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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Where is the justice?! ExH & OW

44 replies

sunshiney78 · 03/12/2017 21:51

My STBXH moved out in July and the subsequent months have been hell, but I can feel myself turning a corner over the past month.
He FaceTimed my DD today from a sunny villa abroad where he’s holidaying with OW and showed her how they have their own private pool etc. This is their second romantic getaway since he left.

Yet last month he said he didn’t have money to pay for DDs swimming lessons. (Lawyers working on financial order) I’ve had to go full time at work whilst juggling childcare and being a mother and father to DD (he sees her once a fortnight). Not to mention picking up pieces of both our lives and fighting through the devastation of the breakup (had to go on antidepressants after he left as the pain was bone shattering) Whilst he hasn’t had a single sad day and is living the dream.

I am doing so much better than I was, DD & I have our own little routine and I’m finally coping on all fronts. But I’m really struggling with the injustice of it all. Somebody please help me get my head around it.

OP posts:
TroubleinDaFamily · 03/12/2017 21:54

Is it possible she is funding it ?

If not and it is on a credit card, it will come back to haunt him eventually.

KingLooieCatz · 03/12/2017 21:56

Hugs. I don't have great words of wisdom. I'm sure someone else will.

Original poster
sunshiney78 · 03/12/2017 22:04

Hopefully lawyers and CSA will sort out financials. I just don’t get how he gets to destroy our lives and swan off being happy whilst it’s been a monumental effort for me to make it through the day these past months (because of his actions) It’s so unfair! I guess I should just focus on making a happy life for DD & I, and not think about his multiple honeymoons!

OP posts:
springydaffs · 03/12/2017 22:47

Aw darling Flowers

This shit catches up with people (imo and ime). Might look all rosy now but it won't last. When justice finally comes through you won't care any more.

Well done for getting through the last months and being a bloody amazing mum. Unsung hero Star Flowers

KingLooieCatz · 04/12/2017 06:30

If it is him funding the dream holidays, the novelty might wear off for her when the lawyers catch up with him.

VivaLeBeaver · 04/12/2017 06:35

The justice will come as your dd goes up so close to you. When she’s older and she realises what an amazing mum you are and what a twat her dad is. Seeing her once a fortnight and not paying for swimming lessons! Kids tend to grow up and realise what was going on and not be overly impressed.

Imbroglio · 04/12/2017 06:48

It's shit for you daughter and for you.

This 'honeymoon' phase will probably pass fairly soon. They are both keen to convince themselves that they are living the dream.

Hopefully you'll get the finances sorted soon.

Runningissimple · 04/12/2017 06:49

Just keep moving forward. The justice is that you're well rid of a selfish prick and the quality of the relationship you will have with your daughter.

Focus on what makes you happy. Discipline yourself not to think about him. Every time I thought about my ex, I used to say my kids' names over and over again until my brain stopped! It worked!

You're doing brilliantly, just keep moving forward.

Flowers
TheNaze73 · 04/12/2017 07:32

It sounds like she’s funding it. Just don’t rise to the bait & let the legals work their magic

babybels · 04/12/2017 09:05

I can totally understand your situation as similar has happened to me.
As others have said your relationship with your child is the one that will be most important to her as she grows up. It's still hard to accept and I do still feel some resentment towards my ex for his 'new life' that seems to involve a lot of shopping/ holidays/ meals out and not a lot of responsibility. But you reap what you sow as my mum keeps saying to me! Good luck.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/12/2017 09:54

So he is basically choosing a holiday over his relationship with his daughter

Not the actions of a decent man

If you read this board for long enough you'll see that the kids usually work it out in time and choose to stop seeing their dads. That's where the justice comes into it.

PoorYorick · 04/12/2017 10:14

Bide your time. Your daughter is young but she isn't stupid.

debbs77 · 04/12/2017 10:17

Too many are like this.

My ex only recently started paying CSA of £10 a week per child. Only based on his part time wages and not including the thousands he earns in self employment.

This week his wife rang him and he answered the phone on speaker.

