Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

One final event with ex, THIS is one reason I am happy to be divorcing him.

54 replies

ravenmum · 04/12/2017 11:26

Split up with ex 2014, he is happily off with OW, I'm living in house with big kids until next year,

Next weekend is ds's 18th birthday party (birthday on Weds, party Sat). The last event I'll be hosting for ex's extended family (mine all live abroad). I thought we had it all sorted out. Agreed on the phone that he'd take his family out for tea Sat. afternoon, then I'd have them for evening meal. Nine of them coming down for the weekend, plus us four.

Came out yesterday that he's forgotten all this and expected me to have his family round for tea too. So I'd have them from 4 to 11 p.m., bake/buy cakes for them, then make dinner for 13 in the kitchen while they all sat in the living room for 7 hours.

When I say he was supposed to be doing tea elsewhere he gets angry because, he says, he can't afford to take out all his family for tea. (His flat is tiny, too small.) He's adamant that we agreed things the way he remembers, though the kids see it like me too. Once again I regret not having agreed on something in writing so I can prove it later. He acts as if I'm being the difficult one here and cannot see/admit that he might be hard work. Does not see that him complaining about paying for his family's tea makes him a CF of the highest order considering how I am putting myself out and also paying for his family (dinner on Sat and half of another expensive event on Sun).

Now agreed on a compromise that he buys cake himself, but his family will still be here all bloody afternoon and evening, 13 people in one not especially large living room. His dad is an insufferable bighead and will laugh at "us" for being so poorly organised. Like he did our entire marriage.

Any suggestions for what I can say to my FIL when he starts chuckling patronisingly about how "we" didn't organise this well?

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 04/12/2017 12:24

I'd be inclined to say FIL if he complains about we being disorganised that he need not worry about it as A) that this is the last time he will be invited to your house as now children are adults. And B) that there is no WE as once again his son is incapable of following through on his agreements and he lucky he has a cup of tea as you were not expecting them until later as His son had agreed to buy them dinner so any more of his complaints about you can be directed at his son. And he should be grateful to you for providing anything for his and his family.

And turn to the whole room and ask who is going to help you with the extra work their being there is causing.

RavingRoo · 04/12/2017 12:25

Why don’t you and your boyfriend host them?

Cupcakey · 04/12/2017 12:32

I would be tempted to snap oooooo I’m so sodding glad I’m divorcing your useless cheating tw+t of a son and you lot aswell ha ha.
There’s the door if you don’t like what’s organised fu£k of through it!
Butttttttt I suppose you have to be dignified in order for the birthday event to not get spoilt. Maybe put cat shit in his cuppa 😂 sorry I’m not much use am I! Don’t take any shit you’ve no need too!!!! xx

NurseButtercup · 04/12/2017 12:36

I suggest that you greet them with cake/tea/coffee and then send them to the local pub with strict instructions not to return before xx because you're cooking.

donners312 · 04/12/2017 12:37

Does your son really want this 'party'?

If i was you i would cancel, take DS to the pub with a few of HIS friends and let ExH and his family do whatever the hell they like to celebrate with your son, or not?

BoredOnMatLeave · 04/12/2017 12:41

*Does your son really want this 'party'?

If i was you i would cancel, take DS to the pub with a few of HIS friends and let ExH and his family do whatever the hell they like to celebrate with your son, or not?*

Agree with this. I doubt an 18 year old really wants to spend the day with annoying relatives they just want a drink.

Bluebell9 · 04/12/2017 12:41

After having so many 'miscommunications' with his ExW, DP now arranges everything by text or if it is done in person, backs it up with a text. He was only saying this weekend what a pain it is having to text it but at least it means he can go back and see in writing what was agreed when his ExW swears blind that arrangements made are different.

DP has an awful memory so he always thought he had it wrong but my memory is really good, plus I write arrangements on the calendar. Now we've realised his ExW changes arrangements that have been previously agreed, its not that DP forgets. ExW isnt very organised and I think forgets what has been agreed so makes up new arrangements without checking with DP.

I know its not you that changes plans, but it could help you stand up for yourself if you have it in black and white.

Original poster
ravenmum · 04/12/2017 12:42

We're in Germany, they expect cake in the afternoon, then a full hot meal in the evening (when entertaining).

I've told ex that I will be going out in the afternoon and just come for evening meal. Can get some Xmas shopping done and maybe FIL will have got it out of his system by the time I arrive!

Alas, boyfriend is visiting his parents that day or I'd be tempted to ask him along Grin.

Thank you for injecting some common sense into this.

