Inlaws from Hell

[RunAwaySoul]

I am so angry, upset, sad and disheartened that I can’t even explain the situation, probably.
My in-laws are extremely manipulative & my husband keeps falling for their tricks constantly, deliberately or not,I can’t tell. He agrees with me that his parents are manipulative & very interfering but somehow still ends up entertaining them.
We have been trying to stay in minimal contact with them to avoid the drama but they are extremely pushy & keep turning up at our house repeatedly. I blame this behaviour of theirs on my husbands incapacity to say no & give them welcoming signals.
This Saturday they turned up unannounced and when I asked them politely to call before they come, they became aggressive & started name calling me but I stuck to my guns & argues back until they left.
I am really upset with my husband because he has never taken a stance & says he is trying now , but it’s too little too late for me.
I don’t know what to do?

So why are they not welcome?

Read the Toxic in laws book and get him to read it. The book outlines the impact toxic in laws have on relationships and was very good in getting DH to understand how his relationship with his Mum negatively impacted in our relationship.

Your DH needs to call them and say 'please can you call before coming over. We often have plans to do things or be out and we don't want you to have a wasted journey'.

That should at least stop the unexpected visits but you can't change their behaviour.

Why on earth is your DH allowing his parents to shout at you and call you names in your own home?

Talk to him. Do you have dc? Ask him how he would feel if someone was treating his own child like that. Ask him how he would feel if it was your parents coming over and shouting abuse at him.

Do you have any respect at all for your DH?
Because that is the issue here.
Your DH.
Unfortunately, a lifetime of this for him means he has no idea how to 'handle' things.
Google FOG (fear obligation guilt)
That is where he is.
But he needs to set boundaries and support you.
Has he ever had any counselling after what must have been, a pretty appalling upbringing?
Have a look at books on Amazon; search toxic parents, toxic inlaws, etc...
Get reading.
But well done for sticking to your guns.
Do NOT let them in if they just drop by anymore.
Time to start setting boundaries.
If you really can't deal with it and your DH doesn't improve, then I suggest getting the hell away from all of them.
I assume you don't have kids yet.
This will get SOOOOOO much worse when kids are involved!

Chaos..I will get the book. Thank for your time & advice
Cats.... He did it for the first time last week but like I said he has entertained them so much, that they don’t actually believe it’s coming from him. They think it’s me making him say this. Partially, it’s true because I was away during summer & my husband couldn’t come. So over that period his parents keeps coming & he was behaving normal with them. So they don’t see their behaviour as a problem but see me as a problem instead.

Your DH has had a lifetime of this toxic dysfunctional relationship, and it will be very very hard for him to change his stance even if you knows, in his rational mind, that they are manipulative and toxic people.

Well done for drawing a line in the sand with them. It's your home too and you have every right to insist that any visitor gives you prior warning before turning up. And every right not to admit someone you don't want into your home.

The hard part now is going to be sticking to your guns on this one, but you must. You have asked them to call before they turn up, so insist on this every single time. If they do turn up unannounced again, tell them it isn't a good time (don't justify what - just state it as a fact) and it would be better if they called beforehand in future to save them a wasted journey.

I wouldn't expect too much support from your husband at this stage - he may want to back you up but he's had a lifetime of being ground down by them and it will take time.

Hold firm!

Hells bell.... unfortunately I have lived with this as I have a DS. Our marriage has been at a breaking point for quiet sometime & I booked us for a marriage counselling. My husband cancelled it arguing that “ He thought we were doing fine”. I have had to hear nonsense from the in-laws over many thing, ranging from my choice of schooling to the lessons my DS will attend.
It’s either their way or the highway

Ratherberiding.... 9 years of this has taken a great deal of toll on me & our relationship. I am literally in tears & want to get out of this.
Thank you all for your time & handholding.

Wow - 9 years and no support for that long.
No wonder it's taken it's toll.
Would you be able to manage without DH?
Financially etc...??

Unfortunately no,I haven’t worked in a long time. OH has been supportive superficially, eg. He agrees with my opinion about the
in-laws but has never taken a step to address the issues. He has know for quiet sometime that they are fair weather family, but still hasn’t told his family how he feels by word or action.
When I confronted him this morning about his behaviour & why he still wants his parents to have a part in our day to day life? His reply was that he believes that he is trying to fix all this.
But what he willingly ignores is the fact that he is trying to play happy family drama at the cost of my emotional well being.

I really feel for you. I had the same situation. My ex’s loyalty was to them, not me. I tolerated it for 7 years. Been free of it 2 years and I’ve honestly never looked back. They were VILE!! The key to maintaining your emotional health is your DH. It’s only him who can resolve this although it doesn’t seem he’s going to. No advice really. I left but that choice isn’t for everyone. Good luck with whatever you decide to do

Upsetting situation.... Thank you for your kind words. I am glad you are free, from the burden of enduring vile relationships. I have lost interest in this relation completely. Hope I can find a suitable solution.

Give him an ultimatum of either shaping up and telling the IL's to back the fuck off, call before coming over and stop being aggressive to you, or ship out. You'll soon find out whether he values your marriage over his parents or not.

