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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I read a text I shouldn’t have...what do I do now?

28 replies

Singaporeslings · 04/12/2017 00:22

So ok yes turns out old wives had a point - eavesdroppers apparently do only hear bad of themselves.
I saw a text on DH phone where he said horrible things about my weight to a mate of his. (Yes I’ve put on around 8kg lately - because work/Home has been really busy & stressful & I just haven’t looked after myself).
I felt so sad & upset that he would say that out loud to someone. Something that I feel really down & vulnerable about right now.
He’s never said it to my face & is great at saying he loves me, he fancies me & reassuring me when I’m down about it, saying that it doesn’t matter.
To add to this - I then scrolled back up the texts he had with this mate & saw lewd chat about women he’d seen in bars. Again - he’s not like this at all. I’ve only ever seen him being respectful to women and he despises this type of behaviour in others.
We’ve always (I thought) been really open & honest with each other. We know our phone lock codes & often use whoever’s phone is closest for google/calling parents/taking to walk the dog/etc. I just feel so angry at him, I can barely speak to him and can’t seem to let it go. And he doesn’t know what I’m upset about and keeps asking what’s wrong.
So what should I do?

OP posts:
NickyNora · 04/12/2017 00:25

But he is 'like this'.

You now know how he really thinks & feels.

I think you should tell him you know.

QuiteLikely5 · 04/12/2017 00:27

Be honest with him. And see how he responds

MyKingdomForBrie · 04/12/2017 00:28

Yep, ‘he’s not like this’ - yes he is. He has a different side for you and his mates, and now you know that.

The person he has been to your face may not be the real him. I tend to think it’s not the real him and the fuckboy ‘bantz’ with his mate is the real him - I say that because he had no reason (eg peer pressure) to slag you off and insult you over text, he just did it. Therefore it’s what he really thinks. That’s how I’d feel anyway.

Sorry OP, what a tosser. I would take pics of the messages then confront.

crunched · 04/12/2017 01:00

I can imagine the awful wrenching feelings you have in your gut at the moment.
Of course you must be upfront in confronting DH and do take pictures of the texts. He will try to minimise the cruel words and may make you feel you are being the unreasonable one, so you need to have the evidence to refer back to, to reassure yourself you are the abused party here.
We can all do twattish things, we can all say things for effect that we don't really mean.... I'm not minimising this though, he has behaved in a disrespectful and nasty way. You do not deserve this. Flowers

anxiousnow · 04/12/2017 01:32

Sling sorry you have discovered this about your DH. It must have been awful reading it. You need to talk to him to firstly find out if this is how he feels and secondly whether he feels it or not why he thinks it is ok to speak like you and other women in that way.

TammySwansonTwo · 04/12/2017 08:26

This would be a deal breaker for me. How dare he talk about you like that? I'm sure he isn't a perfect physical specimen himself. If I ever found out my husband was slagging off my body to other people (it has changed a lot in the last couple of years - twin pregnancy and the aftermath, I'm still a stone up on my pre-pregnancy weight and nothing points in the right direction any more!) he'd be out on his arse. That's disgusting, and the lewd comments are just the cherry on top of his twattishness.

Tell him you've seen it and to fuck off - honestly, what could he ever say to make this right?

hellsbellsmelons · 04/12/2017 09:42

Wow that must feel truly awful.
I would suggest you tell him what you've seen.
How it makes you feel and then see what his response his.
Not sure it would be a deal breaker but it would take a lot for me to come back from something like this.

Greedynan · 04/12/2017 11:40

Ouch. That's really really hurtful. I'm sorry you saw those messages. But in a way it's also quite eye-opening for you. Confront him like others say. But, beyond that, what next? I'll bet this has put you off him big time, hey? He sounds like a major bellend. You didn't think he was like that, but he really is.

Original poster
Singaporeslings · 04/12/2017 13:57

Thanks guys - it’s helpful to read your advice. Will speak to him this evening

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 04/12/2017 19:22

First of all. Very dramatic responses here. We all are different to different people, to our friends, family, partner. If you've put on weight, you've put on weight, its a fact. He hasnt been horrible to you, he's discussed it with his mate. Millions of people discuss the changes in their partner with their mates every day. That's what privacy is for. He loves you and wouldnt say anything to hurt you. Yes you're going to feel different, but that's on you for reading his private conversation with his friend. As for the lewd comments, I and all my friends have said things about men we've seen out because, well , we have eyes. We love our partners and we don't cheat. If making a comment between ourselves makes us horrendous faithless sex beasts then so be it, I guess. Your DP loves you. If you don't like your weight, change it.

Orangesandlemons1 · 04/12/2017 19:33

Lewis what a weird perspective.
I wouldn’t slag off anyone’s weight to anyone else over text or in person. Just because it’s fact it’s not ok to talk about someone to your friend over text. It might well be fact she has put on weight, but if it’s fact enough that op has put on weight and it bothers him he should at least have the respect to talk about it with her not ever a text to his friend. But to be honest even when I see threads saying a partner has pulled the op directly to their face about their weight, if it’s for vanity/attractiveness and not out of concern for their health I still think what a self righteous dick. We all gain weight as we get older, health reasons etc and women do the childbearing which makes it even harder for us imho. But at least in these circumstances where the ops partner has spoke to them about their weight, they have been direct to their partner rather than humiliate her by talking behind their back.