OP posts:
Original poster
ravenmum · 04/12/2017 12:43

Oh, and I made a point of setting out the whole thing again on Whatsapp so he can't forget again.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 04/12/2017 12:44

"I've thought it over and I cant afford to host them for any more time than the 6-9 evening meal we originally agreed."

Original poster
ravenmum · 04/12/2017 12:45

I do like some of his family - 93-year-old Great Grandma and ex's aunt are great, will be nice to chat to them.

OP posts:
Dozer · 04/12/2017 12:47

Good plan: I would email the ex’s family, confirming your invitation to yours for the evening dinner and suggesting an arrival time.

BrizzleDrizzle · 04/12/2017 12:47

My ex and his family do not cross this doorstep - I wouldn't have any of them in the house. I'd be telling him and his family to fuck off to the far side.

StrangeLookingParasite · 04/12/2017 12:48

And turn to the whole room and ask who is going to help you with the extra work their being there is causing.

Well that would add a delightfully festive note to her son's birthday, don't you think?

Sorry you have to put up with this crap, raven. My ex-husband was the same. It's like being in a lawcourt, arguing with these arseholes.

chocatoo · 04/12/2017 12:56

Smile sweetly and grit teeth. If a caustic comment is made just say brightly 'well it's the last one, so not to worry...!'

SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/12/2017 12:58

What a weasel of a man.

"Weasel" was the very word going through my mind when I read this Barefoof. Great minds . . .

OuaisMaisBon · 04/12/2017 12:58

You're catering for 13 people, 9 of whom don't "belong" to you any more, and you're organized enough to be going out shopping in the afternoon beforehand ? Wow, I'm really impressed! I'd be going up the wall fuming whilst cooking up a storm, you have a lot of forbearance! (Also thought shops closed in Germany at 1.00pm on a Saturday afternoon, am glad things have changed since I was last there!)

Hissy · 04/12/2017 12:59

I think that's a good plan, allow him to use your home as a venue, but leave the 'tea'/cake etc up to him entirely.

then if FIL even tries anything when you are in for the dinner bit, say 'oh well as you know Ex's place is too pokey to host anyone, and he's too tight to take you out, so I've bailed him out one last time. You're welcome'

QueenThisTime · 04/12/2017 13:00

I like fizzygreenwater's response.

OP I so know exactly what you mean. My ex is my ex and one of the great things about it is not having to host his family and colleagues and do every fucking thing for everyone while he sits on his arse mouthing off.

Except... even since separating he's managed to haul me into doing some things - because he asks in front of the kids in a way that will make me look like a mean bitch if I don't - or he makes out he has a last minute panic and I have to help - then I realise it's happened again. We are supposedly friends and amicable and do things together with the kids sometimes, which it how it happens.

But I am getting better at saying no. Can't say what I recently put my foot down about as its very outing, but involves xmas day. He's just such a CF but it's all about him being oh so charming and accommodating to other people, and me getting to do the work and foot the bill. No.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/12/2017 13:02

I would stick to your original plan. He can meet them/take them to the pub from nine o'clock. You are not a doormat, don't allow him to walk on you again. He can buy your DS a celebratory drink ! Let him get out of that one, it's what Fathers usually do.
His family nice/not nice, are no longer your responsibility.🌸

tribpot · 04/12/2017 13:04

So who's cooking dinner in the evening? You realise he will have completely trashed the kitchen getting cake ready so you've got that to deal with before cooking? Or is he cooking dinner now?

Original poster
ravenmum · 04/12/2017 13:19

I'm going to make industrial sized portions of goulash/pasta, soup and fish pie in the morning that can be heated up again beforehand and actually taste better for sitting around a while. Then leg it before they arrive and spend the afternoon swigging mulled wine on the Xmas market shopping.

I am getting better at saying my mind to FIL ranting about his son so he's been slightly more careful with me lately. Turns out he can filter his comments if he makes the effort. Maybe this will be a good opportunity to remind him of that. Nothing too harsh, just a sarcastic "Oh no, are you going to take away one of my Michelin stars?"

OP posts:
Original poster
ravenmum · 04/12/2017 13:20

I will write some of these comments in biro on the back of my arm though.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/12/2017 13:20

So he will host and organise kaffee and küchen. Great. Make sure he knows to clear up, wash up and tidy away to clear the decks for the evening. Otherwise there won’t be an evening meal and he can convoy them to the local McDonald’s. Make sure you put that all in writing.

octonaught · 04/12/2017 13:26

Gosh you are a saint. I wouldn't have my ex in my house He would steal things. I am not joking