His wife wants new sofas (to replace perfectly lovely new ones).....at a cost of £1400 PER SOFA . All in front of the kids!

Finola1step · 04/12/2017 10:21

I would bet a fair wad of cash that the OW is funding these holidays. She will know that she has found herself with the booby prize - a man who will cheat on his wife and fail to provide for his dd. But she probably can't see it yet. So she's "living the dream".

He sees your dad once a fortnight. Prick.

whiskyowl · 04/12/2017 10:23

I'm so sorry. It's absolutely shit of him to spend on himself and not on your DD.

Please just try to focus on what an amazing job you're doing of being a fabulous mum to your DD. You deserve huge props for getting through this and for putting her first - you're a good person, in the most profound sense of the word "good".

SexandDrugsandaNiceCuppa · 04/12/2017 10:25

He's a shit, and your daughter may not realise it now, but she will when she grows up. My god daughter went through a stage of absolutely idolising her feckless, useless turd of a father when she was younger - now she's an adult she sees him for exactly what he is, and he's lost his relationship with her forever. Your daughter will know that you were the one who stood by her and did everything. Flowers

ravenmum · 04/12/2017 10:27

I'm not a big believer in the idea that they get their come-uppance, tbh. People go round stamping on others all the time and come out better off for it. And though we all naturally have our moments of wanting them to have a piano dropped on their head, dreams of revenge always come with a very bitter, horrible taste that don't make you feel any better about yourself really.

Like someone else said, they are doing this to prove to themselves and the world that their super duper love justifies their shitty behaviour. If they were now just living in a normal relationship, continuing normal life, but just with a different person, that would make a mockery of the whole effort they have gone to, shattering lives just to swap partners. They have to be living the dream now or, in the clear light of day, the whole thing would be revealed as the dirty, nasty, seedy affair it really was.

Keep on with your nice routine. I bet you have a good laugh with your dd, and have your little insider jokes and family traditions that you can both look back on fondly when she's big. Those are the things that matter.

rcit · 04/12/2017 10:32

Agree it's a question of waiting this out. He is a cheating shitbag, the OW knows this. They've papered over the cracks.

Angrybird123 · 04/12/2017 10:36

Exactly what Ravenmum said. Hang in there x

Original poster
sunshiney78 · 04/12/2017 11:34

Thank you all. I really needed to hear this. Yes DD is only 6, but we do have a much closer relationship now (weirdly despite me working full time), good laughs and insider jokes.

OP posts:
ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 04/12/2017 11:46

I also agree with ravenmum. My Dad did similar, he and OW are still very much in love decades later, with their own family, and are also filthy rich. I don't think my mum feels there's much justice there, unfortunately.

All I will say is that I'm fairly certain that my Dad struggles with his conscience. Not obvious day to day, but he's a decent enough man for his actions not to sit right with him, and proof of that breaks through intermittently. That's not a nice thing to live with.

donners312 · 04/12/2017 12:22

I have exactly the same and i don't are if OW funding it it still stinks and is so unfair.

But like pp say she really has got the booby prize, either a cocklodging moocher or a guy who does have money but won't provide for his children not exactly anyones dream man!

You just have to focus on making your life as good and as fun as possible and it will be again. not focus on them.

Robin2323 · 04/12/2017 12:52

You are doing fantastic .
I was exactly in your position 25 years ago - daughter bit younger
Looked great from the outside
When they split up 5 years ago I was genuinely sad for them - my life had gone on from strength to strength - and you will too.
Ps my daughter wants nothing to do with him x

SisyphusDad · 04/12/2017 13:03

Make sure you take screenprints of their lovely time. I'm sure they'll come in handy when he pleads poverty in the financial discussions.

Lefty1 · 04/12/2017 14:26

I think what you have to be grateful for and what he wont now be longer to have is that you will actively see you daughter growing up into a wonderful adult , you will be there for her through all the ups and downs, everyday. He only sees her once a fortnight , which when his older I'm sure he will regret very much.

You will get through this, fuck them and they're villa Grin

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