Op so sorry you had to read this must be awful and shocking. I think you will have to confront him and see what he says. I couldn’t leave this. See what his response is I hope he is mortified.

Cambionome · 04/12/2017 19:33

What an unhelpful and hurtful post Les. Hmm

Orangesandlemons1 · 04/12/2017 19:33

Lesis NOT Lewis

Undercoverbanana · 04/12/2017 19:36

Is he just being "blokey with the lads", do you think?"

This doesn't excuse the disrespectful remarks about you. You need to discuss that. That is unacceptable and must stop.

Pinkpillows · 04/12/2017 20:06

Regardless of banter or whatever your his wife first and foremost who he should have up most respect for

There's no excuse for this, my fear is even if you confront him he will stop putting his nasty vile words in print but will do this in person ten fold.

I'd tell him exactly what a idiot he has been and you will not tollerate it.

SandyY2K · 04/12/2017 20:09

It's really not okay to discuss your partners weight in this manner with a friend. If feel terribly insecure and honestly...because it's a sensitive issue I'm likely to find it a dealbreaker.

Simply because I'd now feel unsafe around him and unable to trust him.

FriggyPudding · 04/12/2017 20:13

Sorry you saw that OP.
Sounds very upsetting.

Can't quite believe the "it's a deal-breaker" lot though. Really? I'm with Lesis, to some extent. We all have different selves. IMHO there is no "true self".

Talk to him about it. It sounds like he loves you and wants you to be happy.
I love my DH to bits, but wouldn't want him to hear all the conversations I have with my mates. . .

NCforthis12345 · 04/12/2017 20:15

Just start by telling him that you've read it so he knows, and that you're not sure how to feel at the moment.

In what context was your weight discussed? I think if my DP had put on weight and it affected me I would probably mention it to my best friend, but we talk about almost everything.

Same with what was he saying about the other women? I would probably say to a friend who I found attractive but only to her face if she was with me at the time. Seems pathetic text it.

Worldsworstcook · 04/12/2017 20:24

Lesismiserable

I quite agree with you. My DH says the loveliest things to me to make me feel nice. I've put on 5 stone since we married! At the mo my hair hasn't been dyed since August etc etc. I could go on! He makes me feel lovely but that's not to say he doesn't privately think grey hair ages me and I'm like a blimp,

When he's nasty to your face I'd complain but as far as how he's treating you you've no complaints. The fact that he's noticed you're subdued and cares enough to ask, I'm sure many women on this forum wish their husbands would care enough to ask.

You could say you accidentally saw a message and ask is this how he really sees you but I wouldn't go in all guns blazing or the row that will erupt could be very damaging and any trust between you will completely completely disappear.

Isetan · 04/12/2017 20:24

Lewd comments aside, as hurtful as his comments were, the truth about how he feels about your weight gain is out and maybe it's time to talk about the elephant in the room.

No one likes having their bubble punctured but use this moment as a catalyst, by having a more honest conversation with him, your idealised view was carefully constructed for you but it wasn't real.

SandyY2K · 04/12/2017 20:27

Should be

I'd feel terribly insecure and honestly

Different things are dealbreakers for different people. I could no longer trust him .... no trust = no marriage/relationship... or a crap relationship.

If my DH talks behind my back..who's looking out for me. Nah.. in my heart he's lost a special place with that.

leftwiththedognow · 04/12/2017 20:29

I think part of this is puerile lad behaviour, part of this is he really feels this way. But... he clearly cares about your feelings as he hasn't said anything to you about this.
You had no inkling he felt this way so its hit you like a ton of bricks. Talk to him.

Dustbunny1900 · 04/12/2017 20:35

Those sorts of things cannot be taken back. I could no longer feel comfortable or safe being seen naked by him. I'd be massively insecure, hurt, insulted, and sex would cease indefinitely. So yeah, a deal breaker.
If he has an issue with your weight he should (gently) talk about it with YOU! Not insult and laugh at you to his friends. Ugh.
The leaked comments would also hurt like crazy.
He's showing you that he IS like that, at least a side of him.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/12/2017 20:55

Sorry OP but I also agree with Lesismiserable and think that some of the posters on this thread are being incredibly disingenuous given how crude some of the comments are about various celebs and what they'd do with them. And how is it different to talk on a public chatboard as opposed to talking to your mate by phone?

It boils down to the fact that you read a text from your husband to his friend. How was that accidental?

I'm sorry that you read what you did because it can't be unread but your husband isn't the one 'in the wrong' here. He never intended for you to see it. He's not showing you a different side, he has facets - all of us do - and we don't expose them if we can help it. He didn't want to expose this one to you.

The only thing you can do is have a conversation with him and tell him that you've seen the text and how hurt you are. I expect he'd be mortified and very sad to have upset you. Talk to him.

DownTownAbbey · 04/12/2017 21:25

Not sure I'd ever view 'D'H in the same way after I'd seen that side of him.