I had the same crap from my mum to DH. I stepped in and told her in no uncertain terms that now I'm a parent, my loyalty was to our DC and DH. She was absolutely livid that I dare go against her and not put her first, but I stepped back and realised that it was quite amusing watching mum unravel. Especially when I told the truth about her being emotionally and mentally abusive (name calling etc). She decided to stop speaking to me now, but hey ho, I've now got the peace I've needed for a long time.

If they're being aggressive, it may be because when someone stands up to them, they may feel they have to be that way to get what they want. This is not just about your DH standing up to them...........this is also about your IL's not respecting your boundaries.

BTW, did you know that if they act in a threatening manner, making it clear to witnesses that they're very likely to attack, and you fear for your safety, you can engage in a pre-emptive? Here

How close do they live? Why don’t you insist on a big move. Move 4/5 hours away. Find somewhere you both like and somewhere that makes it impossible for them to just keep dropping in

So what have they done in the past to make you both want to go NC?

I don't understand what they've done wrong? OK, I understand you don'tlike them just turning up - I hate it when people call unexpectedly, but that wouldn't enough for me to reduce contact. What else have they done to make you feel like this? What is the 'nonsense' you refer to? My mum and MIL are always keen to offer their opinions. Sometimes, they have a point, mostly, I ignore them. We've had issues, big ones, with both dm and MIL, over the years, but unless there's something much bigger going on, what you've described sounds annoying at best.

Banana did you miss all of this???

My in-laws are extremely manipulative
his parents are manipulative & very interfering
to avoid the drama
they are extremely pushy
they became aggressive & started name calling
I have had to hear nonsense from the in-laws over many thing
It’s either their way or the highway
he is trying to play happy family drama at the cost of my emotional well being.

Hellsbellsmelon....Thank you for pointing that out. Over the years of me using mums net, I have learnt to ignore people who don’t read the post & ask stupid questions.

Unfortunately your DH's inertia when it comes to his toxic parents simply hurts him as well as you. Your son is being affected by all this as well.

I agree with the previous comments made to the effect that he has been conditioned by his parents to accept this as "normal" behaviours from them. He may well never be able to assert himself or otherwise stand up for himself and his own family unit here. He therefore cannot and will not perhaps ever deal with his parents behaviours because its too painful for him to contemplate (he still wants his parents approval) and is in denial of how bad things actually are.

I doubt that marriage counselling would help because he primarily needs to see a therapist solely and over some considerable time to unravel all the damage his parents have done to him.

You can only help you (and in turn your son) ultimately by not having anything to do with his parents at all now. I would also lay it out clearly to him that your marriage is at stake and he could lose you over this because of his own inertia dressed up as he trying. You are losing respect for him as a husband and as a father to his child.

Your ILs are not respecting your boundaries and you have put up with too much over the years at your own expense. Time to draw a definitive line in the sand now. I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.

Attilathemeerkat: I totally agree with you & understand it as described by you. But the trouble has always been that my husband seems to agree with me but when it comes to doing or implementing the strategy,

1. He thinks and proceeds to use a different strategy. Not sure knowingly or unknowingly.

1. He is in denial about how he feels & will defend his idea/ understanding to death.

1. He has this urge to do things his way, even though no matter how much I tell him I am not happy about it

Eg. Things were getting bad because of his parents last Christmas. I wanted a third party to tell him that all what was going, was unacceptable. I booked a marriage counsellor & he goes and cancels the appointment. His reasoning is that - he thought all was well since we were not fighting .
I don’t know whether he pretends or genuinely doesn’t understand.

No, I didn't miss that. What I did miss though, we're the actual examples of the manipulative behaviour and the nonsense.

It sounds like your DH cannot or will not deal with his parents and what he has himself tried to date (and from what you write is it not a lot) has not worked. Perhaps it is the case that on some level he wishes that you all could get along so that he does not have to deal with this at all.

I also think that he is mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt with regards to them and that works against him and in turn you and your son also. He has also had a lifetime of their conditioning and that will take a lot of time, years even, to undo. He has to want to do the work to undo that though.

Re the marriage counselling I would actually consider seeing a therapist on your own re his parents.

Banana sandwich.

1. Sending my DS to violin lessons,meant I am preparing him to be a drug addict & they kicked up a major fuss 2. I shouldn’t drive my husband’s car & should get a cheap car. Women are not meant to drive expensive cars 3. - They can’t and don’t want to call before just dropping by because,we are always pretending to be busy 4. - I am too “ posh “ because I expect my child to brush his teeth on days off. 5. Dropping in to tell my husband about his mum being really unwell , only to be told a day later by a friend, that she bumped into her at RHS flower show on the same weekend she was supposedly too ill to even talk 6. Interfering with our choice of schooling for our DS. 7. Problem with us over hosting people over and serving alcohol at our house. And I can go on and on but for my sanity won’t

I think you should have another crack at getting DH to therapy. Perhaps ask him what he thinks a good relationship looks like. If he says absence of fighting, then say something like, so you think that because we're not fighting, that we're happy? Or do you think we have a good relationship? So what would you say if I told you I am not happy, how would that make you feel and what would you do to change that? I am not happy in this relationship as it is now, but I want us to succeed, and I am prepared to work at it. Are you also prepared to work at it? How do you think we should work at it? I think we should go to counselling and give it a try. How do you feel about that? Can you tell me why you dont want to go?

That type of thing.

I'd also love to hear the link between violin playing and drug use! That would be funny if it wasnt so tragic.