This will be your call; but I'd be concerned that he has two accounts; and both appear to still be active. I'd be expecting some pretty decent reassurances and for him to take my concerns seriously and actually do something before I even considered staying around.

For your own sake; I'd also second the suggestion of cooling it a bit and not spending every night together. Nurture your social life away from him a bit incase you need it.