Where is the justice?! ExH & OW

[sunshiney78]

My STBXH moved out in July and the subsequent months have been hell, but I can feel myself turning a corner over the past month.
He FaceTimed my DD today from a sunny villa abroad where he’s holidaying with OW and showed her how they have their own private pool etc. This is their second romantic getaway since he left.

Yet last month he said he didn’t have money to pay for DDs swimming lessons. (Lawyers working on financial order) I’ve had to go full time at work whilst juggling childcare and being a mother and father to DD (he sees her once a fortnight). Not to mention picking up pieces of both our lives and fighting through the devastation of the breakup (had to go on antidepressants after he left as the pain was bone shattering) Whilst he hasn’t had a single sad day and is living the dream.

I am doing so much better than I was, DD & I have our own little routine and I’m finally coping on all fronts. But I’m really struggling with the injustice of it all. Somebody please help me get my head around it.

*their

@sunshiney78 Sorry, but did I write this post?!! I too struggle and believe their new life is marred by the devastation they caused. I don't think they miss their kids like we think they do so to the ones saying that the kids eventually see their fathers for who they really are and not want to see their dads anymore, I don't think the dads really care tbh. They're too busy having a stress free time having fun. I could be wrong....

I agree, Bibbidee. I know my STBX is delighted with his freedom & lack of responsibility and thoroughly enjoying living as if he’s 21 (OW doesn’t have children) He lacks the paternal gene, so wouldn’t really miss DD that much or care if she didn’t want to have anything to do with him (I don’t think). In his opinion he’s got the better deal.

@sunshiney78 My STBXH eats utter crap (I cook decent food) and he's apparently put on loads of weight, so too the younger OW, with no kids... I suppose there's my justice? He's unhealthy? I don't know! I suppose we have to go on and lead good lives and focus on ourselves and that is our justice?

Tbh If my kids work out their dad is an arse and not want to see him, this won't make me happy, it'll make me sad that our family deteriorated further.

I know it's total crap and that it all hurts like hell. But you will come through this for yourself and your little girl.

It's very early days yet, and you are doing so very well. The hurt will ease with time, as you move into your new life. So stay strong, and look ahead.

As for STBEX and OW they are in the honeymoon stage now, reality hasn't hit them yet.

I do think he was deliberately showing your DD the pool etc so you would hear about it and be hurt. What a vindictive arse hole he must be.

I feel for you, I really do. My dad treated my mum like this. Left her with 4 children, emptied savings accounts to take his OW and her dc on amazing holidays. Didn't really bother with us. Fast forward a good few decades, me and my siblings have very little time for our father. We have a brilliant bond with our mum though. My dad is riddled with guild and regret.

Your moment will come. But sometimes in life it comes when you've stopped caring.

How could he show your DD that pool? Insensitive jerk!!

I don't think there is any justice. My ex Was happy to take on OW son but has abandoned our own. Yet he is still happy with her 5 years on . It breaks my heart for my son

I've come along to sympathise too. There is no justice I don't think. It's been over 4 years since my exH walked out on me and DS for OW. After the first few years of hardship, my life is pretty good actually and I've got THE BEST relationship with DS.

But here's what I don't understand. DS (7) tells me that his dad is one of the best people in the world, tells me frequently how he wishes we were all still living together and how great his dad is. Except his dad is AWFUL! Barely see's him, didn't see him for 18 months at all, didn't pay maintenance for that time either, doesn't provide for him, doesn't make good decisions for him, spent the entire time he did live with us either shouting at him or ignoring him, doesn't pay attention to his school stuff and barely ever turns up to anything, stinks all the time of either cigarettes or wet dog or generally BO (poor DS came back stinking from a 2 hour visit last week).
Why on earth does he think his dad is so great?! I literally don't understand.

Your moment will come. But sometimes in life it comes when you've stopped caring

I agree with this. It took 18 years in my case but arrived eventually

@sunshiney78
I found this helpful:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2016/07/03/why-how-could-you-do-this-to-me-is-the-wrong-question-to-ask/amp/

Lisa Arends has written a blog, book and Facebook page about her experience. 💐

Good blog.

I'm 51 now but I have never forgotten what my Dad put us through as kids by rising off into the sunset with his secretary and pleading poverty despite enjoying meals out and holidays. I can remember damp cold housing because we couldn't afford anything better. A Dad who promised me visits and birthday presents and neither turned up.

My Mum eventually met my stepdad who is far more of a Dad than my own father ever was. Upshot is that I have no contact with him now....I went NC in my 20s and never looked back. His loss. My sister and brother have all gone NC too.

Trust me when I say that children remember who was there for them.

But my Mum is still bitter about those days...I don't think you ever get over seeing your children let down. However she doesn't think about it all that often ...we keep her off the subject.

He lives a nice life with his secretary.....but both had affairs before they finally got married....cheated on each other with impunity it seems. Somewhere I have a half brother who I've met on a few occasions, he's a nice lad and the only sadness I feel is that I do t have more of a relationship with him.

Tbh If my kids work out their dad is an arse and not want to see him, this won't make me happy, it'll make me sad that our family deteriorated further.
That would make me sad too, though just for my kids, not for the end of our family - I see that as gone already. But if their dad IS an arse, in some cases NC might be healthier for the kids. You can't change the situation.

Remember the Mastercard advert?

Getting rid of a gobshite = Priceless.

You will manage, I've been there. It's a struggle but it really does get better. You can hold your head up and say you've done everything for DD.

@houseworkisasin10

😂 The MasterCard reference , brilliant

😂 @ HouseworkIsASin10

I could have written your post OP. My ex only pays the minimum for 1 DC and nothing for the younger. I recently asked him to pay for our dd’s hobby on the weekends he has her, and he told me he couldn’t afford it. The next weekend I found out he was on a long weekend with his new gf in Spain

It stoped pissing me off after a while, I simply put it down the another reason we are divorced and that at least I’m not living with him or married to him anymore.